Its a long, winding and bumpy road

I really cant concentrate today im far too hyper for work and Iv only just got back after 9 days off sick.

Iv had a bit of a breakdown truth be told I split with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago, this was all my doing I had been shutting down on him for ages so one of my many me’s came out to play “Tallulah” my friends and I have named my personas my best friend also has CPTSD and a bit of dark humor gets us through the day sometimes.

Tallulah wrecked havoc as she usually does drinking and bendering but when Tallulah goes up she must come down and this time she came down HARD suicidal hard. It got to wednesday and id already had 3 days off work and was still full of shame and self loathing I was panicking to the point of panic attacks. I called my mum ( something I never do with this type of stuff) told her I was loosing it again, then I phoned the NHS psycotherapy place where I had the EMDR they were really good with me and have now put me up to step 4 EMDR and im back on the waiting list and the docs have prescribed anti depressants which for the first time ever I am actually taking and havnt just put them in the bin

I should be happy iv cought Tallulah early, I am now recognising the signs im out of control and I have took appropriate measures to get me stable again but I still feel shamefull and disgusting and awkward. Awkward like im 13 again, yesterday was my first day back to work and I felt like my chest was going to burst and the horrible whirling sensation was there, I litterally felt like I was a young teenager desperate to fit it but I was scruffy and my clothes were scruffy and everyone was looking at me with utter disgust. Im 33 I shouldn’t still feel like this.

I still feel like I could vomit when I think about sex too the physical sensation and images are too much to bear sometimes and I have put weight on im over eating and I think somewhere inside me im doing it so noonw fancies me and Ill be left alone im pushin a size 14 at the min when im usually a 10 or a 12. My poor suffering boyfriend has been round to see my everyday since my little episode and its hurting it seein him so sad he was crying as I keep shuttin down and shutting him out and all he really does is love me unconditionally and I cant stand it some times its too much makes my skin crawl like I need to run away.

So 5 years in to this healing lark and still seems a long way to go ups and downs and roundabouts all the bloody time. Its a long and windy bumpy road it does my head in

The Next Steps

Firstly I would like to apologise for not blogging for 2 months, my laptop broke and Im blogging this through my phone which is a lot more fiddily than a laptop.

I have been discharged from having EMDR my therapist was happy with my progress as am I, I dont think its the end of it but it is the end for now. We cleared a lot up with my sessions I started to feel better and am managing triggers better but my brain shut down and seemed to stop working over the last 2 sessions. Maybe its all my brain can handle for the time being or maybe I can continue the healing myself I am not too sure yet. 

I am still shutting down and my sex drive is very very low but i am managing it bettee, im in the middle to the end of a shut down week I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel today but then it went dark again. I am just sitting it out. I cant even work out whats set me off again or maybe its the fact the therapy has ended. I am just keeping the faith it will pass soon and Iv had worst ones so Im clinging to that.

So am I better? maybe there is no cure just managing skills? hmmmm lots of questions still isnt there 😦 

EMDR Session 7 – my skin is crawling

###this may trigger####

Im still realing from todays today so im just going to write and write to get this out of my head.

I told my therapist I know I need to forgive my Dad and that when my partner sends me sexy texts or says anything suggestive it make my skin crawl and I panic like im waiting to have to do some sexual act, she was already aware of this but she thought this was to do with when I was 5 or 6 but after thinking a lot this week and trying to match reactions to memories I think this is also to do with my Dad.

I explained how he was taunted me since being about 9 onwards ( I was an early developer) about my breasts and things and basically sexualised me from as young as I can remember, commenting on my weight, asking who im shagging on the park ( I was 12/13 and very naughty but its no wonder really, a child behaves how they are told they are so iv your belitteled shamed and told your a slut from an early age you think that is how you are and how you should be)

Most of his friends and my step family who I am no longer in contact with used to laugh along or laugh it off and I did too.I pretended I was fine when really every remarking was leaving a very deep scar which at the time I didnt realise was happening.

We started focusing on this memory and It went back and forth back and forth. I started to disassociate. It was like deep inside me there was someome screamimg bit it was so far away it wasnt really part of me.

