Its a long, winding and bumpy road

I really cant concentrate today im far too hyper for work and Iv only just got back after 9 days off sick.

Iv had a bit of a breakdown truth be told I split with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago, this was all my doing I had been shutting down on him for ages so one of my many me’s came out to play “Tallulah” my friends and I have named my personas my best friend also has CPTSD and a bit of dark humor gets us through the day sometimes.

Tallulah wrecked havoc as she usually does drinking and bendering but when Tallulah goes up she must come down and this time she came down HARD suicidal hard. It got to wednesday and id already had 3 days off work and was still full of shame and self loathing I was panicking to the point of panic attacks. I called my mum ( something I never do with this type of stuff) told her I was loosing it again, then I phoned the NHS psycotherapy place where I had the EMDR they were really good with me and have now put me up to step 4 EMDR and im back on the waiting list and the docs have prescribed anti depressants which for the first time ever I am actually taking and havnt just put them in the bin

I should be happy iv cought Tallulah early, I am now recognising the signs im out of control and I have took appropriate measures to get me stable again but I still feel shamefull and disgusting and awkward. Awkward like im 13 again, yesterday was my first day back to work and I felt like my chest was going to burst and the horrible whirling sensation was there, I litterally felt like I was a young teenager desperate to fit it but I was scruffy and my clothes were scruffy and everyone was looking at me with utter disgust. Im 33 I shouldn’t still feel like this.

I still feel like I could vomit when I think about sex too the physical sensation and images are too much to bear sometimes and I have put weight on im over eating and I think somewhere inside me im doing it so noonw fancies me and Ill be left alone im pushin a size 14 at the min when im usually a 10 or a 12. My poor suffering boyfriend has been round to see my everyday since my little episode and its hurting it seein him so sad he was crying as I keep shuttin down and shutting him out and all he really does is love me unconditionally and I cant stand it some times its too much makes my skin crawl like I need to run away.

So 5 years in to this healing lark and still seems a long way to go ups and downs and roundabouts all the bloody time. Its a long and windy bumpy road it does my head in

Keeping The Faith

Im feeling much better than the other day. The episode has passed thank goodness the worst of it is is not knowing if its a CPTSD episode or if I actually feel like that or not feel as the case is for me. My total switch off scares the hell out of me. How can I go from being in love with someone to no feeling at all and for that period of time I genuinely feel nothing. dead as a dodo and moody to boot. Must be so hard for my partner how cold n distance I become.

But enough of that I am back now and thats what matters. Living in the moment is no easy thing to do but I never give up and to me thats the main thing

If y0u have been following my posts you will know I love reiki and I am a healer well I am now a reiki master, I took the attunement about a month ago and I am really feeling the difference, I think with doing this as reiki helps you release things that no longer serve you plus being discharged from my EMDR therapy brought the dip on but each time I dip down Iv notices there becoming less deep and I come back feeling much better so for me this is part of the healing progress I think.

I was reading the reiki principles today you can find them here: 

I think there lovely and I feel much better when I read them, I know I havnt mastered them all the time but its a lovely reminder.Maybe next time I have a dip I should read these and I will rise again quicker and one day I wont dip at all!

The Next Steps

Firstly I would like to apologise for not blogging for 2 months, my laptop broke and Im blogging this through my phone which is a lot more fiddily than a laptop.

I have been discharged from having EMDR my therapist was happy with my progress as am I, I dont think its the end of it but it is the end for now. We cleared a lot up with my sessions I started to feel better and am managing triggers better but my brain shut down and seemed to stop working over the last 2 sessions. Maybe its all my brain can handle for the time being or maybe I can continue the healing myself I am not too sure yet. 

I am still shutting down and my sex drive is very very low but i am managing it bettee, im in the middle to the end of a shut down week I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel today but then it went dark again. I am just sitting it out. I cant even work out whats set me off again or maybe its the fact the therapy has ended. I am just keeping the faith it will pass soon and Iv had worst ones so Im clinging to that.

So am I better? maybe there is no cure just managing skills? hmmmm lots of questions still isnt there ūüė¶ 

Blockages and Heavenly Help

I have been having an awful week after Mondays EMDR session, no amount of meditation, walks, self reiki has been able to shift this tight packed block of pain in my heart and stomach. Maybe its the full moon which is approaching and im getting ready to explode.

I meditated for 17 mins this morning, it was a cleanse clear and protect one with Arch Angel Micheal, I connected with ease but the blockages were still there. I walked to work through the shopping centre and met my friend at star bucks feeling deflated and flat. There was a song I had never heard before, I could only catch the lyrics which were ” your daddy knows you are….” my eyes filled up. I just knew the song was a sign for me.

When I got to work I decided to google the song to see if I could find the lyrics, I found it straight away:

I managed to hold back to tears I so desperately need to let out. Its not really the time and the place to have a melt down in front of all the staff.

