Its a long, winding and bumpy road

I really cant concentrate today im far too hyper for work and Iv only just got back after 9 days off sick.

Iv had a bit of a breakdown truth be told I split with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago, this was all my doing I had been shutting down on him for ages so one of my many me’s came out to play “Tallulah” my friends and I have named my personas my best friend also has CPTSD and a bit of dark humor gets us through the day sometimes.

Tallulah wrecked havoc as she usually does drinking and bendering but when Tallulah goes up she must come down and this time she came down HARD suicidal hard. It got to wednesday and id already had 3 days off work and was still full of shame and self loathing I was panicking to the point of panic attacks. I called my mum ( something I never do with this type of stuff) told her I was loosing it again, then I phoned the NHS psycotherapy place where I had the EMDR they were really good with me and have now put me up to step 4 EMDR and im back on the waiting list and the docs have prescribed anti depressants which for the first time ever I am actually taking and havnt just put them in the bin

I should be happy iv cought Tallulah early, I am now recognising the signs im out of control and I have took appropriate measures to get me stable again but I still feel shamefull and disgusting and awkward. Awkward like im 13 again, yesterday was my first day back to work and I felt like my chest was going to burst and the horrible whirling sensation was there, I litterally felt like I was a young teenager desperate to fit it but I was scruffy and my clothes were scruffy and everyone was looking at me with utter disgust. Im 33 I shouldn’t still feel like this.

I still feel like I could vomit when I think about sex too the physical sensation and images are too much to bear sometimes and I have put weight on im over eating and I think somewhere inside me im doing it so noonw fancies me and Ill be left alone im pushin a size 14 at the min when im usually a 10 or a 12. My poor suffering boyfriend has been round to see my everyday since my little episode and its hurting it seein him so sad he was crying as I keep shuttin down and shutting him out and all he really does is love me unconditionally and I cant stand it some times its too much makes my skin crawl like I need to run away.

So 5 years in to this healing lark and still seems a long way to go ups and downs and roundabouts all the bloody time. Its a long and windy bumpy road it does my head in

A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

Blockages and Heavenly Help

I have been having an awful week after Mondays EMDR session, no amount of meditation, walks, self reiki has been able to shift this tight packed block of pain in my heart and stomach. Maybe its the full moon which is approaching and im getting ready to explode.

I meditated for 17 mins this morning, it was a cleanse clear and protect one with Arch Angel Micheal, I connected with ease but the blockages were still there. I walked to work through the shopping centre and met my friend at star bucks feeling deflated and flat. There was a song I had never heard before, I could only catch the lyrics which were ” your daddy knows you are….” my eyes filled up. I just knew the song was a sign for me.

When I got to work I decided to google the song to see if I could find the lyrics, I found it straight away:

I managed to hold back to tears I so desperately need to let out. Its not really the time and the place to have a melt down in front of all the staff.

The next thing that happened was my boss said ” whats this crystal all about called Fire Agate? ” I am an avid crystal collector, I have paid for an online course but have never started it. Its somethinh I intend to do after my holiday. Anyway, I had never heard of it so I looked up the meaning and its perfect for what I am going through at the moment so as soon as I get paid tomorrow I am going to see if its in my local crystal shop.

Usually these heaveningly signs would have me jumping for joy, dont get me wrong I am truely grateful for them and they have made me feel better but the tighly packed balls of pain n hurt are still there.

I love my Dad, I have good memories aswell as bad. I once read a book by Robert Schwartz called ” Your Souls Plan” and this is a very basic explanation but it says your soul decides before you incarnate to earth what you will go through for your souls expantion. Maybe we planned for this to happen for my souls expansion on Earth. Maybe he planned his death before he got here just at the right time when Id learnt enough about spiritualism so I could continue to heal myself here on Earth. Maybe his soul loves me even though his human self couldnt.

I need to let all this pain out somehow its bubbling away like a volcano and causing issues in my relationship, were going abroad for 10 days on sunday its definitely a make or break one. I really dont know which way its going to go at the moment.

Hopefully the sea will draw all this pain out I find being near the sea really soothing so being in it should be amazing.

Really hope I can heal soon, this broken heart of mine is so heavy.

Triggers and Angel Dreams and Messages

Last night I wake up at 4.03 I was in a deep sleep but I was woken up my hearing a female voice saying the word “Shem” I went to the loo in my half a asleep grogginess and was saying the word over and over in my head rather confused, I have never heard this word before I got back in bed and went to to sleep.

I then woke up from having not a very nice dream at all, I saw a ghost in the bathroom mirror of a young girl with long thing wavy brown hair, I turned round and she was gone and then the next minute I was having sex with someone who wasnt my partner and I didnt want it and I started crying and the next minute a women was running me a massive bubble bath and for some reason I had really long eye lashes. I woke up and I was convinced this dream was real and I was crying and shaking  I felt so guilty on my partner that I had slept with someone else even though I didnt want it, it took me good 10 mins to realise it wasnt really I woke my partner up and he cuddled me till the shaking had stopped.