We stopped and she said that is peadofillic you do know that. That shook me to the core. There it was out on the table something I had denied and not beleived for so many years. She then said what do you want to say to your Dad I said I dont know I was squirming at this point and I decided to say to him your disgusting. We started again and I just looked at her and said I cant do it. The thought of betraying my father like like just made me switch off.

How ironic is that? I cant even say your disgusting in my mind to my dead father after all the years of abuse he put me through. It still doesnt feel real. Its like its happened to someone else when its not its all happened to me.

She then went on to say place my hand on my heart that will comfort you as there are nerve endings connected to the brain from the heart. This helped quite a bit actually and my managed to process a few things.

But now I am left with the fact that my father was a peadofile.

Which opens up a whole other can of nasty evillness. My father was a peadofile so does that mean im tainted too? How can I still love and want to protect him now? I feel pysically sick thinking about all of this. Iv basically been abused mentally, physically and sexually right up untill he died which was only 2 years ago. How can I of accepted his behaviour as normal?

So not only the the other 2 disgusting fucks my own father is on the very long list of abusers who arnt even connected how fucked up is that?

A hundred thousand worms crawling in and one my skin right now. This blogging hasnt helped its made it worse.

My Spiritual Development

I have decided to make a category on my blog about my personal spiritual development as I have started going back to the psychic and spiritual development classes as whilst the first reason to write this blog was to blog my experiences and journey with living with PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse as a form of therapy for myself and a hope to maybe help others going through this, becoming more spiritual is one of the biggest things that has made my life beautiful, even whilst dealing with PTSD and the downs that this causes.

I went back to the psychic and development class last night, I have been going to that class on and off for 12 months now and its full of lovely like minded people and the people who run it have been mediums for years and perform on the rostrum at Spiritualist Church’s across the country.

It was packed last night, well over 30 people in the room they had to split us into two groups! its a good job they had a spare room to use really as the people who run it wasnt expecting that many, its brilliant it just show how much spiritualism is growing.

We did some exercises and Spirit came through and I received 3 messages from different people, I was surprised as someone came through who I used to know when I was a little girl, surprised but pleased.

When it was my turn to give some messages I kept getting two people through at once and was struggling to work out which one was which, for me this is good as it something else to work on and aim for at the next class.

I am going to go the Spiritual Open Circle on Thursday and keep practicing there too.

I love everything about this class and the people in it, makes me feel full of love every time I go!

Happy Work is Half The Work!

Oooh I am happy today!

My company have merged with another company and although I have been happy in the 3 years at my existing one, life at work had become pretty mundane and nobody gave a shit really, coming in in trainers, office potty mouth banter at an all time high ( or low really when you think about it) and I had become complacent and it was a chore going to work, I used to drag myself up 30 mins before I was due in and not care about what I looked like. Considering I am General Manager this is not good at all as basic managerial know how is that you need to set the example. I am not going to beat myself up too much about this though as the M.D of our company was the same and he didn’t really give  a shit either, if truth be told.

I have been setting up the new database in the new office today, I have lots to do now and I am getting treated like my role title suggests I should do from the other 2 M.DS which must mean my existing one has to follow suit. I have been given a larger desk and I am sat with them and my  existing role is changing, I was doing everything in the old company but now as we have merged I get to do what I love again – managing and organising and creating procedures and putting them into place! This is a happy day indeed, I now feel like I have more prospects and more opportunities to better myself not only in knowledge as the other company is a different but similar sector to my existing one but also in pay too and that is always nice!

I didn’t realise just how unhappy in my role I was until the merge happened, isn’t it funny the things you put up with that don’t make you happy without even subconsciously knowing you are unhappy with them. Being happy in your work is half the battle too really as you spend  about 50% of your time there.

Gratitude List For Today

1- I am grateful for all new abundance coming my way!

