How many different Me’s can there be

First day back to work went ok, I was very cagey and felt like my chest was going to burst open spilling all my disgusting filth everywhere, filled up with tears a few times but nobody knew. I have learnt to be a master of disguise over the years when I have to be. I can answer the phone at work and be so happy and cheerful you would never guess iv beat myself up to near death for the past four days. Someone said to me once “I love ringing your office your always so happy and cheerfull” to which I replied ” Well a voice can tell a 1000 lies” they thought I was joking but I genuinely wasnt I was having a terrible time of it.

Sometimes I feel like Im 10 different personalities all in one body theres wreckhead me, sugery sweet me, spiritual me, hard faced me and the one I hate the most is filthy disgusting me and how I try to control this one and push it down and then all of a sudden im triggered and bang there she is dripping words of poison over and over again but shes subsiding again at the moment.

I know im in a viscious circle and have been for longer than I can imagine however spiritual work, healing and therapy have all taught me that whenever the beast rears its ugly head it means something is trying to get out something is trying  to heal so iv been analysed all day and I cant decided if its because I have a cellular beleive I need to be punished and dont deserve so I punish myself as soon as the going gets good, if its because Im weak and took my fella back when I didnt really want him so Iv stopped listening to my heart and thats why the sudden dip or whether its because I obviously still dont love and accept myself and what to hurt me or maybe a mixture of everything.

Deep mind boggling thoughts.

I will be meditating tonight on releasing negativity and asking for arch angel Michael’s help. Im also going to write a thank you list that usually makes me feek better.

Even as im writing this there is a little demon in me niggling making me feel filthy. Wish I had some more EMDR therapy  sessions left something is desperate to come out but its stuck fast at the moment

How are you supposed to let go of “The Past” when its everywhere?

Ugh. I have been triggered massively this weekend. Just when I think im getting somewhere and the people and the past experiences are just a memory never to be forgotten but soundly asleep at the back of my mind someone makes them spring back to life like a very disturbing jack in a box.

If you have followed my blog you will know I have struggled with drug problem in my past, bender after bender walking round like a skeleton before I had the hospital incident which forced me to admit I had suffered a life time of abuse from multiple people. Since those dark days in 2012 I have it more or less under control, Im not perfect I slip up and take cocaine some times but its getting further and further in between and I use Reiki and meditation and my spirituality has helped me massively and always will do, I am a firm beleiver in this.

But this weekend I went out for a drink with a very good friend, and as is typical in my small town we bumped into another good friend who happens to have a new boyfriend. So I waved excitedly to the second friend come and sit with us introduce us to your new boyfriend…….worse mistake I could of made. New boyfriend is someone who knows my dad and knows the mess I was in before my breakdown, hes a “gangster” who is in charge of the   “Drug Ring” and in the thick of the people I have now cut out of my life including the evil step family.

He said to me I already know you, I squashed a debt of £350 for you because I liked your Dad ” He was a very Good Man” I said I am sorry but I have no idea what your talking about. The thing is I was in such a mess back them this could be true but it might not be I wouldn’t of known, hours turned into days into months into years back then due to the amount of cocaine and amphetamine I was taking. I didn’t know my own name sometimes.

The horror of this has hit me and even though its Monday I cant stop thinking about it its buzzing in my brain the memories, the reasons why I was so bad, the feeling of filth and that I am filth, that I am nothing but a filthy worthless person who doesn’t give two fuck about herself.

“Your Dad Was A Good Man…….” to you yes to me hes a whole mess of love and hate and shame the shame of your Dad not loving you properly is harrowing.

Part of me wants the whole world to know how I have suffered and to maybe know why I behaved like until I was 28 years old but my Dad is DEAD its his 2 year anniversary on the 23rd of this month so if I come clean now I dont think anyone would believe me anyway so whats the point. Instead I am cursed with this bastard CPTSD the struggle to keep the beast at bay, the reminders of the past, the hurt the deep longing to be loved like a proper daughter should of been and the embarrassment of people like my friends new boyfreind reminding me of the state I was in.

No matter how hard I work or how hard I try to improve me be a better person, be more understanding and accepting the past will always be there it can not be changed and that is a fact.

The hardest critic on me if truth be told is me – what do I care what that gangster did or what people think but I do care and its not fair that they dont know the truth behind the fucked up girl I was.


Blockages and Heavenly Help

I have been having an awful week after Mondays EMDR session, no amount of meditation, walks, self reiki has been able to shift this tight packed block of pain in my heart and stomach. Maybe its the full moon which is approaching and im getting ready to explode.

