Its a long, winding and bumpy road

I really cant concentrate today im far too hyper for work and Iv only just got back after 9 days off sick.

Iv had a bit of a breakdown truth be told I split with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago, this was all my doing I had been shutting down on him for ages so one of my many me’s came out to play “Tallulah” my friends and I have named my personas my best friend also has CPTSD and a bit of dark humor gets us through the day sometimes.

Tallulah wrecked havoc as she usually does drinking and bendering but when Tallulah goes up she must come down and this time she came down HARD suicidal hard. It got to wednesday and id already had 3 days off work and was still full of shame and self loathing I was panicking to the point of panic attacks. I called my mum ( something I never do with this type of stuff) told her I was loosing it again, then I phoned the NHS psycotherapy place where I had the EMDR they were really good with me and have now put me up to step 4 EMDR and im back on the waiting list and the docs have prescribed anti depressants which for the first time ever I am actually taking and havnt just put them in the bin

I should be happy iv cought Tallulah early, I am now recognising the signs im out of control and I have took appropriate measures to get me stable again but I still feel shamefull and disgusting and awkward. Awkward like im 13 again, yesterday was my first day back to work and I felt like my chest was going to burst and the horrible whirling sensation was there, I litterally felt like I was a young teenager desperate to fit it but I was scruffy and my clothes were scruffy and everyone was looking at me with utter disgust. Im 33 I shouldn’t still feel like this.

I still feel like I could vomit when I think about sex too the physical sensation and images are too much to bear sometimes and I have put weight on im over eating and I think somewhere inside me im doing it so noonw fancies me and Ill be left alone im pushin a size 14 at the min when im usually a 10 or a 12. My poor suffering boyfriend has been round to see my everyday since my little episode and its hurting it seein him so sad he was crying as I keep shuttin down and shutting him out and all he really does is love me unconditionally and I cant stand it some times its too much makes my skin crawl like I need to run away.

So 5 years in to this healing lark and still seems a long way to go ups and downs and roundabouts all the bloody time. Its a long and windy bumpy road it does my head in

How many different Me’s can there be

First day back to work went ok, I was very cagey and felt like my chest was going to burst open spilling all my disgusting filth everywhere, filled up with tears a few times but nobody knew. I have learnt to be a master of disguise over the years when I have to be. I can answer the phone at work and be so happy and cheerful you would never guess iv beat myself up to near death for the past four days. Someone said to me once “I love ringing your office your always so happy and cheerfull” to which I replied ” Well a voice can tell a 1000 lies” they thought I was joking but I genuinely wasnt I was having a terrible time of it.

Sometimes I feel like Im 10 different personalities all in one body theres wreckhead me, sugery sweet me, spiritual me, hard faced me and the one I hate the most is filthy disgusting me and how I try to control this one and push it down and then all of a sudden im triggered and bang there she is dripping words of poison over and over again but shes subsiding again at the moment.

I know im in a viscious circle and have been for longer than I can imagine however spiritual work, healing and therapy have all taught me that whenever the beast rears its ugly head it means something is trying to get out something is trying  to heal so iv been analysed all day and I cant decided if its because I have a cellular beleive I need to be punished and dont deserve so I punish myself as soon as the going gets good, if its because Im weak and took my fella back when I didnt really want him so Iv stopped listening to my heart and thats why the sudden dip or whether its because I obviously still dont love and accept myself and what to hurt me or maybe a mixture of everything.

Deep mind boggling thoughts.

I will be meditating tonight on releasing negativity and asking for arch angel Michael’s help. Im also going to write a thank you list that usually makes me feek better.

Even as im writing this there is a little demon in me niggling making me feel filthy. Wish I had some more EMDR therapy  sessions left something is desperate to come out but its stuck fast at the moment

Keeping The Faith

Im feeling much better than the other day. The episode has passed thank goodness the worst of it is is not knowing if its a CPTSD episode or if I actually feel like that or not feel as the case is for me. My total switch off scares the hell out of me. How can I go from being in love with someone to no feeling at all and for that period of time I genuinely feel nothing. dead as a dodo and moody to boot. Must be so hard for my partner how cold n distance I become.

But enough of that I am back now and thats what matters. Living in the moment is no easy thing to do but I never give up and to me thats the main thing

If y0u have been following my posts you will know I love reiki and I am a healer well I am now a reiki master, I took the attunement about a month ago and I am really feeling the difference, I think with doing this as reiki helps you release things that no longer serve you plus being discharged from my EMDR therapy brought the dip on but each time I dip down Iv notices there becoming less deep and I come back feeling much better so for me this is part of the healing progress I think.

I was reading the reiki principles today you can find them here: 

I think there lovely and I feel much better when I read them, I know I havnt mastered them all the time but its a lovely reminder.Maybe next time I have a dip I should read these and I will rise again quicker and one day I wont dip at all!

Went to My Spiritualist Church Last Night…..

Last night I decided to go to the Spiritualist Church. I just felt a pull to go, I am a full member of my local one I love it I really do the energy’s feel so loving and peaceful and after the past few weeks of how I have been feeling I really needed some loving.

I have done the foundation course and I was going to the development group every week but I dropped off somehow. Its mad of me really as the one thing that makes me feel on top of the world is when I am practicing Reiki and mediumship. I  was going a separate circle too which is brilliant but I  dropped off that too,

When I got there my friends were so happy to see me They ran over and gave me a big kiss I was made up I really was I only know them through church but they were so happy to see me and visa versa, I felt overwhelmed with love.

