Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

How many different Me’s can there be

First day back to work went ok, I was very cagey and felt like my chest was going to burst open spilling all my disgusting filth everywhere, filled up with tears a few times but nobody knew. I have learnt to be a master of disguise over the years when I have to be. I can answer the phone at work and be so happy and cheerful you would never guess iv beat myself up to near death for the past four days. Someone said to me once “I love ringing your office your always so happy and cheerfull” to which I replied ” Well a voice can tell a 1000 lies” they thought I was joking but I genuinely wasnt I was having a terrible time of it.

Sometimes I feel like Im 10 different personalities all in one body theres wreckhead me, sugery sweet me, spiritual me, hard faced me and the one I hate the most is filthy disgusting me and how I try to control this one and push it down and then all of a sudden im triggered and bang there she is dripping words of poison over and over again but shes subsiding again at the moment.

I know im in a viscious circle and have been for longer than I can imagine however spiritual work, healing and therapy have all taught me that whenever the beast rears its ugly head it means something is trying to get out something is trying  to heal so iv been analysed all day and I cant decided if its because I have a cellular beleive I need to be punished and dont deserve so I punish myself as soon as the going gets good, if its because Im weak and took my fella back when I didnt really want him so Iv stopped listening to my heart and thats why the sudden dip or whether its because I obviously still dont love and accept myself and what to hurt me or maybe a mixture of everything.

Deep mind boggling thoughts.

I will be meditating tonight on releasing negativity and asking for arch angel Michael’s help. Im also going to write a thank you list that usually makes me feek better.

Even as im writing this there is a little demon in me niggling making me feel filthy. Wish I had some more EMDR therapy  sessions left something is desperate to come out but its stuck fast at the moment

3rd EMDR Session – Just Plain Horrible

I have just got back from my 3rd EMDR session and I feel absolutely awful 😦 I am gutted because I have been in such a good mood all day and I feel exhausted and very sad I had planned to come home and deep clean the house but I just want to get in bed now.

I am surprised at this weeks session as last week we focused on what had happened with my nans second husband and we left it just touching on a memory I had about my mum when I was 5 and  had totally forgot we had even gone there last week so we started with this.

The memory was off my dad punching my mum in the face, her head bounced of the fire place at my auntys and there was blood everywhere, I went to the front door and tried to scream for help but no words would come out. I went back in to her as my Dad was walking out and she was on the floor sobbing but then he shouted ” Come on were going! ” so I left her. I was only 5 at the time and I was scared and I went with my Dad. I had’nt seen him for months at this point, well I think I think it was months.

I just couldn’t get past the sadness and the guilt at all over and over went over this, the pain is still so raw. My poor Mummy.  When you are having the EMDR you have to focus on the memory then my Councillor is touching my thumbs back and forth and then you have to take a deep breath and see what comes up. Pain, Hurt, Guilt, Despair, Abandonment. For me they are physical emotions I feel these pains in my stomach, heart and arms it absolutely horrific.

Then my Gran came into focus, oh my my Gran loved me the love from her was so pure and this made me cry even harder I miss her so much. She passed away a month before my Dad did. Then I started feeling guilt over her and all what she did for me and I just kept wanting to say I am sorry I am sorry over and over.

The next thing that happened was very strange, I said I feel like everyone is laughing at me and making fun of me, I feel ashamed and I started to get really really panicky my felt like my chest was restricted and I couldnt speak properly I said I am getting bullied. I wasnt bullied at school but I did feel bullied by my dad and ridiculed so maybe this was relating to this I am unsure as I was only getting feelings and no pictures with the emotions and memories. At one point I went to the cupboard under the stairs where I used to hide and play with my toys. I had forgotten all about that cupboard.

At the end of the session my therapist asked me how do I feel about the memory now. I said I could brake my heart over it, over my poor Mum and leaving her like that. She said well in that case the memory has’nt processed. I dont know how I am ever going to process that if I am honest. My eyes are filling up just writing this post.

She then said what is very clear is how much I wanted my Dads love even though I never got it and she said that is perfectly normal, I broke down again. He is dead now so that will never happen anyway not like it ever would happen.

She said the reaction that came out when I said I was being bullied is typical of PTSD symptoms, the sheer panic and the not being able to talk.

I need to find to a way to accept this all of this I just dont know how. I really really want to my mind says I can do this but my heart is saying no you can not it hurts too much the pain is to great.



Anger Issues

Riding The Waves

I have just read somewhere that we shouldn’t judge our emotions. Let emotions come and go it says.  Have a read below:

Living with PTSD

I agree with the majority of the points on there but its god damn hard. Monitoring my emotions and trusting my inner judgement on my emotions is one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to learn.  Take today for instance. I have been carrying so much anger since Sunday and its not shifting yet at all.  I want to scream and shout at my partner but its not his fault really why I am angry.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at the people who put me in danger who should of known better. I am angry that I having to learn this self acceptance the hard way. I am angry I am having to love and teach myself how to love myself. I am angry that I have to undo all these wrong believes that have been sown into me. So to merely start ” accept” your emotions I think its a bit rich really.

Anger is a new one to me on this healing journey. I haven’t really felt anger before in relation to the abuse I have suffered. Or maybe I have but not been able to recognise it where as now I am recognising it I am worried as to how I am to express this emotion. I dont want anyone to feel the wrath but its bubbling under the surface and people are getting on my last nerve. I  have been feeling like a raw ticking time bomb and I have been defensive over EVERYTHING.

I started this blog post this morning and my anger was still fizzing away but I have actually felt a lift this afternoon. I don’t know if its because we have changed the shit radio station at work to XFM or the fact they played a Viola Beach song ( R.I.P Boys <3)  and this has made me realise that life IS precious.

Looks like the post that had got my back up this morning does have some truth in it. Nothing stays the same even if it feels like it will at the time.  Just go to ride the waves I suppose.

P.S :

The photo on this blog is one I took on Bamburgh Beach in Northumberland a few weeks back. The waves were magnificent and the sea was so moody it was really something to watch and feel. I felt amazing on that beach, like the sea was washing out my soul.