Its a long, winding and bumpy road

I really cant concentrate today im far too hyper for work and Iv only just got back after 9 days off sick.

Iv had a bit of a breakdown truth be told I split with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago, this was all my doing I had been shutting down on him for ages so one of my many me’s came out to play “Tallulah” my friends and I have named my personas my best friend also has CPTSD and a bit of dark humor gets us through the day sometimes.

Tallulah wrecked havoc as she usually does drinking and bendering but when Tallulah goes up she must come down and this time she came down HARD suicidal hard. It got to wednesday and id already had 3 days off work and was still full of shame and self loathing I was panicking to the point of panic attacks. I called my mum ( something I never do with this type of stuff) told her I was loosing it again, then I phoned the NHS psycotherapy place where I had the EMDR they were really good with me and have now put me up to step 4 EMDR and im back on the waiting list and the docs have prescribed anti depressants which for the first time ever I am actually taking and havnt just put them in the bin

I should be happy iv cought Tallulah early, I am now recognising the signs im out of control and I have took appropriate measures to get me stable again but I still feel shamefull and disgusting and awkward. Awkward like im 13 again, yesterday was my first day back to work and I felt like my chest was going to burst and the horrible whirling sensation was there, I litterally felt like I was a young teenager desperate to fit it but I was scruffy and my clothes were scruffy and everyone was looking at me with utter disgust. Im 33 I shouldn’t still feel like this.

I still feel like I could vomit when I think about sex too the physical sensation and images are too much to bear sometimes and I have put weight on im over eating and I think somewhere inside me im doing it so noonw fancies me and Ill be left alone im pushin a size 14 at the min when im usually a 10 or a 12. My poor suffering boyfriend has been round to see my everyday since my little episode and its hurting it seein him so sad he was crying as I keep shuttin down and shutting him out and all he really does is love me unconditionally and I cant stand it some times its too much makes my skin crawl like I need to run away.

So 5 years in to this healing lark and still seems a long way to go ups and downs and roundabouts all the bloody time. Its a long and windy bumpy road it does my head in

A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

The Next Steps

Firstly I would like to apologise for not blogging for 2 months, my laptop broke and Im blogging this through my phone which is a lot more fiddily than a laptop.

I have been discharged from having EMDR my therapist was happy with my progress as am I, I dont think its the end of it but it is the end for now. We cleared a lot up with my sessions I started to feel better and am managing triggers better but my brain shut down and seemed to stop working over the last 2 sessions. Maybe its all my brain can handle for the time being or maybe I can continue the healing myself I am not too sure yet. 

I am still shutting down and my sex drive is very very low but i am managing it bettee, im in the middle to the end of a shut down week I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel today but then it went dark again. I am just sitting it out. I cant even work out whats set me off again or maybe its the fact the therapy has ended. I am just keeping the faith it will pass soon and Iv had worst ones so Im clinging to that.

So am I better? maybe there is no cure just managing skills? hmmmm lots of questions still isnt there ūüė¶ 

EMDR Session 6 -” Its definitely CPTSD”

*** THIS MAY TRIGGER****

WOW. What a wank day.

I had my EMDR session today, I haven’t had one for 2 weeks and today has just left me feeling exhausted pissed off and like there will be no return from this.

The past two weeks all thinks to do with sex has completely repulsed me. I haven’t even been able to sit next to my partner on the settee properly without feeling like my skin is crawling, well I say partner after this weekend just gone he is not my partner for the time being and has been shipped back to his mothers but that is another post all together.

” Lets start with the earliest memory again, the one with your step granddad in your nans front room” says my therapist ( who is lovely by the way) So I stare at the blank wall while she starts the bilateral stimulation in between my thumbs.Feeling of disgust and shame flow in and out and the deep burning hole of despair in my heart burns and burns and the hot tears flow out of my eyes. Same old Same old then. Then as per usual my dad comes into the equation.

