A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

I Will Drag Myself Out Of This!

After last nights post I went home and I wanted to do some some meditation whilst my partner was out so I chose an Angel one, it was Archangel Raphael and a healing meditation, it took me ages to get into it and I finally started seeing colors and then I started twitching because I was cold so I just got the duvet and rolled my self up with it and had a snooze.

My partner came home, he has been at my friends fixing her door and found me flat out, he woke me up and we went and had tea, I felt exhausted. One thing I have noticed since my PTSD episode last week is that I am sleeping for England at the moment, We had a nice tea and watched my favourite series at the moment, Versaille its called about King Louis the 14th of France, its brilliant I recommend it to anyone who likes history dramas.

We went to bed and I tried to meditate again but I do struggle when I am in bed with my partner, its not his fault he is just going to sleep but he wriggles and makes little noises and I cant let go properly if I have distraction, especially at the moment as I am out of practice so I just lay there listing to the soothing voice and noises, it really does help I took my ear phones out and went to sleep.

This morning I managed a quick 10 mins before work, a positive morning one and then I got my Angel book out, its Doreen Virtues 365 day Angel book I ask the Angels for a message and thank them for there support and I opened the the page up and guess what it said? ” Lighten Up” I did have a little laugh at this. I have been very down recently and very serious and the message was telling me to have fun and be carefree. All very easy for them to say but one thing for sure is no matter how deep into depression I go I will always claw my way back and that is exactly what I am doing now.

Another thing I have started doing this week is affirmations. I am going on holiday in about 7 weeks and I am feeling a bit overweight and I have been saying in the mirror over and over whilst I am getting ready:

” I am healthy and thin and I always win!”

I took it from a Diana Cooper book, I cant remember which one it was but I think she is fabulous she is the first spiritual teacher I got interested in I have most of her books,

And I have two crystals in my bra I have a tigers eye for protection and a blue howlite for healing.

im sure with all this spiritual work I am doing I will lighten up sooner rather than later, I can feel it working already 🙂

 

 

 

Weddings, Panic Attacks and Others

I have been having a funny old time since my last EMDR session last Monday.

Tuesday I broke my heart over my Gran. My Gran was a lovely kind caring women and she had me all of the time when I was little from 3 weeks old. She used to tell everyone the first night she had me she stayed up all night watching me to make sure I was breathing ok. She died in 2015, just a month before my Dad she was 92 and died peacefully in her sleep. I personally think she chose to die at this time to help my dad pass over as he was terminally ill with lung cancer and brain tumors and wasnt dealing with it well at all.  My heart aches for her, when it happened it didnt really bother me she was very old and had a good life but something inside me broke last week and I have been heartbroke and missing her ever since.

I was attending my cousins wedding last Thursday it was just the night do but I was going with my partner and I was on high alert all day to make sure he didnt get too drunk as this side of the family are well to do compared to us black sheeps.  My aunty had paid for the room for us and my uncle had paid for the meal and I always feel a bit like the pauper so I made sure we bought a fair few rounds of drinks.

At the end of the night my aunty was saying goodbye and I put my arms around he to say bye and tell her I loved her and she said ” I love you too” but it felt like she pushed me away. Well that was it then my eyes filled up my heart started beating too fast and I started shaking. I had to go and stand outside and try and get myself together. It was awful my whole body and skin where prickling and shaking.  I didnt want anyone to see me like this, they dont know I have PTSD or what has happened to me either.

My partner came outside to make sure I was ok but he was neither use nor ornament as he always thinks its to do with him what has he done, blah blah. He is very insecure and has his own issues but I really didn’t need that at that time how  I kept myself together and then him I will never know.

We went back to the room and lets just say things didn’t get better from there. we ended up each curled up on our sides of the bed. I was fuming the next day.

So Friday came along and my uncle was still pissed, him and his wife had been out after the wedding and said come on lets go and get a breakfast and a pint.  I didn’t want to go at all at first but I went anyway and stupid me thought fuck this shit and I got on the vodka at 11am which then led to an all day drinking session and shoving all what I could up my nose for 24 hours. I have hated myself ever since, its only passing now I have been envisioning hanging myself and slitting my wrists since Sunday, I have been away since with my lovely Mum and we had s good day and night but as soon as I stop the horrible evil thoughts at how bad I am keep seeping in. I hope they pass soon I am saying affirmations and starting meditating again last night I need to drag myself out of this depression sharpish.

I wish to God I could stop these patterns I have, Every time I have an incident I turn to drink and drugs I want a way out, I get so far only to come crashing down.