Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

Rock Bottom

Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too. 

Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….

WRONG.

I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.

I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money  £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.

I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.

Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.

To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?

My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.

I need to peice myself back together and quick.

EMDR Session 6 -” Its definitely CPTSD”

*** THIS MAY TRIGGER****

WOW. What a wank day.

I had my EMDR session today, I haven’t had one for 2 weeks and today has just left me feeling exhausted pissed off and like there will be no return from this.

The past two weeks all thinks to do with sex has completely repulsed me. I haven’t even been able to sit next to my partner on the settee properly without feeling like my skin is crawling, well I say partner after this weekend just gone he is not my partner for the time being and has been shipped back to his mothers but that is another post all together.

” Lets start with the earliest memory again, the one with your step granddad in your nans front room” says my therapist ( who is lovely by the way) So I stare at the blank wall while she starts the bilateral stimulation in between my thumbs.Feeling of disgust and shame flow in and out and the deep burning hole of despair in my heart burns and burns and the hot tears flow out of my eyes. Same old Same old then. Then as per usual my dad comes into the equation.

” who do you need to make you safe?” she says I say my dad. Not wired up right am I really, to still ache and yearn for my dad to love me like a proper dad. I hang my head in shame and I feel guilty for feeling this way, the burning hole of despair in my heart just expanded ten fold. I am still drawing blanks  nothing really shifting or moving just the feeling of being tense and on a ride desperately forcing whatever emotion I am choosing not to let out back in, my force to be able to do this is like a Trojan I must say. I must of been a hard nut of a little girl to have kept all this hidden and stuffed down for all these years.

“lets try something else, when you feel repulsed and like your suffocating when your partner mentions sex to you, whats the earliest memory of that?” I explain  about how when I was 12 I was walking to my dads house on boxing day early hours  after drinking and smoking weed at his dick head girlfriend house party, I asked a man if he had seen my Dad. ( I was taken into every pub my home town by the time I was 9, I thought the whole world and his dog knew my dad. I idolised my Dad even though he was a complete cunt to me to the majority of the time, I was a Girl for Daddy, I cant say Daddy’s Girl as thats not strictly true is it) The man said yes I know your Dad and I know where he is and he took me by the hand and took me to a secluded grassy area pushed me down and shoved his fat old disgusting cock in my mouth and made me heave and blew his fucking disgusting evil load all in my little mouth. I didn’t think to scream, I didn’t think to shout. He dragged me up and wiped my face with his hand whilst breathing on me I had my eyes screwed shot then he ran off fastening his disgusting belt.

So what did 12 year old me do?

She scuttled off back to her Dads dickhead girlfriends house let herself in and got on the settee and curled up and went to slept. She was too scared of her Dad finding out and thinking her the slut that he called her anyway. This must be what big girls get up to and I so want my Dad to love me for being a big girl and being cool to him and his friends.

The image was coming and going. I said to my Therapist its coming and going I dont feel anything, I have no emotion all I was bothered about was my Dad finding out. She said there is no right or wrong way to feel.

How can all these incidents of early abuse not really bother me at all, well ok they do they must do but the lack of love from my Father and how he treated me seems to be the “theme” as she calls it.

I am unlovable

I am disgusting

I am shamed

I am trapped.

At the end I say so is it PTSD or CPTSD ( I don’t know why this matters to me but it does)

” Oh is definitely CPTSD she says, most of my clients are” She smiles this deep brown eyed sad smile as if to say ” well, what the fuck are we going to do with you my love?”

I genuinely have no idea

 

 

 

EMDR Session 5 – Unlovable Me

Yesterdays session was HARD. The hardest one yet.

I have been drawing a bit of a blank at the sexual abuse/ assault stuff for some reason and My therapist asked me last week if ever I had been physically abused, I said by who she said by anyone so I told her about my dad hitting me and grabbing me by the throat this then led into all the abusive relationships I have had in my adult life.

She was looking at me in sheer disbelieve.

