How many different Me’s can there be

First day back to work went ok, I was very cagey and felt like my chest was going to burst open spilling all my disgusting filth everywhere, filled up with tears a few times but nobody knew. I have learnt to be a master of disguise over the years when I have to be. I can answer the phone at work and be so happy and cheerful you would never guess iv beat myself up to near death for the past four days. Someone said to me once “I love ringing your office your always so happy and cheerfull” to which I replied ” Well a voice can tell a 1000 lies” they thought I was joking but I genuinely wasnt I was having a terrible time of it.

Sometimes I feel like Im 10 different personalities all in one body theres wreckhead me, sugery sweet me, spiritual me, hard faced me and the one I hate the most is filthy disgusting me and how I try to control this one and push it down and then all of a sudden im triggered and bang there she is dripping words of poison over and over again but shes subsiding again at the moment.

I know im in a viscious circle and have been for longer than I can imagine however spiritual work, healing and therapy have all taught me that whenever the beast rears its ugly head it means something is trying to get out something is trying  to heal so iv been analysed all day and I cant decided if its because I have a cellular beleive I need to be punished and dont deserve so I punish myself as soon as the going gets good, if its because Im weak and took my fella back when I didnt really want him so Iv stopped listening to my heart and thats why the sudden dip or whether its because I obviously still dont love and accept myself and what to hurt me or maybe a mixture of everything.

Deep mind boggling thoughts.

I will be meditating tonight on releasing negativity and asking for arch angel Michael’s help. Im also going to write a thank you list that usually makes me feek better.

Even as im writing this there is a little demon in me niggling making me feel filthy. Wish I had some more EMDR therapy  sessions left something is desperate to come out but its stuck fast at the moment

A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

EMDR Session 7 – my skin is crawling

###this may trigger####

Im still realing from todays today so im just going to write and write to get this out of my head.

I told my therapist I know I need to forgive my Dad and that when my partner sends me sexy texts or says anything suggestive it make my skin crawl and I panic like im waiting to have to do some sexual act, she was already aware of this but she thought this was to do with when I was 5 or 6 but after thinking a lot this week and trying to match reactions to memories I think this is also to do with my Dad.

I explained how he was taunted me since being about 9 onwards ( I was an early developer) about my breasts and things and basically sexualised me from as young as I can remember, commenting on my weight, asking who im shagging on the park ( I was 12/13 and very naughty but its no wonder really, a child behaves how they are told they are so iv your belitteled shamed and told your a slut from an early age you think that is how you are and how you should be)

Most of his friends and my step family who I am no longer in contact with used to laugh along or laugh it off and I did too.I pretended I was fine when really every remarking was leaving a very deep scar which at the time I didnt realise was happening.

We started focusing on this memory and It went back and forth back and forth. I started to disassociate. It was like deep inside me there was someome screamimg bit it was so far away it wasnt really part of me.

We stopped and she said that is peadofillic you do know that. That shook me to the core. There it was out on the table something I had denied and not beleived for so many years. She then said what do you want to say to your Dad I said I dont know I was squirming at this point and I decided to say to him your disgusting. We started again and I just looked at her and said I cant do it. The thought of betraying my father like like just made me switch off.

How ironic is that? I cant even say your disgusting in my mind to my dead father after all the years of abuse he put me through. It still doesnt feel real. Its like its happened to someone else when its not its all happened to me.

She then went on to say place my hand on my heart that will comfort you as there are nerve endings connected to the brain from the heart. This helped quite a bit actually and my managed to process a few things.

But now I am left with the fact that my father was a peadofile.

Which opens up a whole other can of nasty evillness. My father was a peadofile so does that mean im tainted too? How can I still love and want to protect him now? I feel pysically sick thinking about all of this. Iv basically been abused mentally, physically and sexually right up untill he died which was only 2 years ago. How can I of accepted his behaviour as normal?

So not only the the other 2 disgusting fucks my own father is on the very long list of abusers who arnt even connected how fucked up is that?

A hundred thousand worms crawling in and one my skin right now. This blogging hasnt helped its made it worse.

