Rock Bottom

Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too. 

Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….

WRONG.

I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.

I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money  £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.

I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.

Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.

To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?

My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.

I need to peice myself back together and quick.

A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

How are you supposed to let go of “The Past” when its everywhere?

Ugh. I have been triggered massively this weekend. Just when I think im getting somewhere and the people and the past experiences are just a memory never to be forgotten but soundly asleep at the back of my mind someone makes them spring back to life like a very disturbing jack in a box.

If you have followed my blog you will know I have struggled with drug problem in my past, bender after bender walking round like a skeleton before I had the hospital incident which forced me to admit I had suffered a life time of abuse from multiple people. Since those dark days in 2012 I have it more or less under control, Im not perfect I slip up and take cocaine some times but its getting further and further in between and I use Reiki and meditation and my spirituality has helped me massively and always will do, I am a firm beleiver in this.

But this weekend I went out for a drink with a very good friend, and as is typical in my small town we bumped into another good friend who happens to have a new boyfriend. So I waved excitedly to the second friend come and sit with us introduce us to your new boyfriend…….worse mistake I could of made. New boyfriend is someone who knows my dad and knows the mess I was in before my breakdown, hes a “gangster” who is in charge of the   “Drug Ring” and in the thick of the people I have now cut out of my life including the evil step family.

He said to me I already know you, I squashed a debt of £350 for you because I liked your Dad ” He was a very Good Man” I said I am sorry but I have no idea what your talking about. The thing is I was in such a mess back them this could be true but it might not be I wouldn’t of known, hours turned into days into months into years back then due to the amount of cocaine and amphetamine I was taking. I didn’t know my own name sometimes.

The horror of this has hit me and even though its Monday I cant stop thinking about it its buzzing in my brain the memories, the reasons why I was so bad, the feeling of filth and that I am filth, that I am nothing but a filthy worthless person who doesn’t give two fuck about herself.

“Your Dad Was A Good Man…….” to you yes to me hes a whole mess of love and hate and shame the shame of your Dad not loving you properly is harrowing.

Part of me wants the whole world to know how I have suffered and to maybe know why I behaved like until I was 28 years old but my Dad is DEAD its his 2 year anniversary on the 23rd of this month so if I come clean now I dont think anyone would believe me anyway so whats the point. Instead I am cursed with this bastard CPTSD the struggle to keep the beast at bay, the reminders of the past, the hurt the deep longing to be loved like a proper daughter should of been and the embarrassment of people like my friends new boyfreind reminding me of the state I was in.

No matter how hard I work or how hard I try to improve me be a better person, be more understanding and accepting the past will always be there it can not be changed and that is a fact.

The hardest critic on me if truth be told is me – what do I care what that gangster did or what people think but I do care and its not fair that they dont know the truth behind the fucked up girl I was.

 

How Do I break This Vicious Circle?

My plan this weekend was to be sensible and stay in apart from meeting one of my good friends who has been travelling for the best part of 12 months.

Friday was fine, stayed in no problem watching Netflix, my partner had gone to his mothers to watch the football.

Saturday I got ready and went to meet my friend, 1 bottle of wine and some food ( we didnt even order food in the end anyway) turned into a 24 hour session with enough cocaine and vodka to kill a small horse and a party at mine with a few other people. And if 24 hours on that wasnt enough we then decided to get some Ecstasy tablets.  Awful things I really dont know why I insist on taking them, I was sweating buckets and had to take my self to bed, my jaw was on the other side of the room and i was throwing up every 5 mins. Disgusting. I had to lie of the cold bathroom floor tiles just to get cool I was over heating really badly.

The last people left mine about 6pm Sunday night, we had been partying since 1pm Saturday, spent a ridiculous amount of money by this point and I look and feel like I have been dug up out of of a cemetery.

I have made it to work today, I should be having my EMDR therapy at 2pm but I really cant face it I am too spaced out to go and have a session of that work dont know this though so I will be sloping off back home to get my duvet and Netflix on.

I just don’t understand myself at all. I am 32, I have a decent job, a nice home, a good boyfriend who treats me well, I am a reiki level 2 practitioner yet I still continue to do this at a weekend, I have been getting smashed for about 3 months now, most weekends. Old habits are hard to break I have been doing this since I was 14 I just dont understand how I can still do this and my fuck it switch gets turned on and all I  care about is getting as much alcohol and drugs into my system as I can then I feel like shit for a week, start meditating again and giving myself reiki but the same vicious circle continues.

Is it bad habits that are too ingrained in my system to shift them? is it a family thing that runs through my blood? ( my dad was an alcoholic) Reiki has changed my life completely from 2012 and I can totally see this but how do I become strong enough to break these weekend habits? Now I know I have the vicious circle that is plain to see for everyone but how do I break it?

 

Weddings, Panic Attacks and Others

I have been having a funny old time since my last EMDR session last Monday.

Tuesday I broke my heart over my Gran. My Gran was a lovely kind caring women and she had me all of the time when I was little from 3 weeks old. She used to tell everyone the first night she had me she stayed up all night watching me to make sure I was breathing ok. She died in 2015, just a month before my Dad she was 92 and died peacefully in her sleep. I personally think she chose to die at this time to help my dad pass over as he was terminally ill with lung cancer and brain tumors and wasnt dealing with it well at all.  My heart aches for her, when it happened it didnt really bother me she was very old and had a good life but something inside me broke last week and I have been heartbroke and missing her ever since.

I was attending my cousins wedding last Thursday it was just the night do but I was going with my partner and I was on high alert all day to make sure he didnt get too drunk as this side of the family are well to do compared to us black sheeps.  My aunty had paid for the room for us and my uncle had paid for the meal and I always feel a bit like the pauper so I made sure we bought a fair few rounds of drinks.

At the end of the night my aunty was saying goodbye and I put my arms around he to say bye and tell her I loved her and she said ” I love you too” but it felt like she pushed me away. Well that was it then my eyes filled up my heart started beating too fast and I started shaking. I had to go and stand outside and try and get myself together. It was awful my whole body and skin where prickling and shaking.  I didnt want anyone to see me like this, they dont know I have PTSD or what has happened to me either.

My partner came outside to make sure I was ok but he was neither use nor ornament as he always thinks its to do with him what has he done, blah blah. He is very insecure and has his own issues but I really didn’t need that at that time how  I kept myself together and then him I will never know.

We went back to the room and lets just say things didn’t get better from there. we ended up each curled up on our sides of the bed. I was fuming the next day.

So Friday came along and my uncle was still pissed, him and his wife had been out after the wedding and said come on lets go and get a breakfast and a pint.  I didn’t want to go at all at first but I went anyway and stupid me thought fuck this shit and I got on the vodka at 11am which then led to an all day drinking session and shoving all what I could up my nose for 24 hours. I have hated myself ever since, its only passing now I have been envisioning hanging myself and slitting my wrists since Sunday, I have been away since with my lovely Mum and we had s good day and night but as soon as I stop the horrible evil thoughts at how bad I am keep seeping in. I hope they pass soon I am saying affirmations and starting meditating again last night I need to drag myself out of this depression sharpish.

I wish to God I could stop these patterns I have, Every time I have an incident I turn to drink and drugs I want a way out, I get so far only to come crashing down.