Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

Go Away Stone Cold Fish!

I am having a really productive Monday so far, I have smashed what work I had to do this morning, reprimanding an employee for being late and skiving too much and I’m feeling very officy and managerish which is a refreshing change really as I have been over doing the drinking and the partying the past few weeks, This seems to be a pattern of mine as when I had my counselling last time I was on it constant for nearly the full 9 weeks, I slowed down about week 8 when the first lot of counselling was beginning to work on me so this week its week 3 of EMDR which I will be blogging about later.

I should be really happy today, i’m in work fresh as a daisy and doing my job as I am supposed to do it and not just skimming over everything nursing a sore head and wishing I was back in bed but Im not.

I have not recovered from shutting down to my partner a few weeks back, I am trying to get out of it I really am but everything he is doing or saying is knocking me sick. I manage to get mysef up a bit and then I come crashing down and just want to lock myself away from him or run away. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” and before his one mistake or trigger I was fine we was fine but Iv clammed up and I cant see anywhere out at the moment. I feel like a big massive cold fish. A stone cold fish thats exactly how I feel.

Without going into too much detail my best friend also has PTSD and she says she does similar and it was happened with her and her daughter. She said she was terrified when it happened as you have no feelings at all but obviously the feelings came back to her so that has made me feel better in a weird way, not something I should be happy about really is it but if it can happen to daughters then I’m not the massive weirdo I feel at the moment.

I am still writing my gratitude list regardless of how numb I am feeling today:

1- I am grateful for my job, when I am on the ball I love it

2- I am grateful we are set to have sunshine this week

3- I am grateful to be going my friends for tea tomorrow, I think a good girlie eveing is exactly what I need

4- I am grateful that I have some commission in the balance this week and I have every faith this is going to come through

5 – I am grateful for my lovely hairdresser who has done a fabulous job on my hair on Saturday

6- I am grateful that my uncle had a good birthday party on Saturday and I am also grateful him and his wife have two gorgeous little dogs who bring them so much pleasure

7 – I am grateful as always for my amazing mum I couldnt have a better one

8 – I am grateful for my best friends who I love and cherish very much

9 – I am grateful for my partner who is standing by me even though I am being a massive cold fish

10 – I am grateful I am not bendering as much as I was last time when I started counselling – this might not sound like something I should be grateful for but I am as I can see the improvement of my lesser need for substances for me to feel in control.