Rock Bottom

Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too. 

Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….

WRONG.

I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.

I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money  £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.

I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.

Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.

To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?

My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.

I need to peice myself back together and quick.

How are you supposed to let go of “The Past” when its everywhere?

Ugh. I have been triggered massively this weekend. Just when I think im getting somewhere and the people and the past experiences are just a memory never to be forgotten but soundly asleep at the back of my mind someone makes them spring back to life like a very disturbing jack in a box.

If you have followed my blog you will know I have struggled with drug problem in my past, bender after bender walking round like a skeleton before I had the hospital incident which forced me to admit I had suffered a life time of abuse from multiple people. Since those dark days in 2012 I have it more or less under control, Im not perfect I slip up and take cocaine some times but its getting further and further in between and I use Reiki and meditation and my spirituality has helped me massively and always will do, I am a firm beleiver in this.

But this weekend I went out for a drink with a very good friend, and as is typical in my small town we bumped into another good friend who happens to have a new boyfriend. So I waved excitedly to the second friend come and sit with us introduce us to your new boyfriend…….worse mistake I could of made. New boyfriend is someone who knows my dad and knows the mess I was in before my breakdown, hes a “gangster” who is in charge of the   “Drug Ring” and in the thick of the people I have now cut out of my life including the evil step family.

He said to me I already know you, I squashed a debt of £350 for you because I liked your Dad ” He was a very Good Man” I said I am sorry but I have no idea what your talking about. The thing is I was in such a mess back them this could be true but it might not be I wouldn’t of known, hours turned into days into months into years back then due to the amount of cocaine and amphetamine I was taking. I didn’t know my own name sometimes.

The horror of this has hit me and even though its Monday I cant stop thinking about it its buzzing in my brain the memories, the reasons why I was so bad, the feeling of filth and that I am filth, that I am nothing but a filthy worthless person who doesn’t give two fuck about herself.

“Your Dad Was A Good Man…….” to you yes to me hes a whole mess of love and hate and shame the shame of your Dad not loving you properly is harrowing.

Part of me wants the whole world to know how I have suffered and to maybe know why I behaved like until I was 28 years old but my Dad is DEAD its his 2 year anniversary on the 23rd of this month so if I come clean now I dont think anyone would believe me anyway so whats the point. Instead I am cursed with this bastard CPTSD the struggle to keep the beast at bay, the reminders of the past, the hurt the deep longing to be loved like a proper daughter should of been and the embarrassment of people like my friends new boyfreind reminding me of the state I was in.

No matter how hard I work or how hard I try to improve me be a better person, be more understanding and accepting the past will always be there it can not be changed and that is a fact.

The hardest critic on me if truth be told is me – what do I care what that gangster did or what people think but I do care and its not fair that they dont know the truth behind the fucked up girl I was.

 

EMDR Session 7 – my skin is crawling

###this may trigger####

Im still realing from todays today so im just going to write and write to get this out of my head.

I told my therapist I know I need to forgive my Dad and that when my partner sends me sexy texts or says anything suggestive it make my skin crawl and I panic like im waiting to have to do some sexual act, she was already aware of this but she thought this was to do with when I was 5 or 6 but after thinking a lot this week and trying to match reactions to memories I think this is also to do with my Dad.

I explained how he was taunted me since being about 9 onwards ( I was an early developer) about my breasts and things and basically sexualised me from as young as I can remember, commenting on my weight, asking who im shagging on the park ( I was 12/13 and very naughty but its no wonder really, a child behaves how they are told they are so iv your belitteled shamed and told your a slut from an early age you think that is how you are and how you should be)

Most of his friends and my step family who I am no longer in contact with used to laugh along or laugh it off and I did too.I pretended I was fine when really every remarking was leaving a very deep scar which at the time I didnt realise was happening.

We started focusing on this memory and It went back and forth back and forth. I started to disassociate. It was like deep inside me there was someome screamimg bit it was so far away it wasnt really part of me.

We stopped and she said that is peadofillic you do know that. That shook me to the core. There it was out on the table something I had denied and not beleived for so many years. She then said what do you want to say to your Dad I said I dont know I was squirming at this point and I decided to say to him your disgusting. We started again and I just looked at her and said I cant do it. The thought of betraying my father like like just made me switch off.

How ironic is that? I cant even say your disgusting in my mind to my dead father after all the years of abuse he put me through. It still doesnt feel real. Its like its happened to someone else when its not its all happened to me.

She then went on to say place my hand on my heart that will comfort you as there are nerve endings connected to the brain from the heart. This helped quite a bit actually and my managed to process a few things.

But now I am left with the fact that my father was a peadofile.

Which opens up a whole other can of nasty evillness. My father was a peadofile so does that mean im tainted too? How can I still love and want to protect him now? I feel pysically sick thinking about all of this. Iv basically been abused mentally, physically and sexually right up untill he died which was only 2 years ago. How can I of accepted his behaviour as normal?

So not only the the other 2 disgusting fucks my own father is on the very long list of abusers who arnt even connected how fucked up is that?