The next thing that happened was my boss said ” whats this crystal all about called Fire Agate? ” I am an avid crystal collector, I have paid for an online course but have never started it. Its somethinh I intend to do after my holiday. Anyway, I had never heard of it so I looked up the meaning and its perfect for what I am going through at the moment so as soon as I get paid tomorrow I am going to see if its in my local crystal shop.

Usually these heaveningly signs would have me jumping for joy, dont get me wrong I am truely grateful for them and they have made me feel better but the tighly packed balls of pain n hurt are still there.

I love my Dad, I have good memories aswell as bad. I once read a book by Robert Schwartz called ” Your Souls Plan” and this is a very basic explanation but it says your soul decides before you incarnate to earth what you will go through for your souls expantion. Maybe we planned for this to happen for my souls expansion on Earth. Maybe he planned his death before he got here just at the right time when Id learnt enough about spiritualism so I could continue to heal myself here on Earth. Maybe his soul loves me even though his human self couldnt.

I need to let all this pain out somehow its bubbling away like a volcano and causing issues in my relationship, were going abroad for 10 days on sunday its definitely a make or break one. I really dont know which way its going to go at the moment.

Hopefully the sea will draw all this pain out I find being near the sea really soothing so being in it should be amazing.

Really hope I can heal soon, this broken heart of mine is so heavy.

EMDR Session 7 – my skin is crawling

###this may trigger####

Im still realing from todays today so im just going to write and write to get this out of my head.

I told my therapist I know I need to forgive my Dad and that when my partner sends me sexy texts or says anything suggestive it make my skin crawl and I panic like im waiting to have to do some sexual act, she was already aware of this but she thought this was to do with when I was 5 or 6 but after thinking a lot this week and trying to match reactions to memories I think this is also to do with my Dad.

I explained how he was taunted me since being about 9 onwards ( I was an early developer) about my breasts and things and basically sexualised me from as young as I can remember, commenting on my weight, asking who im shagging on the park ( I was 12/13 and very naughty but its no wonder really, a child behaves how they are told they are so iv your belitteled shamed and told your a slut from an early age you think that is how you are and how you should be)

Most of his friends and my step family who I am no longer in contact with used to laugh along or laugh it off and I did too.I pretended I was fine when really every remarking was leaving a very deep scar which at the time I didnt realise was happening.

We started focusing on this memory and It went back and forth back and forth. I started to disassociate. It was like deep inside me there was someome screamimg bit it was so far away it wasnt really part of me.

We stopped and she said that is peadofillic you do know that. That shook me to the core. There it was out on the table something I had denied and not beleived for so many years. She then said what do you want to say to your Dad I said I dont know I was squirming at this point and I decided to say to him your disgusting. We started again and I just looked at her and said I cant do it. The thought of betraying my father like like just made me switch off.

How ironic is that? I cant even say your disgusting in my mind to my dead father after all the years of abuse he put me through. It still doesnt feel real. Its like its happened to someone else when its not its all happened to me.

She then went on to say place my hand on my heart that will comfort you as there are nerve endings connected to the brain from the heart. This helped quite a bit actually and my managed to process a few things.

But now I am left with the fact that my father was a peadofile.

Which opens up a whole other can of nasty evillness. My father was a peadofile so does that mean im tainted too? How can I still love and want to protect him now? I feel pysically sick thinking about all of this. Iv basically been abused mentally, physically and sexually right up untill he died which was only 2 years ago. How can I of accepted his behaviour as normal?

So not only the the other 2 disgusting fucks my own father is on the very long list of abusers who arnt even connected how fucked up is that?

A hundred thousand worms crawling in and one my skin right now. This blogging hasnt helped its made it worse.

EMDR Session 6 -” Its definitely CPTSD”

*** THIS MAY TRIGGER****

WOW. What a wank day.

I had my EMDR session today, I haven’t had one for 2 weeks and today has just left me feeling exhausted pissed off and like there will be no return from this.

The past two weeks all thinks to do with sex has completely repulsed me. I haven’t even been able to sit next to my partner on the settee properly without feeling like my skin is crawling, well I say partner after this weekend just gone he is not my partner for the time being and has been shipped back to his mothers but that is another post all together.

” Lets start with the earliest memory again, the one with your step granddad in your nans front room” says my therapist ( who is lovely by the way) So I stare at the blank wall while she starts the bilateral stimulation in between my thumbs.Feeling of disgust and shame flow in and out and the deep burning hole of despair in my heart burns and burns and the hot tears flow out of my eyes. Same old Same old then. Then as per usual my dad comes into the equation.