I then remembered the early women’s voice who had said “Shem” I googled it and it came up that its a bible name and “Shem” was Noahs son. I then looked down and these was another link about what the word actually means, it has lots of variations but I liked this one best, it does go into quite a bit of detail but it means practically the opposite of “Shame”  If you would like to read further into the meaning of the word “Shem” the link is here http://beth-abraham.org/shem.html

I have no doubt that I was visited by an Angel last night to tell me this new word “Shem” I dont quite understand it all yet but the link above with all the information in is slowly making sense to me , I keep re reading it. If anyone is reading this blog please do comment and provide me with some more insight.

I also looked in my Doreen Virtue numbers 101 book and the 403 number has this message:

“God, the angels, and the ascended masters are all rallying around you, giving you extra love and support right now. Call upon them to help you with this current situation, and follow any guidance you receive, as it is an answer to your prayers”

Before all this had happened, I had had a trigger and became upset. My partner, who is not violent or nasty in the slightest,  he is the complete opposite actually, the has the biggest heart I have ever found in a person anyway, he kicked the cats ball and then he banged the fridge but for some reason it seemed like he was banging things in a threatening way and I became scared and I burst into tears and I said to him “I feel like your banging stuff about like your going to hit me” and he just loved me till I had stopped crying and we watched Lord of the Rings so I could get lost in the film to take my mind of it.

I have my EMDR treatment this afternoon at 2pm, I have plenty to tell my Therapist as I have not seen her for 2 weeks now.

Maybe God and the Angels are letting me know I don’t need to be ashamed anymore.  I feel really lucky to have received these messages last night, even if elements of the second dream wasn’t very pleasant I have looked up the other elements of the dream and have found they mean this:

Bath
To dream that you are taking a bath signifies a cleansing of your outer and inner self. You are washing away the difficult times. This dream may also be symbolic of ridding yourself of old ideas, notions, opinions, and other negativities. Your dream may be pointing toward forgiveness and letting go.
 

Eyelashes
To notice your eyelashes or dream that they are growing indicates that you are trying to express yourself in some subtle or covert way. It also signifies good luck.

Ghost
To see a ghost in your dream represents something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Try to figure out what the ghost wants or what it is looking for. The dream may also be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior. Dreaming that you are being stalked or haunted by a ghost indicates that you are refusing to confront issues from your past which is affecting your present life.

These dream meanings were found here: http://dreammoods.com/

I would really love if anyone reading this blog has any helpful insights on this experience.

Weddings, Panic Attacks and Others

I have been having a funny old time since my last EMDR session last Monday.

Tuesday I broke my heart over my Gran. My Gran was a lovely kind caring women and she had me all of the time when I was little from 3 weeks old. She used to tell everyone the first night she had me she stayed up all night watching me to make sure I was breathing ok. She died in 2015, just a month before my Dad she was 92 and died peacefully in her sleep. I personally think she chose to die at this time to help my dad pass over as he was terminally ill with lung cancer and brain tumors and wasnt dealing with it well at all.  My heart aches for her, when it happened it didnt really bother me she was very old and had a good life but something inside me broke last week and I have been heartbroke and missing her ever since.

I was attending my cousins wedding last Thursday it was just the night do but I was going with my partner and I was on high alert all day to make sure he didnt get too drunk as this side of the family are well to do compared to us black sheeps.  My aunty had paid for the room for us and my uncle had paid for the meal and I always feel a bit like the pauper so I made sure we bought a fair few rounds of drinks.

At the end of the night my aunty was saying goodbye and I put my arms around he to say bye and tell her I loved her and she said ” I love you too” but it felt like she pushed me away. Well that was it then my eyes filled up my heart started beating too fast and I started shaking. I had to go and stand outside and try and get myself together. It was awful my whole body and skin where prickling and shaking.  I didnt want anyone to see me like this, they dont know I have PTSD or what has happened to me either.

My partner came outside to make sure I was ok but he was neither use nor ornament as he always thinks its to do with him what has he done, blah blah. He is very insecure and has his own issues but I really didn’t need that at that time how  I kept myself together and then him I will never know.

We went back to the room and lets just say things didn’t get better from there. we ended up each curled up on our sides of the bed. I was fuming the next day.

So Friday came along and my uncle was still pissed, him and his wife had been out after the wedding and said come on lets go and get a breakfast and a pint.  I didn’t want to go at all at first but I went anyway and stupid me thought fuck this shit and I got on the vodka at 11am which then led to an all day drinking session and shoving all what I could up my nose for 24 hours. I have hated myself ever since, its only passing now I have been envisioning hanging myself and slitting my wrists since Sunday, I have been away since with my lovely Mum and we had s good day and night but as soon as I stop the horrible evil thoughts at how bad I am keep seeping in. I hope they pass soon I am saying affirmations and starting meditating again last night I need to drag myself out of this depression sharpish.

I wish to God I could stop these patterns I have, Every time I have an incident I turn to drink and drugs I want a way out, I get so far only to come crashing down.

