Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

4th EMDR Session – Seem to be at a Standstill **Warning This May Trigger**

I had lot to tell my therapist this week due to the triggers at the wedding and on Sunday which I have blogged about previously, she said things will get worse before they get better which is something I already knew from my last set of counseling with RASAC and to be honest I know I have these dips and dives but I can see a massive improvement in my self since I had that set of counseling, the lows are not as low which I think is a big positive in the grand scheme of things.

We started on a memory that I had previously worked on but she was concerned because I had mentioned something about it.  The memory is of me being about 5 years old being on top of the fucking bastards knee and him bouncing me up and down. The thought of that position in my sex life makes me what to be sick, even now I can feel my insides curling up thinking about it so it doesnt look like yesterdays session has worked after all 😦

So we started on this and to be honest I just feel so fuckng angry.  As I am writing this post the anger is coursing through my veins. HOW FUCKING DARE ANYONE MAKE ME LIKE THIS??

The memory get going back and forth back and forth and kept getting stuck. I kept getting blanks and feeling like there were great big bricks in my heart. This went on for the full session, I shed a few tears but nothing like last week. The memories where all over the place and then they kept flicking to the sexual assault that happened when I was 12, again this was also blocked and I kept not being able to speak. My tongue just freezes up and I do not want to go there, my body is screaming NO YOU WILL NOT DO IT NO NO NO NO! and then I get a blank and its gone.

At the end I asked how do you think I am doing and my therapist said she thinks I am doing well, she said its only been a few sessions.

I would very much like to wave a magic wand and it all be gone but I suppose everyone feels like that.  I do feel frustrated with it all this week.



3rd EMDR Session – Just Plain Horrible

I have just got back from my 3rd EMDR session and I feel absolutely awful 😦 I am gutted because I have been in such a good mood all day and I feel exhausted and very sad I had planned to come home and deep clean the house but I just want to get in bed now.

I am surprised at this weeks session as last week we focused on what had happened with my nans second husband and we left it just touching on a memory I had about my mum when I was 5 and  had totally forgot we had even gone there last week so we started with this.

The memory was off my dad punching my mum in the face, her head bounced of the fire place at my auntys and there was blood everywhere, I went to the front door and tried to scream for help but no words would come out. I went back in to her as my Dad was walking out and she was on the floor sobbing but then he shouted ” Come on were going! ” so I left her. I was only 5 at the time and I was scared and I went with my Dad. I had’nt seen him for months at this point, well I think I think it was months.

I just couldn’t get past the sadness and the guilt at all over and over went over this, the pain is still so raw. My poor Mummy.  When you are having the EMDR you have to focus on the memory then my Councillor is touching my thumbs back and forth and then you have to take a deep breath and see what comes up. Pain, Hurt, Guilt, Despair, Abandonment. For me they are physical emotions I feel these pains in my stomach, heart and arms it absolutely horrific.

Then my Gran came into focus, oh my my Gran loved me the love from her was so pure and this made me cry even harder I miss her so much. She passed away a month before my Dad did. Then I started feeling guilt over her and all what she did for me and I just kept wanting to say I am sorry I am sorry over and over.

The next thing that happened was very strange, I said I feel like everyone is laughing at me and making fun of me, I feel ashamed and I started to get really really panicky my felt like my chest was restricted and I couldnt speak properly I said I am getting bullied. I wasnt bullied at school but I did feel bullied by my dad and ridiculed so maybe this was relating to this I am unsure as I was only getting feelings and no pictures with the emotions and memories. At one point I went to the cupboard under the stairs where I used to hide and play with my toys. I had forgotten all about that cupboard.

At the end of the session my therapist asked me how do I feel about the memory now. I said I could brake my heart over it, over my poor Mum and leaving her like that. She said well in that case the memory has’nt processed. I dont know how I am ever going to process that if I am honest. My eyes are filling up just writing this post.

She then said what is very clear is how much I wanted my Dads love even though I never got it and she said that is perfectly normal, I broke down again. He is dead now so that will never happen anyway not like it ever would happen.

She said the reaction that came out when I said I was being bullied is typical of PTSD symptoms, the sheer panic and the not being able to talk.

I need to find to a way to accept this all of this I just dont know how. I really really want to my mind says I can do this but my heart is saying no you can not it hurts too much the pain is to great.