2 – I am grateful for all the much needed changes at work

3- I am grateful for the £50.00 commission I have earned this week

4- I am grateful to have such wonderful friends and our BBQ that we had last night

5- I am grateful to be able to pass my knowledge onto other people

6- I am grateful for all this lovely sunshine and I am hoping it lasts till the weekend

7- I am grateful for my lovely mum as always

8- I am grateful for my lovely home and all I have in it

9 I am grateful for my lovely partner and all that he does for me

10- I am grateful to be able to blog and write and get my feelings out as this makes me feel much lighter

Anger Issues

Riding The Waves

I have just read somewhere that we shouldn’t judge our emotions. Let emotions come and go it says.  Have a read below:

Living with PTSD

I agree with the majority of the points on there but its god damn hard. Monitoring my emotions and trusting my inner judgement on my emotions is one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to learn.  Take today for instance. I have been carrying so much anger since Sunday and its not shifting yet at all.  I want to scream and shout at my partner but its not his fault really why I am angry.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at the people who put me in danger who should of known better. I am angry that I having to learn this self acceptance the hard way. I am angry I am having to love and teach myself how to love myself. I am angry that I have to undo all these wrong believes that have been sown into me. So to merely start ” accept” your emotions I think its a bit rich really.

Anger is a new one to me on this healing journey. I haven’t really felt anger before in relation to the abuse I have suffered. Or maybe I have but not been able to recognise it where as now I am recognising it I am worried as to how I am to express this emotion. I dont want anyone to feel the wrath but its bubbling under the surface and people are getting on my last nerve. I  have been feeling like a raw ticking time bomb and I have been defensive over EVERYTHING.

I started this blog post this morning and my anger was still fizzing away but I have actually felt a lift this afternoon. I don’t know if its because we have changed the shit radio station at work to XFM or the fact they played a Viola Beach song ( R.I.P Boys <3)  and this has made me realise that life IS precious.

Looks like the post that had got my back up this morning does have some truth in it. Nothing stays the same even if it feels like it will at the time.  Just go to ride the waves I suppose.

P.S :

The photo on this blog is one I took on Bamburgh Beach in Northumberland a few weeks back. The waves were magnificent and the sea was so moody it was really something to watch and feel. I felt amazing on that beach, like the sea was washing out my soul.

 

Hello….Welcome to my blog on the PTSD beast.

Well this is my first blog post….. I thought I would be easier than this. I have been having a bit of rough time dealing with this thing called PTSD ( or as I like to call it THE BEAST) over the past few days but I am coming out of it now. Joking aside, I wouldnt wish living with this on my worse enemy. Its constant. Even on Good Days it still lurks in the background like a bad fucking smell.

So at the moment I am coming out of it, meaning dragging myself mentally round from a wave of self destruction and self pity and niggling thoughts and questions about myself and how filthy and disgusting and shameful I must be BUT iv dragged myself round again. Another mini victory from the beast I suppose.

I have been getting  better at dealing with things recently – its hard as I have to monitor my thoughts and reactions and have to decide whats a reasonable reaction to whats a reaction to a memory of the past. I went on holiday a few weeks back and left my partner at home, only for 3 days and without boring anyone who may be reading this with the details I lost it because I convinced myself he was lieing to me and I mean lost it that was it it was over he was moving out how fucking dare he LIE to me. He wasnt lying…. something he did triggered the beast and I lost it. Within the moment I was heartbroke and to me it really was it “The End” but luckily for me I have a very understanding boyfriend he just let me rage it out. When iv come round the guilt and sorrow I feel for behaving this way towards him kills me I hate myself and then I spend two days crying and apologising for my behavior. He also deals with all of this.

See the beast doesn’t affect just me it ripples and spreads like an evil virus throughout and affects my nearest and dearests which I cant stand at all.

Watching my thoughts and reactions and feelings is so tiring!! Some times I am chuffed to bits that somethings come, Iv dealt with it and let it go and its a celebration. Other times they come out of the blue like the one I have just spoke about and they catch me off guard.

I hate this rollercoster I am on. I want to be “Normal” but I dont know what normal is. Well I do a bit now but its not always been this way. I have been re learning myself  for 4 years now and learning who I am and what I want but this “BEAST” is an absolute fucker.

Keeping as healthy as possible helps me, drinking water, green tea, having an elecy fag, meditating, The drug infused benders that are triggered from feeling hurt are slowly but surely subsiding I will be glad when they stop all together and I do have faith in this.

This blog I have decided to create was because of inspiration of another lady who I met through an online forum for survivors of child abuse, If anyone is reading it I hope some of what I say resonates with you and helps you through this complete mind field of shite we have found ourselves in.