” who do you need to make you safe?” she says I say my dad. Not wired up right am I really, to still ache and yearn for my dad to love me like a proper dad. I hang my head in shame and I feel guilty for feeling this way, the burning hole of despair in my heart just expanded ten fold. I am still drawing blanks ¬†nothing really shifting or moving just the feeling of being tense and on a ride desperately forcing whatever emotion I am choosing not to let out back in, my force to be able to do this is like a Trojan I must say. I must of been a hard nut of a little girl to have kept all this hidden and stuffed down for all these years.

“lets try something else, when you feel repulsed and like your suffocating when your partner mentions sex to you, whats the earliest memory of that?” I explain ¬†about how when I was 12 I was walking to my dads house on boxing day early hours ¬†after drinking and smoking weed at his dick head girlfriend house party, I asked a man if he had seen my Dad. ( I was taken into every pub my home town by the time I was 9, I thought the whole world and his dog knew my dad. I idolised my Dad even though he was a complete cunt to me to the majority of the time, I was a Girl for Daddy, I cant say Daddy’s Girl as thats not strictly true is it) The man said yes I know your Dad and I know where he is and he took me by the hand and took me to a secluded grassy area pushed me down and shoved his fat old disgusting cock in my mouth and made me heave and blew his fucking disgusting evil load all in my little mouth. I didn’t think to scream, I didn’t think to shout. He dragged me up and wiped my face with his hand whilst breathing on me I had my eyes screwed shot then he ran off fastening his disgusting belt.

So what did 12 year old me do?

She scuttled off back to her Dads dickhead girlfriends house let herself in and got on the settee and curled up and went to slept. She was too scared of her Dad finding out and thinking her the slut that he called her anyway. This must be what big girls get up to and I so want my Dad to love me for being a big girl and being cool to him and his friends.

The image was coming and going. I said to my Therapist its coming and going I dont feel anything, I have no emotion all I was bothered about was my Dad finding out. She said there is no right or wrong way to feel.

How can all these incidents of early abuse not really bother me at all, well ok they do they must do but the lack of love from my Father and how he treated me seems to be the “theme” as she calls it.

I am unlovable

I am disgusting

I am shamed

I am trapped.

At the end I say so is it PTSD or CPTSD ( I don’t know why this matters to me but it does)

” Oh is definitely CPTSD she says, most of my clients are” She smiles this deep brown eyed sad smile as if to say ” well, what the fuck are we going to do with you my love?”

I genuinely have no idea

 

 

 

Looking Back With Love

My feelings for my partner are coming back! Oh my goodness it is such a relief. Over the years I have had failed after failed relationships, the majority abusive but some not and they have been really nice and I have pushed them away or self sabotaged them without even realising what I was doing – it was always there fault too really hardly ever mine or so I thought.

As I had internalised all of the abuse that has happened to me in my childhood, looking back now I can see how and why I bounced from one bad relationship to another, I was constantly chasing a “love” I never had and when in any of the relationships I was in I felt like I didn’t receive this love or I was hurt again I went out and slept with other people, sometimes it was out of spite of of the other person, other times it was to hurt me more as I thought that is all I was worth and I could not stand people being nice to me so I ruined it for everyone involved.

Looking back I was a hurt little girl chasing and looking for love in all the wrong places.

Now I can look back at my teens and my 20’s and instead of being upset with my adult self I feel sorry for the younger me and can even send her some love now.

Its such a difficult journey, having to face your truth after years of blocking everything out but I am truly grateful that I did, noone wants to be running round in the same sad desperate circles and not even knowing why you are running round in them in the first place.

These days things are different for me much different, I do dip down low from time to time but looking back my highs and lows were really bad and very destructive, where as now I am coping with them a lot better and when I do get depressed or I have a PTSD episode I am managing it much better.

I think I appreciate the good days so much more and all that I have n my life now. I would not wish my past on anyone or having PTSD as when it takes hold its a monster but the good days means so much more and I try to savour them as much as I can. When I next have a down day or an episode I am going to re read my happy blogs and use this as another tool to remember just how happy I can be, no matter what my past was like

Gratitude List For Today 

1- I am grateful to have learned how to self love, this is vital in anyones life. Im not perfect but I am learning to love even the nasty parts of me slowly

2- I am grateful we have another glorious sunny day! – sunshine is the best medicine around in my eyes

3- I am grateful my feelings are coming back about my partner – hes not perfect either but maybe its our un- perfectness which makes us so perfect

4- I am grateful I have an amazing opportunity at work now, a change and a challenge is as good as rest!