A hundred thousand worms crawling in and one my skin right now. This blogging hasnt helped its made it worse.

EMDR Session 6 -” Its definitely CPTSD”

*** THIS MAY TRIGGER****

WOW. What a wank day.

I had my EMDR session today, I haven’t had one for 2 weeks and today has just left me feeling exhausted pissed off and like there will be no return from this.

The past two weeks all thinks to do with sex has completely repulsed me. I haven’t even been able to sit next to my partner on the settee properly without feeling like my skin is crawling, well I say partner after this weekend just gone he is not my partner for the time being and has been shipped back to his mothers but that is another post all together.

” Lets start with the earliest memory again, the one with your step granddad in your nans front room” says my therapist ( who is lovely by the way) So I stare at the blank wall while she starts the bilateral stimulation in between my thumbs.Feeling of disgust and shame flow in and out and the deep burning hole of despair in my heart burns and burns and the hot tears flow out of my eyes. Same old Same old then. Then as per usual my dad comes into the equation.

” who do you need to make you safe?” she says I say my dad. Not wired up right am I really, to still ache and yearn for my dad to love me like a proper dad. I hang my head in shame and I feel guilty for feeling this way, the burning hole of despair in my heart just expanded ten fold. I am still drawing blanks  nothing really shifting or moving just the feeling of being tense and on a ride desperately forcing whatever emotion I am choosing not to let out back in, my force to be able to do this is like a Trojan I must say. I must of been a hard nut of a little girl to have kept all this hidden and stuffed down for all these years.

“lets try something else, when you feel repulsed and like your suffocating when your partner mentions sex to you, whats the earliest memory of that?” I explain  about how when I was 12 I was walking to my dads house on boxing day early hours  after drinking and smoking weed at his dick head girlfriend house party, I asked a man if he had seen my Dad. ( I was taken into every pub my home town by the time I was 9, I thought the whole world and his dog knew my dad. I idolised my Dad even though he was a complete cunt to me to the majority of the time, I was a Girl for Daddy, I cant say Daddy’s Girl as thats not strictly true is it) The man said yes I know your Dad and I know where he is and he took me by the hand and took me to a secluded grassy area pushed me down and shoved his fat old disgusting cock in my mouth and made me heave and blew his fucking disgusting evil load all in my little mouth. I didn’t think to scream, I didn’t think to shout. He dragged me up and wiped my face with his hand whilst breathing on me I had my eyes screwed shot then he ran off fastening his disgusting belt.

So what did 12 year old me do?

She scuttled off back to her Dads dickhead girlfriends house let herself in and got on the settee and curled up and went to slept. She was too scared of her Dad finding out and thinking her the slut that he called her anyway. This must be what big girls get up to and I so want my Dad to love me for being a big girl and being cool to him and his friends.

The image was coming and going. I said to my Therapist its coming and going I dont feel anything, I have no emotion all I was bothered about was my Dad finding out. She said there is no right or wrong way to feel.

How can all these incidents of early abuse not really bother me at all, well ok they do they must do but the lack of love from my Father and how he treated me seems to be the “theme” as she calls it.

I am unlovable

I am disgusting

I am shamed

I am trapped.

At the end I say so is it PTSD or CPTSD ( I don’t know why this matters to me but it does)

” Oh is definitely CPTSD she says, most of my clients are” She smiles this deep brown eyed sad smile as if to say ” well, what the fuck are we going to do with you my love?”

I genuinely have no idea

 

 

 

Fire and Water Dream

Wow I had a very intense dream last night. I dreamed that I was on the Ship Canal where I live and in the distance there was a massive massive explosion, it was as if it was the end of the world. The fire was burning in the sky and everyone was running away and screaming and the fire was chasing myself and my partner we was running away along the canal and it was if I was in a toboggan and this toboggan went deep down into the murky water of the ship canal.

I managed to get out, I was saturated and we carried on running but these balls of fire kept coming for us and we managed to dodge them but then one engulfed me and then I thought it had burned my face at first but it hadn’t my I looked down and all my chest was scarred.

The next bit we was further along the canal and lots of people where there from school it was like the whole school was there all in uniforms and we were looking for somewhere to hide but all the places where taken. Everyone was waving and singing and we managed to find a little stream and hide under a small bridge.

I have looked the dream up and it seem that there is danger a foot or so the dream meaning tell me as the fire was in the distance and it creeped up on us, also purification and suppressed emotions. Water symbolizes emotions and it was black it was that murky.

Oh lovely things to look forward to then!

If anyone has any insights into this dream I would love to hear your thoughts

I havnt wrote for a while, I have been struggling with the EMDR, I start again on Monday.  I hope it begins working soon.

EMDR Session 5 – Unlovable Me

Yesterdays session was HARD. The hardest one yet.

I have been drawing a bit of a blank at the sexual abuse/ assault stuff for some reason and My therapist asked me last week if ever I had been physically abused, I said by who she said by anyone so I told her about my dad hitting me and grabbing me by the throat this then led into all the abusive relationships I have had in my adult life.