Go Away Stone Cold Fish!

I am having a really productive Monday so far, I have smashed what work I had to do this morning, reprimanding an employee for being late and skiving too much and I’m feeling very officy and managerish which is a refreshing change really as I have been over doing the drinking and the partying the past few weeks, This seems to be a pattern of mine as when I had my counselling last time I was on it constant for nearly the full 9 weeks, I slowed down about week 8 when the first lot of counselling was beginning to work on me so this week its week 3 of EMDR which I will be blogging about later.

I should be really happy today, i’m in work fresh as a daisy and doing my job as I am supposed to do it and not just skimming over everything nursing a sore head and wishing I was back in bed but Im not.

I have not recovered from shutting down to my partner a few weeks back, I am trying to get out of it I really am but everything he is doing or saying is knocking me sick. I manage to get mysef up a bit and then I come crashing down and just want to lock myself away from him or run away. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” and before his one mistake or trigger I was fine we was fine but Iv clammed up and I cant see anywhere out at the moment. I feel like a big massive cold fish. A stone cold fish thats exactly how I feel.

Without going into too much detail my best friend also has PTSD and she says she does similar and it was happened with her and her daughter. She said she was terrified when it happened as you have no feelings at all but obviously the feelings came back to her so that has made me feel better in a weird way, not something I should be happy about really is it but if it can happen to daughters then I’m not the massive weirdo I feel at the moment.

I am still writing my gratitude list regardless of how numb I am feeling today:

1- I am grateful for my job, when I am on the ball I love it

2- I am grateful we are set to have sunshine this week

3- I am grateful to be going my friends for tea tomorrow, I think a good girlie eveing is exactly what I need

4- I am grateful that I have some commission in the balance this week and I have every faith this is going to come through

5 – I am grateful for my lovely hairdresser who has done a fabulous job on my hair on Saturday

6- I am grateful that my uncle had a good birthday party on Saturday and I am also grateful him and his wife have two gorgeous little dogs who bring them so much pleasure

7 – I am grateful as always for my amazing mum I couldnt have a better one

8 – I am grateful for my best friends who I love and cherish very much

9 – I am grateful for my partner who is standing by me even though I am being a massive cold fish

10 – I am grateful I am not bendering as much as I was last time when I started counselling – this might not sound like something I should be grateful for but I am as I can see the improvement of my lesser need for substances for me to feel in control.

Frozen and I dont mean the Disney kind

This is the follow up to my blog post on Friday, if anyone hasn’t read it who is reading this and would like to please click here

After being totally furious with my other half on Friday I decided to go the pub after work with a few work mates. What good for the goose is good for the gander after all. I stayed and had 4 drinks and then my female work friend had to go so I left too as there was only 2 lads left who were about 20 – 21 so I decided to go home as at the end of the day two wrongs don’t make a right. On my way home I called one of my best friends and she was going out with another couple of girls so I thought fuck it I am going out I haven’t had a girls night out for months now.

When I got in the other half was looking very sheepish and sat reading my PTSD info that was given to me off my therapist. ” Are we ordering a Papa Johns Babe?” said my other half “Nope I am off out with the Girls” – Sheepish turned to very sad indeed. Rule number one dont be a C*nt as I can be the biggest one going.

Off I went out with the girlies and I had such a good night also I was very pissed. I phoned the other half and said you better come and get me the police are shouting at me as I have took my shoes off and now I cant get them on and came and got me and I threw them at him apparently but in the midst of this drunkard state I also threw my phone so now thats a job for my insurance.

I said to him in the morning as he was still apologising for what happened on Thursday “its done now babe lets draw a  line under it and get on with everything” and I have forgiven him, I do believe him when he says he didn’t realise how it would look but I still feel like stone. My feelings just switch off like a button there still not back today. Heart as cold as ice.  Hope they come back soon as he is a decent fella and he doesn’t deserve to be frozen out. I have my first EMDR session today lets see what that brings.