I have never worked at the Church open circle before, only at the private one which is much smaller but as soon as I sat down the love and peace engulfed me, it felt amazing and I knew I was going to get up and give a message.

Before this though my Dad and my Gran came through together,  I knew it was them straight away when the medium got up, she said I have a couple in spirit but they  are not married but related and look totally opposite and there personality’s are totally opposite too the male is very tall and thin and the lady is quite small and robust and they are singing the nursery rhyme ” Jack Sprat can eat no fat, his wife can eat no lean” so I said I can take that.

The medium said they can come to give me healing as I have been very confused of late and anxious and panicky. She said she could see a hedgehog and the hedgehog was walking normally and all of a sudden it curls up in a ball to protect itself, she said that how I am. I think that is exactly like PTSD to be honest, I had never thought of it that way before but to me that is a very accurate description. They said no matter how far I veer down one path I can always turn back on myself if I am not happy with it, its never too late to turn a corner. They said I needed to get my laughter back from when I was a kid as Iv lost it at the moment. Sent me lots of love and then my Gran left me with a Jelly on  plate.

It was a lovey message to receive and very accurate considering what I have been going through as of late.

At this point I still had the energy I could feel around me on my left side, I tuned in and it was a little old lady who was full off fun and had come to energize someone as they were down and had lots to do so I looked at my friend across the circle and said can I get up and she beamed at me and said yes of course so I got up and gave the message off, it was only brief I am knew to this really and I am out of practice but I gave the evidence of Spirit and she was left with a pocket watch from her Grandma, I was amazed it all just flew off my tongue, especially with it being my first time in Church.

I was dead chuffed after this, I am turning a corner and getting my Spirituality back up the vibrations are rising in me again I can feel it, I am so grateful of this.

I know we create our own realities and I know all the experiences I have drawn to me are for me to grow but its so hard when I trip and get dragged back down, I hope this turn of a corner for me for a long period of time before the next hiccup. Thank You God and all the Angels for helping me yet again ❤

 

 

 

Gratitude

Sunshine After The Rain

I am big into spirituality and have been since my hospital incident in 2012. Something happened that night I overdosed on amphetamines I know this deep in my soul. Since then I started having Reiki, learning about chakras, angels, the law of attraction and its really helped and comforted me on this higgildy piggildy journey I am on. I became Reiki attuned in 2014 and I turned my spare room into a therapy room and I provide this in my spare time I absolutely love it.

Every time I have a “low” all this gets put on the back burner which is so ironic as its the one thing that makes me feel good. Even as I am writing this blog my heart is beginning to glow as I know Im coming back round to the bright side. One of the things I used to do every day was to write ten things I am grateful for, this can be anything going on it your day people, things, the weather – you would be surprised at how much this makes a difference in your life so this is what I am going to do on here every day so here is my first list below:

1 – I am grateful that the low I have been experiencing is passing

2- I am grateful that my first EMDR session was a pleasant experience

3- I am grateful the sun has come out for my walk to work this morning

4- I am grateful I have a job that allows me to take time out in the day to write this blog

5- I am grateful my partner and I have got through my PTSD episode and he is learning more about it

6- I am grateful I have the most naughty but loving cat that brightens my day every day

7- I am grateful for good work friends who love the banter and we get through the day together

8- I am grateful for all my Havoca friends who help me get through the day and that no subject is taboo

9- I am grateful I made this blog as I am conversing with new people and learning new things and its helping me offload my thoughts

10 – I am grateful I have a lovely mum who has now accepted what has happened to me and out relationship grows stronger every day.

So there you have it there are the 10 things I am thankful for at this moment in time, I have read the list back and I feel really happy with it and I am content with everything. There is always sunshine after the rain even though it never feels like it at the time.

 

 

 

 

Anger Issues

Riding The Waves

I have just read somewhere that we shouldn’t judge our emotions. Let emotions come and go it says.  Have a read below:

Living with PTSD

I agree with the majority of the points on there but its god damn hard. Monitoring my emotions and trusting my inner judgement on my emotions is one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to learn.  Take today for instance. I have been carrying so much anger since Sunday and its not shifting yet at all.  I want to scream and shout at my partner but its not his fault really why I am angry.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at the people who put me in danger who should of known better. I am angry that I having to learn this self acceptance the hard way. I am angry I am having to love and teach myself how to love myself. I am angry that I have to undo all these wrong believes that have been sown into me. So to merely start ” accept” your emotions I think its a bit rich really.

Anger is a new one to me on this healing journey. I haven’t really felt anger before in relation to the abuse I have suffered. Or maybe I have but not been able to recognise it where as now I am recognising it I am worried as to how I am to express this emotion. I dont want anyone to feel the wrath but its bubbling under the surface and people are getting on my last nerve. I  have been feeling like a raw ticking time bomb and I have been defensive over EVERYTHING.

I started this blog post this morning and my anger was still fizzing away but I have actually felt a lift this afternoon. I don’t know if its because we have changed the shit radio station at work to XFM or the fact they played a Viola Beach song ( R.I.P Boys <3)  and this has made me realise that life IS precious.

Looks like the post that had got my back up this morning does have some truth in it. Nothing stays the same even if it feels like it will at the time.  Just go to ride the waves I suppose.

P.S :

The photo on this blog is one I took on Bamburgh Beach in Northumberland a few weeks back. The waves were magnificent and the sea was so moody it was really something to watch and feel. I felt amazing on that beach, like the sea was washing out my soul.