Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

EMDR Session 7 – my skin is crawling

###this may trigger####

Im still realing from todays today so im just going to write and write to get this out of my head.

I told my therapist I know I need to forgive my Dad and that when my partner sends me sexy texts or says anything suggestive it make my skin crawl and I panic like im waiting to have to do some sexual act, she was already aware of this but she thought this was to do with when I was 5 or 6 but after thinking a lot this week and trying to match reactions to memories I think this is also to do with my Dad.

I explained how he was taunted me since being about 9 onwards ( I was an early developer) about my breasts and things and basically sexualised me from as young as I can remember, commenting on my weight, asking who im shagging on the park ( I was 12/13 and very naughty but its no wonder really, a child behaves how they are told they are so iv your belitteled shamed and told your a slut from an early age you think that is how you are and how you should be)

Most of his friends and my step family who I am no longer in contact with used to laugh along or laugh it off and I did too.I pretended I was fine when really every remarking was leaving a very deep scar which at the time I didnt realise was happening.

We started focusing on this memory and It went back and forth back and forth. I started to disassociate. It was like deep inside me there was someome screamimg bit it was so far away it wasnt really part of me.

We stopped and she said that is peadofillic you do know that. That shook me to the core. There it was out on the table something I had denied and not beleived for so many years. She then said what do you want to say to your Dad I said I dont know I was squirming at this point and I decided to say to him your disgusting. We started again and I just looked at her and said I cant do it. The thought of betraying my father like like just made me switch off.

How ironic is that? I cant even say your disgusting in my mind to my dead father after all the years of abuse he put me through. It still doesnt feel real. Its like its happened to someone else when its not its all happened to me.

She then went on to say place my hand on my heart that will comfort you as there are nerve endings connected to the brain from the heart. This helped quite a bit actually and my managed to process a few things.

But now I am left with the fact that my father was a peadofile.

Which opens up a whole other can of nasty evillness. My father was a peadofile so does that mean im tainted too? How can I still love and want to protect him now? I feel pysically sick thinking about all of this. Iv basically been abused mentally, physically and sexually right up untill he died which was only 2 years ago. How can I of accepted his behaviour as normal?

So not only the the other 2 disgusting fucks my own father is on the very long list of abusers who arnt even connected how fucked up is that?

A hundred thousand worms crawling in and one my skin right now. This blogging hasnt helped its made it worse.

EMDR Session 5 – Unlovable Me

Yesterdays session was HARD. The hardest one yet.

I have been drawing a bit of a blank at the sexual abuse/ assault stuff for some reason and My therapist asked me last week if ever I had been physically abused, I said by who she said by anyone so I told her about my dad hitting me and grabbing me by the throat this then led into all the abusive relationships I have had in my adult life.

She was looking at me in sheer disbelieve.

I said I know its a mess 😦

She then said –  I just think your amazing, to which I just brushed off i certainly am not amazing at all. everything was just the norm at the time I expected it all to happen so none of it was a surprised.

She said why dont we work on the physical abuse this week, I said yes that would be fine, as I was telling her everything I could feel my heart palpating and the panic and pain rising up. She said we should of started at stage 4 of the EMDR really as she wasnt aware of all this other stuff which indicates I have CPTSD as apposed to PTSD

In each session the believe that comes up for me is I am unlovable, every time I say I am alone and noone wants me.

We started on the memory of my dad having my by the throat on the floor when I was about 13, he had his hand raised to me as if to punch me and he said ” The only reason I am not hitting you is because you have your fucking glasses on”

So I focused on this memory and the bi lateral stimulation begins and the tear start flowing and flowing and flowing, my throat closes up and I cant speak, the pain my my heart is so raw its like my heart is going to come out of my chest and then I start with these great big shudders of sobs that keep escaping out, I had to put my hand to my head to hide myself as i was doing it as the feelings coming up where embarrassment and shame.

Through out this whole session I know what needs to come out and I was not letting it out, I dont want it out. I felt like i was holding on to a chair at a really scary movie expect it wasnt a movie this is my life. My whole body was freezing through out this session to not let the dreaded realisation out that I have blocked out my whole life.

She kept saying thats good thats good, let the little girls feelings out, let the little girls feelings out as I was sobbing and hiding in the chair but I still couldn’t properly really. I know there is loads more in there and I know there is nothing to be scared of anymore but the little me inside just cant do this.

We stopped about 15 mins before the end and she said do I want to carry on to which I said no. I have never had to do that before either. I could of cried and cried and screamed and screamed all day. It didn’t stop when I got home either I curled up in a ball and cried to my partner saying I am broken and the pain is too much to bare.

I started asking him questions about his Dad as my partners Dad wanted nothing to do with him, its very sad and I know he harbors a lot of pain and maybe it was selfish of me to ask him how he feels about it. He didn’t really want to go into much detail about it. I suppose I want someone to tell me there ok about there Dads and what they have been through.

I still feel ashamed and embarrassed about all of this. I want to hang my head in shame that I wasnt lovable.