I meditated for 17 mins this morning, it was a cleanse clear and protect one with Arch Angel Micheal, I connected with ease but the blockages were still there. I walked to work through the shopping centre and met my friend at star bucks feeling deflated and flat. There was a song I had never heard before, I could only catch the lyrics which were ” your daddy knows you are….” my eyes filled up. I just knew the song was a sign for me.

When I got to work I decided to google the song to see if I could find the lyrics, I found it straight away:

I managed to hold back to tears I so desperately need to let out. Its not really the time and the place to have a melt down in front of all the staff.

The next thing that happened was my boss said ” whats this crystal all about called Fire Agate? ” I am an avid crystal collector, I have paid for an online course but have never started it. Its somethinh I intend to do after my holiday. Anyway, I had never heard of it so I looked up the meaning and its perfect for what I am going through at the moment so as soon as I get paid tomorrow I am going to see if its in my local crystal shop.

Usually these heaveningly signs would have me jumping for joy, dont get me wrong I am truely grateful for them and they have made me feel better but the tighly packed balls of pain n hurt are still there.

I love my Dad, I have good memories aswell as bad. I once read a book by Robert Schwartz called ” Your Souls Plan” and this is a very basic explanation but it says your soul decides before you incarnate to earth what you will go through for your souls expantion. Maybe we planned for this to happen for my souls expansion on Earth. Maybe he planned his death before he got here just at the right time when Id learnt enough about spiritualism so I could continue to heal myself here on Earth. Maybe his soul loves me even though his human self couldnt.

I need to let all this pain out somehow its bubbling away like a volcano and causing issues in my relationship, were going abroad for 10 days on sunday its definitely a make or break one. I really dont know which way its going to go at the moment.

Hopefully the sea will draw all this pain out I find being near the sea really soothing so being in it should be amazing.

Really hope I can heal soon, this broken heart of mine is so heavy.

New Reiki Client!

I have been wanted to post about this since the weekend really but I had to get all the other stuff out of my head yesterday.

I dont know if I have blogged about this before or not my memory isnt the best but I am  Reiki Level 2 healer and I have turned my spare room into a therapy room, I have my own website, facebook page and other marketing tools ( my day time job is General Manager for a website and seo company so I put the company perks to good use! )

Anyway, I hadn’t done anything on this for a while so I was shocked but happy to get a phone call out of the blue for someone wanting Reiki. I booked them in for Sunday and had a quiet healthy weekend, did some chakra cleansing meditations and prepared myself and my Reiki room for my client. I lit candles and smudged the room and said a prayer to bless it and invited all the angels in to help the energy flow through me to heal the client.

The client arrived and they were very impressed with my room, I had all my Angel cards laid out on the table with 2 matching Angel figurines and the Reiki music was playing away softly.

I asked them to lie on the table and relax and started the treatment. The energy was so strong! I started to get really hot and could feel the soothing energy flowing through me, colors of purple and gold and green floated in and around my mind, I always make the Reiki symbols and ask for my Reiki guides to assist me throughout the process. I have not felt the energy that strong before the client must of really been in need of this.

When I had finished my client woke up and told me that they felt like a weight had been lifted and that they were struggling for absorbing everyone else’s negative energy, I said I had picked up a lot of anxiety in the chest and throat area when I was doing the treatment and she agreed that was where she felt it the most. She tried to pay me £30.00, I wouldn’t take it as my cost is only £25.00 I just asked her to leave me a review on my page and this is what she said:

reiki review

I was so pleased! I love helping people especially with Reiki, I truly believe its the best healing you can have in the world and this has just made me want to get back on my path all the more, I finished my lovely Sunday off with a visit to the divine circle at my local Spiritualist Church, even writing this blog now is making my heart swell with joy! I would recommend Reiki to anyone!



I Will Drag Myself Out Of This!

After last nights post I went home and I wanted to do some some meditation whilst my partner was out so I chose an Angel one, it was Archangel Raphael and a healing meditation, it took me ages to get into it and I finally started seeing colors and then I started twitching because I was cold so I just got the duvet and rolled my self up with it and had a snooze.

My partner came home, he has been at my friends fixing her door and found me flat out, he woke me up and we went and had tea, I felt exhausted. One thing I have noticed since my PTSD episode last week is that I am sleeping for England at the moment, We had a nice tea and watched my favourite series at the moment, Versaille its called about King Louis the 14th of France, its brilliant I recommend it to anyone who likes history dramas.

