*** THIS MAY TRIGGER****
WOW. What a wank day.
I had my EMDR session today, I haven’t had one for 2 weeks and today has just left me feeling exhausted pissed off and like there will be no return from this.
The past two weeks all thinks to do with sex has completely repulsed me. I haven’t even been able to sit next to my partner on the settee properly without feeling like my skin is crawling, well I say partner after this weekend just gone he is not my partner for the time being and has been shipped back to his mothers but that is another post all together.
” Lets start with the earliest memory again, the one with your step granddad in your nans front room” says my therapist ( who is lovely by the way) So I stare at the blank wall while she starts the bilateral stimulation in between my thumbs.Feeling of disgust and shame flow in and out and the deep burning hole of despair in my heart burns and burns and the hot tears flow out of my eyes. Same old Same old then. Then as per usual my dad comes into the equation.
” who do you need to make you safe?” she says I say my dad. Not wired up right am I really, to still ache and yearn for my dad to love me like a proper dad. I hang my head in shame and I feel guilty for feeling this way, the burning hole of despair in my heart just expanded ten fold. I am still drawing blanks nothing really shifting or moving just the feeling of being tense and on a ride desperately forcing whatever emotion I am choosing not to let out back in, my force to be able to do this is like a Trojan I must say. I must of been a hard nut of a little girl to have kept all this hidden and stuffed down for all these years.
“lets try something else, when you feel repulsed and like your suffocating when your partner mentions sex to you, whats the earliest memory of that?” I explain about how when I was 12 I was walking to my dads house on boxing day early hours after drinking and smoking weed at his dick head girlfriend house party, I asked a man if he had seen my Dad. ( I was taken into every pub my home town by the time I was 9, I thought the whole world and his dog knew my dad. I idolised my Dad even though he was a complete cunt to me to the majority of the time, I was a Girl for Daddy, I cant say Daddy’s Girl as thats not strictly true is it) The man said yes I know your Dad and I know where he is and he took me by the hand and took me to a secluded grassy area pushed me down and shoved his fat old disgusting cock in my mouth and made me heave and blew his fucking disgusting evil load all in my little mouth. I didn’t think to scream, I didn’t think to shout. He dragged me up and wiped my face with his hand whilst breathing on me I had my eyes screwed shot then he ran off fastening his disgusting belt.
So what did 12 year old me do?
She scuttled off back to her Dads dickhead girlfriends house let herself in and got on the settee and curled up and went to slept. She was too scared of her Dad finding out and thinking her the slut that he called her anyway. This must be what big girls get up to and I so want my Dad to love me for being a big girl and being cool to him and his friends.
The image was coming and going. I said to my Therapist its coming and going I dont feel anything, I have no emotion all I was bothered about was my Dad finding out. She said there is no right or wrong way to feel.
How can all these incidents of early abuse not really bother me at all, well ok they do they must do but the lack of love from my Father and how he treated me seems to be the “theme” as she calls it.
I am unlovable
I am disgusting
I am shamed
I am trapped.
At the end I say so is it PTSD or CPTSD ( I don’t know why this matters to me but it does)
” Oh is definitely CPTSD she says, most of my clients are” She smiles this deep brown eyed sad smile as if to say ” well, what the fuck are we going to do with you my love?”
I genuinely have no idea