 

 

 

You can F*** Right Off With Your B****rd Secrets

****WARNING THIS HAS LOTS OF SWEAR WORDS*****

I am F.U.M.I.N.G, exhausted and upset all at the same time

My so called supportive bf went out last night. I said to him please dont  be too late, I am not sleeping very well at the minute and had to do that bastard time line yesterday, I made a few comments which he chose to ignore and off he went ” Wont be late Babe, promise”

I went to bed at 9.30ish brain fog took its final toll and off I went to bed to meditate and try and sort my mind out I got to sleep no problem and woke up with my fur baby Sooty asleep near my head but no bf on the other side. Picked up my phone and text:

“Your a Fucking Nob Head is 2.30am”

3am nob head rolled in absolutely bladdered, usual stupid self couldnt roll a rolly if his life depended on it, starts with his crocodile tears, ” I love you so much baby, your my world baby” Hmmm get to bed now you know im not sleeping.

He went to sleep at 4.30am, me on the other hand on pins no sleep for this sleepless beauty.

His alarm starts going off at 7am. The nob head is snoring away. I gave him a few hard elbows. ” GET UP NO WAY ARE YOU HAVING A DAY OFF, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET WASTED ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!!” I have to lean over to turn his phone off and low and behold whats on his phone?? text messages of another female! Him asking her if she is going the pub. The red mist isnt settling its engulfing like one of those mad clouds cant think of the name of that now.

Just a friend he says, just a friend she phoned me the other day, not seen her for years – why has he not mentioned this before now – choosing to keep the truth to yourself is the same as lying in my eyes, I didnt tell you because my last girlfriend wouldn’t let me have girl mates – well maybe you was fucking sneaky which made her that way. If you want a different result you have to behave in a different way you absolute C*.NT

“ill support you baby, ill support you through this PTSD, ill read up about it I promise you” Yes well your triggering me left right and centre, how many times have I told you about lying to me I CANT STAND LYERS! you know this you complete fucker!!

Either step up or ship out mate as I cant deal with the person who is supposed to be supporting me through this being sneaky and deceitful , lulling me into a false sense of security and BAMB your a fucking C*NT too just like all the other lies and secrets that have been shoved down my throat. quite simply fuck right fucking off. I DONT CARE IF YOU INVITED A GIRL MATE FOR A DRINK WITH YOUR MATES YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING SCUMBAG.

Yet another day im working with tears steaming down my face such a professional office manager I am.

Great this PTSD fucking love it

 

Anger Issues

Riding The Waves

I have just read somewhere that we shouldn’t judge our emotions. Let emotions come and go it says.  Have a read below:

Living with PTSD

I agree with the majority of the points on there but its god damn hard. Monitoring my emotions and trusting my inner judgement on my emotions is one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to learn.  Take today for instance. I have been carrying so much anger since Sunday and its not shifting yet at all.  I want to scream and shout at my partner but its not his fault really why I am angry.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at the people who put me in danger who should of known better. I am angry that I having to learn this self acceptance the hard way. I am angry I am having to love and teach myself how to love myself. I am angry that I have to undo all these wrong believes that have been sown into me. So to merely start ” accept” your emotions I think its a bit rich really.

Anger is a new one to me on this healing journey. I haven’t really felt anger before in relation to the abuse I have suffered. Or maybe I have but not been able to recognise it where as now I am recognising it I am worried as to how I am to express this emotion. I dont want anyone to feel the wrath but its bubbling under the surface and people are getting on my last nerve. I  have been feeling like a raw ticking time bomb and I have been defensive over EVERYTHING.

I started this blog post this morning and my anger was still fizzing away but I have actually felt a lift this afternoon. I don’t know if its because we have changed the shit radio station at work to XFM or the fact they played a Viola Beach song ( R.I.P Boys <3)  and this has made me realise that life IS precious.

Looks like the post that had got my back up this morning does have some truth in it. Nothing stays the same even if it feels like it will at the time.  Just go to ride the waves I suppose.

P.S :

The photo on this blog is one I took on Bamburgh Beach in Northumberland a few weeks back. The waves were magnificent and the sea was so moody it was really something to watch and feel. I felt amazing on that beach, like the sea was washing out my soul.