We went to bed and I tried to meditate again but I do struggle when I am in bed with my partner, its not his fault he is just going to sleep but he wriggles and makes little noises and I cant let go properly if I have distraction, especially at the moment as I am out of practice so I just lay there listing to the soothing voice and noises, it really does help I took my ear phones out and went to sleep.

This morning I managed a quick 10 mins before work, a positive morning one and then I got my Angel book out, its Doreen Virtues 365 day Angel book I ask the Angels for a message and thank them for there support and I opened the the page up and guess what it said? ” Lighten Up” I did have a little laugh at this. I have been very down recently and very serious and the message was telling me to have fun and be carefree. All very easy for them to say but one thing for sure is no matter how deep into depression I go I will always claw my way back and that is exactly what I am doing now.

Another thing I have started doing this week is affirmations. I am going on holiday in about 7 weeks and I am feeling a bit overweight and I have been saying in the mirror over and over whilst I am getting ready:

” I am healthy and thin and I always win!”

I took it from a Diana Cooper book, I cant remember which one it was but I think she is fabulous she is the first spiritual teacher I got interested in I have most of her books,

And I have two crystals in my bra I have a tigers eye for protection and a blue howlite for healing.

im sure with all this spiritual work I am doing I will lighten up sooner rather than later, I can feel it working already 🙂




Things to help with PTSD

Got to Meditate to Appreciate!

I meditated for 30 mins last night, I did a cord cutting meditation with Archangel Micheal which can be found here I love Ross Place the lady who does the meditations she has a very soothing down to earth voice.  Cord Cutting is cutting energetic cords between you and another person. If you have had an argument with someone and you become angry or the other person did the thoughts about it can create energy cords between you and the person and this can cause you both distress. I chose to do this one with me and my partner due to what happened last Friday and I still havn’t got out of shutting down properly yet although it is shifting slowly.  Meditation helps me loads when I am doing it on a regular basis.

My meditation was brilliant, I love seeing the purple and gold colors swimming about and the energy coming over me like a big snuggely blanket, I could of stayed there for hours but unfortunately  it was my turn to make tea so I had to finish and get back to the land of the living.

I managed to get up a little bit earlier this morning and do a 10 min protection one, I have only been doing this one a little while but I really like it,  its long enough to feel the love coming through short enough to do before work, it can be found here

I am feeling the benefits already I cant wait till this time next week as I know I will be fully back to “normal” for a little while at least. I just hate how my feelings switch off its not fair on me or my partner. Until I started learning about PTSD I had no idea that this is what I have been doing in all previous relationships, just switching and boom I was out the door. Still, at least now I know what I am dealing with so I can take different steps to get round it. If you want different results you have to make different choices after all!

Gratitude List for Today

1 – I am grateful the sun has been shining all morning!! Hello Mr Sunshine!!

2 – I am grateful  one of my best friends operation has been postponed whilst they check her heart more, she has been dead worried about this

3- I am grateful to be going on a works do tonight and they have crayfish on the menu!

4- I am grateful to feel the angelic presence when I meditate

5- I am grateful to have such a fun working environment]

6- I am grateful my lovely cats eye is getting better and its more manageable

7- I am grateful to be going to see my uncle in Chester this weekend for his 60th Birthday

8- I am grateful to have wonderful caring neighbours and we help each other out lots

9- I am grateful to have given a younger friend advice when she needed it yesterday

10- I am grateful for me, for all I have been through and go through I still bounce back



First EMDR Session – Pleasantly Surprised!

I had my first EMDR session yesterday, I am very pleased to report I found it very relaxing, the first sessions was to find my “Safe Place” I told my therapist I don’t have a safe place as such so she tried a different approach. She had noticed that I have a tattoo on my wrist which is of Angel wings and the word “Faith” wrote underneath it so I explained I believe in Angels and try to do lots of Angelic Meditations so I decided that my safe place would be on a beach in Northumberland which Archangel Micheal on the beach with me. Obviously this is my safe place you don’t have to have an Angel or a beach just something you can visualise.

She asked me to pick 2 incidents that have upset me but on a low scale of distress I did this and then the EMDR started. The best way I can describe it is that you are in meditation and there is someone there talking you through your feelings and asking what you are feeling about it, this allows the negative feelings to come up whilst you are in the safe place. She then touched my hands back and forth back and forth as this helps the memory arise. Once this happens you then visualise your guardian who is with you in your safe place and then the memory sort of bubbles out of your head. A very pleasant relaxing experience and not scary at all!

Next week we are going to do more intrusive memories. I thought I would be frightened but I am not. I felt a deep peace whilst it was being performed.

My therapist is a lovely lady and have a lovely soothing voice, I have great hopes that is going to work wonders 🙂