Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

New Name For My Blog

I decided to change the name for my blog.

I wanted it to sound more positive.

When I first started this blog it was primarily a place for me write and get things out of my brain as it helps me to do this when my mind has been invaded by a barrel of monkeys but I always hoped that other people would find it and it would be a comfort to them to know we are not alone.

I had absolutely no idea there were so many courageous people blogging about CPTSD/ PTSD and what they had been through and its been a great comfort to me to interact with you all and it makes me feel really proud that no matter what we’re all still here trying and doing our best for ourselves and each other. I genuinely dont know where I would be without certain blogging sites and forums.

It definitely been one of the major contributing factors in assisting me to live a full life regardless off my past so for this reason I am pround to say I am thriving with CPTSD and hope every single person with this does too.