Looking Back With Love

My feelings for my partner are coming back! Oh my goodness it is such a relief. Over the years I have had failed after failed relationships, the majority abusive but some not and they have been really nice and I have pushed them away or self sabotaged them without even realising what I was doing – it was always there fault too really hardly ever mine or so I thought.

As I had internalised all of the abuse that has happened to me in my childhood, looking back now I can see how and why I bounced from one bad relationship to another, I was constantly chasing a “love” I never had and when in any of the relationships I was in I felt like I didn’t receive this love or I was hurt again I went out and slept with other people, sometimes it was out of spite of of the other person, other times it was to hurt me more as I thought that is all I was worth and I could not stand people being nice to me so I ruined it for everyone involved.

Looking back I was a hurt little girl chasing and looking for love in all the wrong places.

Now I can look back at my teens and my 20’s and instead of being upset with my adult self I feel sorry for the younger me and can even send her some love now.

Its such a difficult journey, having to face your truth after years of blocking everything out but I am truly grateful that I did, noone wants to be running round in the same sad desperate circles and not even knowing why you are running round in them in the first place.

These days things are different for me much different, I do dip down low from time to time but looking back my highs and lows were really bad and very destructive, where as now I am coping with them a lot better and when I do get depressed or I have a PTSD episode I am managing it much better.

I think I appreciate the good days so much more and all that I have n my life now. I would not wish my past on anyone or having PTSD as when it takes hold its a monster but the good days means so much more and I try to savour them as much as I can. When I next have a down day or an episode I am going to re read my happy blogs and use this as another tool to remember just how happy I can be, no matter what my past was like

Gratitude List For Today 

1- I am grateful to have learned how to self love, this is vital in anyones life. Im not perfect but I am learning to love even the nasty parts of me slowly

2- I am grateful we have another glorious sunny day! – sunshine is the best medicine around in my eyes

3- I am grateful my feelings are coming back about my partner – hes not perfect either but maybe its our un- perfectness which makes us so perfect

4- I am grateful I have an amazing opportunity at work now, a change and a challenge is as good as rest!

5- I am grateful my best friends are round for pizza and wine tonight – there is noway in this world I would have got through my life without them

6- I am grateful this is my final big bill week – my destructive benders I had a few weeks back do not pay for themselves and leave me absolutely skint but its done now all paid off and all naughty peoples numbers deleted

7 – I am grateful for my beautiful fur baby sooty he is the most beautiful cat in the world

8 – I am grateful to be learning more about myself  everyday

9 – I am grateful for meditation, this lifts my mood so much

10- I am grateful for my lovely home, its such a joy to me.

 

 

 

Go Away Stone Cold Fish!

I am having a really productive Monday so far, I have smashed what work I had to do this morning, reprimanding an employee for being late and skiving too much and I’m feeling very officy and managerish which is a refreshing change really as I have been over doing the drinking and the partying the past few weeks, This seems to be a pattern of mine as when I had my counselling last time I was on it constant for nearly the full 9 weeks, I slowed down about week 8 when the first lot of counselling was beginning to work on me so this week its week 3 of EMDR which I will be blogging about later.

I should be really happy today, i’m in work fresh as a daisy and doing my job as I am supposed to do it and not just skimming over everything nursing a sore head and wishing I was back in bed but Im not.

I have not recovered from shutting down to my partner a few weeks back, I am trying to get out of it I really am but everything he is doing or saying is knocking me sick. I manage to get mysef up a bit and then I come crashing down and just want to lock myself away from him or run away. He hasn’t done anything “wrong” and before his one mistake or trigger I was fine we was fine but Iv clammed up and I cant see anywhere out at the moment. I feel like a big massive cold fish. A stone cold fish thats exactly how I feel.

Without going into too much detail my best friend also has PTSD and she says she does similar and it was happened with her and her daughter. She said she was terrified when it happened as you have no feelings at all but obviously the feelings came back to her so that has made me feel better in a weird way, not something I should be happy about really is it but if it can happen to daughters then I’m not the massive weirdo I feel at the moment.

I am still writing my gratitude list regardless of how numb I am feeling today:

1- I am grateful for my job, when I am on the ball I love it

2- I am grateful we are set to have sunshine this week

3- I am grateful to be going my friends for tea tomorrow, I think a good girlie eveing is exactly what I need

4- I am grateful that I have some commission in the balance this week and I have every faith this is going to come through

5 – I am grateful for my lovely hairdresser who has done a fabulous job on my hair on Saturday

6- I am grateful that my uncle had a good birthday party on Saturday and I am also grateful him and his wife have two gorgeous little dogs who bring them so much pleasure

7 – I am grateful as always for my amazing mum I couldnt have a better one

8 – I am grateful for my best friends who I love and cherish very much

9 – I am grateful for my partner who is standing by me even though I am being a massive cold fish

10 – I am grateful I am not bendering as much as I was last time when I started counselling – this might not sound like something I should be grateful for but I am as I can see the improvement of my lesser need for substances for me to feel in control.