Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

The Next Steps

Firstly I would like to apologise for not blogging for 2 months, my laptop broke and Im blogging this through my phone which is a lot more fiddily than a laptop.

I have been discharged from having EMDR my therapist was happy with my progress as am I, I dont think its the end of it but it is the end for now. We cleared a lot up with my sessions I started to feel better and am managing triggers better but my brain shut down and seemed to stop working over the last 2 sessions. Maybe its all my brain can handle for the time being or maybe I can continue the healing myself I am not too sure yet. 

I am still shutting down and my sex drive is very very low but i am managing it bettee, im in the middle to the end of a shut down week I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel today but then it went dark again. I am just sitting it out. I cant even work out whats set me off again or maybe its the fact the therapy has ended. I am just keeping the faith it will pass soon and Iv had worst ones so Im clinging to that.

So am I better? maybe there is no cure just managing skills? hmmmm lots of questions still isnt there 😦