Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too.
Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….
I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.
I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.
I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.
Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.
To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?
My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.
I need to peice myself back together and quick.