5- I am grateful my best friends are round for pizza and wine tonight – there is noway in this world I would have got through my life without them

6- I am grateful this is my final big bill week – my destructive benders I had a few weeks back do not pay for themselves and leave me absolutely skint but its done now all paid off and all naughty peoples numbers deleted

7 – I am grateful for my beautiful fur baby sooty he is the most beautiful cat in the world

8 РI am grateful to be learning more about myself  everyday

9 – I am grateful for meditation, this lifts my mood so much

10- I am grateful for my lovely home, its such a joy to me.

 

 

 

Happy Work is Half The Work!

Oooh I am happy today!

My company have merged with another company and although I have been happy in the 3 years at my existing one, life at work had become pretty mundane and nobody gave a shit really, coming in in trainers, office potty mouth banter at an all time high ( or low really when you think about it) and I had become complacent and it was a chore going to work, I used to drag myself up 30 mins before I was due in and not care about what I looked like. Considering I am General Manager this is not good at all as basic managerial know how is that you need to set the example. I am not going to beat myself up too much about this though as the M.D of our company was the same and he didn’t really give ¬†a shit either, if truth be told.

I have been setting up the new database in the new office today, I have lots to do now and I am getting treated like my role title suggests I should do from the other 2 M.DS which must mean my existing one has to follow suit. I have been given a larger desk and I am sat with them and my  existing role is changing, I was doing everything in the old company but now as we have merged I get to do what I love again Рmanaging and organising and creating procedures and putting them into place! This is a happy day indeed, I now feel like I have more prospects and more opportunities to better myself not only in knowledge as the other company is a different but similar sector to my existing one but also in pay too and that is always nice!

I didn’t realise just how unhappy in my role I was until the merge happened, isn’t it funny the things you put up with that don’t make you happy without even subconsciously knowing you are unhappy with them. Being happy in your work is half the battle too really as you spend ¬†about 50% of your time there.

Gratitude List For Today

1- I am grateful for all new abundance coming my way!

2 – I am grateful for all the much needed changes at work

3- I am grateful for the £50.00 commission I have earned this week

4- I am grateful to have such wonderful friends and our BBQ that we had last night

5- I am grateful to be able to pass my knowledge onto other people

6- I am grateful for all this lovely sunshine and I am hoping it lasts till the weekend

7- I am grateful for my lovely mum as always

8- I am grateful for my lovely home and all I have in it

9 I am grateful for my lovely partner and all that he does for me

10- I am grateful to be able to blog and write and get my feelings out as this makes me feel much lighter

Great Sexpectations

SEX.

My God I am struggling with this at the moment. I dont know if its because I have just started the EMDR and my senses on high alert or what.

Growing up I subconsciously thought that men wanted sex and I was to give it to them whether I wanted it or not. I was 28 when I had an eppifanny ” I am not expected to have sex with anyone” ¬†it amazed me. I was amazed by the thought of it. Amazed I had never knew this before.

I feel like my partner is pressuring me for sex when he isn’t. Every reference made to sex is making me feel he expects me to have it even though this is totally absurd. He put his hand on my leg the other night, I nearly ripped his arm out the socket as I thought he was going for somewhere else. I feel so guilty on him. He shouldn’t have to put up with this.

He has tried a bit of sexting today, I have had to tell him to stop as its making me shrivel up and die inside. I feel frightened like I have to do something I dont want to and its making me want to run away.  Its like bombs in my head going off and my arms prickle with pain to warn me of danger, there still doing it now.

I now feel like he has the hump with me which he probably doesnt, I feel like I am hurting him being like I am, I want nothing more than to have a good session with him but not today or most of last week or tonight either.

I am determined to find ways round this. My past is not my future or my present. Those bastards stole my childlhood I wont let them ruin this too. Fuck you child abusers and Fuck You PTSD.