She was looking at me in sheer disbelieve.

I said I know its a mess 😦

She then said –  I just think your amazing, to which I just brushed off i certainly am not amazing at all. everything was just the norm at the time I expected it all to happen so none of it was a surprised.

She said why dont we work on the physical abuse this week, I said yes that would be fine, as I was telling her everything I could feel my heart palpating and the panic and pain rising up. She said we should of started at stage 4 of the EMDR really as she wasnt aware of all this other stuff which indicates I have CPTSD as apposed to PTSD

In each session the believe that comes up for me is I am unlovable, every time I say I am alone and noone wants me.

We started on the memory of my dad having my by the throat on the floor when I was about 13, he had his hand raised to me as if to punch me and he said ” The only reason I am not hitting you is because you have your fucking glasses on”

So I focused on this memory and the bi lateral stimulation begins and the tear start flowing and flowing and flowing, my throat closes up and I cant speak, the pain my my heart is so raw its like my heart is going to come out of my chest and then I start with these great big shudders of sobs that keep escaping out, I had to put my hand to my head to hide myself as i was doing it as the feelings coming up where embarrassment and shame.

Through out this whole session I know what needs to come out and I was not letting it out, I dont want it out. I felt like i was holding on to a chair at a really scary movie expect it wasnt a movie this is my life. My whole body was freezing through out this session to not let the dreaded realisation out that I have blocked out my whole life.

She kept saying thats good thats good, let the little girls feelings out, let the little girls feelings out as I was sobbing and hiding in the chair but I still couldn’t properly really. I know there is loads more in there and I know there is nothing to be scared of anymore but the little me inside just cant do this.

We stopped about 15 mins before the end and she said do I want to carry on to which I said no. I have never had to do that before either. I could of cried and cried and screamed and screamed all day. It didn’t stop when I got home either I curled up in a ball and cried to my partner saying I am broken and the pain is too much to bare.

I started asking him questions about his Dad as my partners Dad wanted nothing to do with him, its very sad and I know he harbors a lot of pain and maybe it was selfish of me to ask him how he feels about it. He didn’t really want to go into much detail about it. I suppose I want someone to tell me there ok about there Dads and what they have been through.

I still feel ashamed and embarrassed about all of this. I want to hang my head in shame that I wasnt lovable.

 

 

Went to My Spiritualist Church Last Night…..

Last night I decided to go to the Spiritualist Church. I just felt a pull to go, I am a full member of my local one I love it I really do the energy’s feel so loving and peaceful and after the past few weeks of how I have been feeling I really needed some loving.

I have done the foundation course and I was going to the development group every week but I dropped off somehow. Its mad of me really as the one thing that makes me feel on top of the world is when I am practicing Reiki and mediumship. I  was going a separate circle too which is brilliant but I  dropped off that too,

When I got there my friends were so happy to see me They ran over and gave me a big kiss I was made up I really was I only know them through church but they were so happy to see me and visa versa, I felt overwhelmed with love.

I have never worked at the Church open circle before, only at the private one which is much smaller but as soon as I sat down the love and peace engulfed me, it felt amazing and I knew I was going to get up and give a message.

Before this though my Dad and my Gran came through together,  I knew it was them straight away when the medium got up, she said I have a couple in spirit but they  are not married but related and look totally opposite and there personality’s are totally opposite too the male is very tall and thin and the lady is quite small and robust and they are singing the nursery rhyme ” Jack Sprat can eat no fat, his wife can eat no lean” so I said I can take that.

The medium said they can come to give me healing as I have been very confused of late and anxious and panicky. She said she could see a hedgehog and the hedgehog was walking normally and all of a sudden it curls up in a ball to protect itself, she said that how I am. I think that is exactly like PTSD to be honest, I had never thought of it that way before but to me that is a very accurate description. They said no matter how far I veer down one path I can always turn back on myself if I am not happy with it, its never too late to turn a corner. They said I needed to get my laughter back from when I was a kid as Iv lost it at the moment. Sent me lots of love and then my Gran left me with a Jelly on  plate.

It was a lovey message to receive and very accurate considering what I have been going through as of late.

At this point I still had the energy I could feel around me on my left side, I tuned in and it was a little old lady who was full off fun and had come to energize someone as they were down and had lots to do so I looked at my friend across the circle and said can I get up and she beamed at me and said yes of course so I got up and gave the message off, it was only brief I am knew to this really and I am out of practice but I gave the evidence of Spirit and she was left with a pocket watch from her Grandma, I was amazed it all just flew off my tongue, especially with it being my first time in Church.

I was dead chuffed after this, I am turning a corner and getting my Spirituality back up the vibrations are rising in me again I can feel it, I am so grateful of this.

I know we create our own realities and I know all the experiences I have drawn to me are for me to grow but its so hard when I trip and get dragged back down, I hope this turn of a corner for me for a long period of time before the next hiccup. Thank You God and all the Angels for helping me yet again ❤