I have just got back from my 3rd EMDR session and I feel absolutely awful 😦 I am gutted because I have been in such a good mood all day and I feel exhausted and very sad I had planned to come home and deep clean the house but I just want to get in bed now.
I am surprised at this weeks session as last week we focused on what had happened with my nans second husband and we left it just touching on a memory I had about my mum when I was 5 and had totally forgot we had even gone there last week so we started with this.
The memory was off my dad punching my mum in the face, her head bounced of the fire place at my auntys and there was blood everywhere, I went to the front door and tried to scream for help but no words would come out. I went back in to her as my Dad was walking out and she was on the floor sobbing but then he shouted ” Come on were going! ” so I left her. I was only 5 at the time and I was scared and I went with my Dad. I had’nt seen him for months at this point, well I think I think it was months.
I just couldn’t get past the sadness and the guilt at all over and over went over this, the pain is still so raw. My poor Mummy. When you are having the EMDR you have to focus on the memory then my Councillor is touching my thumbs back and forth and then you have to take a deep breath and see what comes up. Pain, Hurt, Guilt, Despair, Abandonment. For me they are physical emotions I feel these pains in my stomach, heart and arms it absolutely horrific.
Then my Gran came into focus, oh my my Gran loved me the love from her was so pure and this made me cry even harder I miss her so much. She passed away a month before my Dad did. Then I started feeling guilt over her and all what she did for me and I just kept wanting to say I am sorry I am sorry over and over.
The next thing that happened was very strange, I said I feel like everyone is laughing at me and making fun of me, I feel ashamed and I started to get really really panicky my felt like my chest was restricted and I couldnt speak properly I said I am getting bullied. I wasnt bullied at school but I did feel bullied by my dad and ridiculed so maybe this was relating to this I am unsure as I was only getting feelings and no pictures with the emotions and memories. At one point I went to the cupboard under the stairs where I used to hide and play with my toys. I had forgotten all about that cupboard.
At the end of the session my therapist asked me how do I feel about the memory now. I said I could brake my heart over it, over my poor Mum and leaving her like that. She said well in that case the memory has’nt processed. I dont know how I am ever going to process that if I am honest. My eyes are filling up just writing this post.
She then said what is very clear is how much I wanted my Dads love even though I never got it and she said that is perfectly normal, I broke down again. He is dead now so that will never happen anyway not like it ever would happen.
She said the reaction that came out when I said I was being bullied is typical of PTSD symptoms, the sheer panic and the not being able to talk.
I need to find to a way to accept this all of this I just dont know how. I really really want to my mind says I can do this but my heart is saying no you can not it hurts too much the pain is to great.