Rock Bottom

Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too. 

Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….

WRONG.

I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.

I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money  £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.

I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.

Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.

To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?

My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.

I need to peice myself back together and quick.

A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

Triggers and Angel Dreams and Messages

Last night I wake up at 4.03 I was in a deep sleep but I was woken up my hearing a female voice saying the word “Shem” I went to the loo in my half a asleep grogginess and was saying the word over and over in my head rather confused, I have never heard this word before I got back in bed and went to to sleep.

I then woke up from having not a very nice dream at all, I saw a ghost in the bathroom mirror of a young girl with long thing wavy brown hair, I turned round and she was gone and then the next minute I was having sex with someone who wasnt my partner and I didnt want it and I started crying and the next minute a women was running me a massive bubble bath and for some reason I had really long eye lashes. I woke up and I was convinced this dream was real and I was crying and shaking  I felt so guilty on my partner that I had slept with someone else even though I didnt want it, it took me good 10 mins to realise it wasnt really I woke my partner up and he cuddled me till the shaking had stopped.

I then remembered the early women’s voice who had said “Shem” I googled it and it came up that its a bible name and “Shem” was Noahs son. I then looked down and these was another link about what the word actually means, it has lots of variations but I liked this one best, it does go into quite a bit of detail but it means practically the opposite of “Shame”  If you would like to read further into the meaning of the word “Shem” the link is here http://beth-abraham.org/shem.html

I have no doubt that I was visited by an Angel last night to tell me this new word “Shem” I dont quite understand it all yet but the link above with all the information in is slowly making sense to me , I keep re reading it. If anyone is reading this blog please do comment and provide me with some more insight.

I also looked in my Doreen Virtue numbers 101 book and the 403 number has this message:

“God, the angels, and the ascended masters are all rallying around you, giving you extra love and support right now. Call upon them to help you with this current situation, and follow any guidance you receive, as it is an answer to your prayers”

Before all this had happened, I had had a trigger and became upset. My partner, who is not violent or nasty in the slightest,  he is the complete opposite actually, the has the biggest heart I have ever found in a person anyway, he kicked the cats ball and then he banged the fridge but for some reason it seemed like he was banging things in a threatening way and I became scared and I burst into tears and I said to him “I feel like your banging stuff about like your going to hit me” and he just loved me till I had stopped crying and we watched Lord of the Rings so I could get lost in the film to take my mind of it.

I have my EMDR treatment this afternoon at 2pm, I have plenty to tell my Therapist as I have not seen her for 2 weeks now.

Maybe God and the Angels are letting me know I don’t need to be ashamed anymore.  I feel really lucky to have received these messages last night, even if elements of the second dream wasn’t very pleasant I have looked up the other elements of the dream and have found they mean this:

Bath
To dream that you are taking a bath signifies a cleansing of your outer and inner self. You are washing away the difficult times. This dream may also be symbolic of ridding yourself of old ideas, notions, opinions, and other negativities. Your dream may be pointing toward forgiveness and letting go.
 

Eyelashes
To notice your eyelashes or dream that they are growing indicates that you are trying to express yourself in some subtle or covert way. It also signifies good luck.

Ghost
To see a ghost in your dream represents something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Try to figure out what the ghost wants or what it is looking for. The dream may also be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior. Dreaming that you are being stalked or haunted by a ghost indicates that you are refusing to confront issues from your past which is affecting your present life.

These dream meanings were found here: http://dreammoods.com/

I would really love if anyone reading this blog has any helpful insights on this experience.

Go Away Stone Cold Fish!

I am having a really productive Monday so far, I have smashed what work I had to do this morning, reprimanding an employee for being late and skiving too much and I’m feeling very officy and managerish which is a refreshing change really as I have been over doing the drinking and the partying the past few weeks, This seems to be a pattern of mine as when I had my counselling last time I was on it constant for nearly the full 9 weeks, I slowed down about week 8 when the first lot of counselling was beginning to work on me so this week its week 3 of EMDR which I will be blogging about later.

I should be really happy today, i’m in work fresh as a daisy and doing my job as I am supposed to do it and not just skimming over everything nursing a sore head and wishing I was back in bed but Im not.

I have not recovered from shutting down to my partner a few weeks back, I am trying to get out of it I really am but everything he is doing or saying is knocking me sick. I manage to get mysef up a bit and then I come crashing down and just want to lock myself away from him or run away. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” and before his one mistake or trigger I was fine we was fine but Iv clammed up and I cant see anywhere out at the moment. I feel like a big massive cold fish. A stone cold fish thats exactly how I feel.

Without going into too much detail my best friend also has PTSD and she says she does similar and it was happened with her and her daughter. She said she was terrified when it happened as you have no feelings at all but obviously the feelings came back to her so that has made me feel better in a weird way, not something I should be happy about really is it but if it can happen to daughters then I’m not the massive weirdo I feel at the moment.

I am still writing my gratitude list regardless of how numb I am feeling today:

1- I am grateful for my job, when I am on the ball I love it

2- I am grateful we are set to have sunshine this week

3- I am grateful to be going my friends for tea tomorrow, I think a good girlie eveing is exactly what I need

4- I am grateful that I have some commission in the balance this week and I have every faith this is going to come through

5 – I am grateful for my lovely hairdresser who has done a fabulous job on my hair on Saturday

6- I am grateful that my uncle had a good birthday party on Saturday and I am also grateful him and his wife have two gorgeous little dogs who bring them so much pleasure

7 – I am grateful as always for my amazing mum I couldnt have a better one

8 – I am grateful for my best friends who I love and cherish very much

9 – I am grateful for my partner who is standing by me even though I am being a massive cold fish

10 – I am grateful I am not bendering as much as I was last time when I started counselling – this might not sound like something I should be grateful for but I am as I can see the improvement of my lesser need for substances for me to feel in control.