” who do you need to make you safe?” she says I say my dad. Not wired up right am I really, to still ache and yearn for my dad to love me like a proper dad. I hang my head in shame and I feel guilty for feeling this way, the burning hole of despair in my heart just expanded ten fold. I am still drawing blanks ¬†nothing really shifting or moving just the feeling of being tense and on a ride desperately forcing whatever emotion I am choosing not to let out back in, my force to be able to do this is like a Trojan I must say. I must of been a hard nut of a little girl to have kept all this hidden and stuffed down for all these years.

“lets try something else, when you feel repulsed and like your suffocating when your partner mentions sex to you, whats the earliest memory of that?” I explain ¬†about how when I was 12 I was walking to my dads house on boxing day early hours ¬†after drinking and smoking weed at his dick head girlfriend house party, I asked a man if he had seen my Dad. ( I was taken into every pub my home town by the time I was 9, I thought the whole world and his dog knew my dad. I idolised my Dad even though he was a complete cunt to me to the majority of the time, I was a Girl for Daddy, I cant say Daddy’s Girl as thats not strictly true is it) The man said yes I know your Dad and I know where he is and he took me by the hand and took me to a secluded grassy area pushed me down and shoved his fat old disgusting cock in my mouth and made me heave and blew his fucking disgusting evil load all in my little mouth. I didn’t think to scream, I didn’t think to shout. He dragged me up and wiped my face with his hand whilst breathing on me I had my eyes screwed shot then he ran off fastening his disgusting belt.

So what did 12 year old me do?

She scuttled off back to her Dads dickhead girlfriends house let herself in and got on the settee and curled up and went to slept. She was too scared of her Dad finding out and thinking her the slut that he called her anyway. This must be what big girls get up to and I so want my Dad to love me for being a big girl and being cool to him and his friends.

The image was coming and going. I said to my Therapist its coming and going I dont feel anything, I have no emotion all I was bothered about was my Dad finding out. She said there is no right or wrong way to feel.

How can all these incidents of early abuse not really bother me at all, well ok they do they must do but the lack of love from my Father and how he treated me seems to be the “theme” as she calls it.

I am unlovable

I am disgusting

I am shamed

I am trapped.

At the end I say so is it PTSD or CPTSD ( I don’t know why this matters to me but it does)

” Oh is definitely CPTSD she says, most of my clients are” She smiles this deep brown eyed sad smile as if to say ” well, what the fuck are we going to do with you my love?”

I genuinely have no idea

 

 

 

I Can Say No If I Want to!!

Since my EMDR session on Monday I have not been too bad really.  I have been throwing myself back into meditation as much as I can and its been really nice all week so I have managed to go to our local park the other day and read my book for an hour, it was roasting and I love the sun. I felt really quite empowered as I dont have a garden and I always think people are looking at me if I am doing something like that on my own.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about is boundaries.

Looking back at my life I didn’t know what one was at all across every aspect on my life, friends, sexual partners, jobs, family I have pretty much let everyone walk all over me but what makes it worse is I didn’t even realise they was doing it. How strange is that really? until I started opening up about the abuse and learning right from wrong how I let people treat me that I had a life of being asleep or blind to people using and abusing me from all angles. I had no idea what the word “NO” was let alone how to use it.

Instead of being bitter and upset about that at this moment in time ( and believe me I have been, massively I was bitter and upset over things and rightly so but not really understanding why for years and years, especially over my Dad. I still am, maybe this will never go who knows) writing this blog I feel rather feisty as if to say ” Right you can all Fuck Off now, NO MORE!” and I am noticing this new found power slowly but surely creeping into my life and instead of feeling guilty for feeling this way I am beginning ¬†to understand its an absolute necessity to look after yourself by clearly stating what you will and not accept.

There was an incident on my facebook page the other day. I shared a horoscope post detailing each horoscopes signs traits, I just liked what it said as simple as that and I thought if I liked it then other people would like it too but someone commented on it telling me it was rubbish and I shouldn’t believe in these thing as its “The Devil” the person in question is a christian but its all fear based its quite scary actually to be honest some of the things he posts and I politely put please respect my beliefs like I respect yours and it still didn’t deter him from writing a a great big long paragraph how I am entertaining the devil and other nonsense but I chose to ignore him and not retaliate and he has now gone away. I do constantly take a lot of stick for my spiritual beliefs but I never let this get to me.

I struggle with boundaries with friends too, always have but recently I have found myself in the same vicious circle I have for years, I support this one particular person then I get dropped as soon she is sorted. Its been going on for 16 years. I suppose its because I have always wanted to be liked and loved. Even now I know I give too much and support too much and then I feel hurt when I dont get the same in return. I think the moral of my story here is ¬†love yourself and look after yourself as much as you can as if you are being true to yourselves the pain other people can inflict wont affect you half as much. I particularly like the saying – “You cant give from an empty vessel” – truest words I have ever heard.

I have been pondering over this for a few days now, so this weekend I am dedicating to me and doing what I like. Stuff everyone else for now.