Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

Weddings, Panic Attacks and Others

I have been having a funny old time since my last EMDR session last Monday.

Tuesday I broke my heart over my Gran. My Gran was a lovely kind caring women and she had me all of the time when I was little from 3 weeks old. She used to tell everyone the first night she had me she stayed up all night watching me to make sure I was breathing ok. She died in 2015, just a month before my Dad she was 92 and died peacefully in her sleep. I personally think she chose to die at this time to help my dad pass over as he was terminally ill with lung cancer and brain tumors and wasnt dealing with it well at all.  My heart aches for her, when it happened it didnt really bother me she was very old and had a good life but something inside me broke last week and I have been heartbroke and missing her ever since.

I was attending my cousins wedding last Thursday it was just the night do but I was going with my partner and I was on high alert all day to make sure he didnt get too drunk as this side of the family are well to do compared to us black sheeps.  My aunty had paid for the room for us and my uncle had paid for the meal and I always feel a bit like the pauper so I made sure we bought a fair few rounds of drinks.

At the end of the night my aunty was saying goodbye and I put my arms around he to say bye and tell her I loved her and she said ” I love you too” but it felt like she pushed me away. Well that was it then my eyes filled up my heart started beating too fast and I started shaking. I had to go and stand outside and try and get myself together. It was awful my whole body and skin where prickling and shaking.  I didnt want anyone to see me like this, they dont know I have PTSD or what has happened to me either.

My partner came outside to make sure I was ok but he was neither use nor ornament as he always thinks its to do with him what has he done, blah blah. He is very insecure and has his own issues but I really didn’t need that at that time how  I kept myself together and then him I will never know.

We went back to the room and lets just say things didn’t get better from there. we ended up each curled up on our sides of the bed. I was fuming the next day.

So Friday came along and my uncle was still pissed, him and his wife had been out after the wedding and said come on lets go and get a breakfast and a pint.  I didn’t want to go at all at first but I went anyway and stupid me thought fuck this shit and I got on the vodka at 11am which then led to an all day drinking session and shoving all what I could up my nose for 24 hours. I have hated myself ever since, its only passing now I have been envisioning hanging myself and slitting my wrists since Sunday, I have been away since with my lovely Mum and we had s good day and night but as soon as I stop the horrible evil thoughts at how bad I am keep seeping in. I hope they pass soon I am saying affirmations and starting meditating again last night I need to drag myself out of this depression sharpish.

I wish to God I could stop these patterns I have, Every time I have an incident I turn to drink and drugs I want a way out, I get so far only to come crashing down.