I said I know its a mess 😦

She then said –  I just think your amazing, to which I just brushed off i certainly am not amazing at all. everything was just the norm at the time I expected it all to happen so none of it was a surprised.

She said why dont we work on the physical abuse this week, I said yes that would be fine, as I was telling her everything I could feel my heart palpating and the panic and pain rising up. She said we should of started at stage 4 of the EMDR really as she wasnt aware of all this other stuff which indicates I have CPTSD as apposed to PTSD

In each session the believe that comes up for me is I am unlovable, every time I say I am alone and noone wants me.

We started on the memory of my dad having my by the throat on the floor when I was about 13, he had his hand raised to me as if to punch me and he said ” The only reason I am not hitting you is because you have your fucking glasses on”

So I focused on this memory and the bi lateral stimulation begins and the tear start flowing and flowing and flowing, my throat closes up and I cant speak, the pain my my heart is so raw its like my heart is going to come out of my chest and then I start with these great big shudders of sobs that keep escaping out, I had to put my hand to my head to hide myself as i was doing it as the feelings coming up where embarrassment and shame.

Through out this whole session I know what needs to come out and I was not letting it out, I dont want it out. I felt like i was holding on to a chair at a really scary movie expect it wasnt a movie this is my life. My whole body was freezing through out this session to not let the dreaded realisation out that I have blocked out my whole life.

She kept saying thats good thats good, let the little girls feelings out, let the little girls feelings out as I was sobbing and hiding in the chair but I still couldn’t properly really. I know there is loads more in there and I know there is nothing to be scared of anymore but the little me inside just cant do this.

We stopped about 15 mins before the end and she said do I want to carry on to which I said no. I have never had to do that before either. I could of cried and cried and screamed and screamed all day. It didn’t stop when I got home either I curled up in a ball and cried to my partner saying I am broken and the pain is too much to bare.

I started asking him questions about his Dad as my partners Dad wanted nothing to do with him, its very sad and I know he harbors a lot of pain and maybe it was selfish of me to ask him how he feels about it. He didn’t really want to go into much detail about it. I suppose I want someone to tell me there ok about there Dads and what they have been through.

I still feel ashamed and embarrassed about all of this. I want to hang my head in shame that I wasnt lovable.

 

 

2nd EMDR Session

Iv just got back from my second EMDR session. Iv just wandered through town in a daze, had to buy some chocolate cookies from the pound bakery to bring me back to life.

My therapist asked me which memory to start from so I said in the words of Julie Andrews “let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start”  if it’s good enough for the sound of music it was good enough for me.

I had to tune in to the very first memory which involves my nans second husband and “doing things” my therapist used a pen like a hypnosis thing and I had to follow it with my eyes whilst thinking about the therapy. Sure enough the tears started to flow and when asked how I was feeling the words disgusting and filth  kept coming then she asked me again how I am feeling and I shouted “where’s my mummy?” Oh that hurt the utter sadness and feelings of shame and abandonment engulfed me. She stopped the pen as my eyes were full of tears so she then put my hands on a book and started tapping between my two thumbs.

This went on for an hour on the same memory as I kept having blocks, I kept bringing up blanks and my mind kept wandering but we got the memory abs the “I am disgusting” down from a 10 intensity to a 3. 

What got me was there was about 4 occasions of me going back to the memory then the questions and I literally couldn’t speak my mouth and tongue were locked I had to take 5 mins before I could speak as to how I was feeling. At one point she gave me a pen and paper to write what I was feeling as I said I feel like I want to scream and I can’t it’s like my body is screaming but I felt a bit silly writing stuff down.

We also focused on body sensations and when ever I am in danger or think I’m in danger my arms prickles like really really bad sunburn and iv constantly got bricks in my chest. This eased a little.

She said thar because my trauma is layered we will need to do this a lot but we made a good start.

I don’t feel sad or disturbed or anything, in fact iv come home and give my partner a big kiss and said I’m sorry for being distant and standoffish and I genuinely mean it.

Overall it wasn’t the nicest thing iv done but I’m willing to do anything to help me feel normal