Rock Bottom

Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too. 

Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….

WRONG.

I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.

I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money  £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.

I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.

Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.

To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?

My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.

I need to peice myself back together and quick.

Go Away Stone Cold Fish!

I am having a really productive Monday so far, I have smashed what work I had to do this morning, reprimanding an employee for being late and skiving too much and I’m feeling very officy and managerish which is a refreshing change really as I have been over doing the drinking and the partying the past few weeks, This seems to be a pattern of mine as when I had my counselling last time I was on it constant for nearly the full 9 weeks, I slowed down about week 8 when the first lot of counselling was beginning to work on me so this week its week 3 of EMDR which I will be blogging about later.

I should be really happy today, i’m in work fresh as a daisy and doing my job as I am supposed to do it and not just skimming over everything nursing a sore head and wishing I was back in bed but Im not.

I have not recovered from shutting down to my partner a few weeks back, I am trying to get out of it I really am but everything he is doing or saying is knocking me sick. I manage to get mysef up a bit and then I come crashing down and just want to lock myself away from him or run away. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” and before his one mistake or trigger I was fine we was fine but Iv clammed up and I cant see anywhere out at the moment. I feel like a big massive cold fish. A stone cold fish thats exactly how I feel.

Without going into too much detail my best friend also has PTSD and she says she does similar and it was happened with her and her daughter. She said she was terrified when it happened as you have no feelings at all but obviously the feelings came back to her so that has made me feel better in a weird way, not something I should be happy about really is it but if it can happen to daughters then I’m not the massive weirdo I feel at the moment.

I am still writing my gratitude list regardless of how numb I am feeling today:

1- I am grateful for my job, when I am on the ball I love it

2- I am grateful we are set to have sunshine this week

3- I am grateful to be going my friends for tea tomorrow, I think a good girlie eveing is exactly what I need

4- I am grateful that I have some commission in the balance this week and I have every faith this is going to come through

5 – I am grateful for my lovely hairdresser who has done a fabulous job on my hair on Saturday

6- I am grateful that my uncle had a good birthday party on Saturday and I am also grateful him and his wife have two gorgeous little dogs who bring them so much pleasure

7 – I am grateful as always for my amazing mum I couldnt have a better one

8 – I am grateful for my best friends who I love and cherish very much

9 – I am grateful for my partner who is standing by me even though I am being a massive cold fish

10 – I am grateful I am not bendering as much as I was last time when I started counselling – this might not sound like something I should be grateful for but I am as I can see the improvement of my lesser need for substances for me to feel in control.