Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

3rd EMDR Session – Just Plain Horrible

I have just got back from my 3rd EMDR session and I feel absolutely awful 😦 I am gutted because I have been in such a good mood all day and I feel exhausted and very sad I had planned to come home and deep clean the house but I just want to get in bed now.

I am surprised at this weeks session as last week we focused on what had happened with my nans second husband and we left it just touching on a memory I had about my mum when I was 5 and  had totally forgot we had even gone there last week so we started with this.

The memory was off my dad punching my mum in the face, her head bounced of the fire place at my auntys and there was blood everywhere, I went to the front door and tried to scream for help but no words would come out. I went back in to her as my Dad was walking out and she was on the floor sobbing but then he shouted ” Come on were going! ” so I left her. I was only 5 at the time and I was scared and I went with my Dad. I had’nt seen him for months at this point, well I think I think it was months.

I just couldn’t get past the sadness and the guilt at all over and over went over this, the pain is still so raw. My poor Mummy.  When you are having the EMDR you have to focus on the memory then my Councillor is touching my thumbs back and forth and then you have to take a deep breath and see what comes up. Pain, Hurt, Guilt, Despair, Abandonment. For me they are physical emotions I feel these pains in my stomach, heart and arms it absolutely horrific.

Then my Gran came into focus, oh my my Gran loved me the love from her was so pure and this made me cry even harder I miss her so much. She passed away a month before my Dad did. Then I started feeling guilt over her and all what she did for me and I just kept wanting to say I am sorry I am sorry over and over.

The next thing that happened was very strange, I said I feel like everyone is laughing at me and making fun of me, I feel ashamed and I started to get really really panicky my felt like my chest was restricted and I couldnt speak properly I said I am getting bullied. I wasnt bullied at school but I did feel bullied by my dad and ridiculed so maybe this was relating to this I am unsure as I was only getting feelings and no pictures with the emotions and memories. At one point I went to the cupboard under the stairs where I used to hide and play with my toys. I had forgotten all about that cupboard.

At the end of the session my therapist asked me how do I feel about the memory now. I said I could brake my heart over it, over my poor Mum and leaving her like that. She said well in that case the memory has’nt processed. I dont know how I am ever going to process that if I am honest. My eyes are filling up just writing this post.

She then said what is very clear is how much I wanted my Dads love even though I never got it and she said that is perfectly normal, I broke down again. He is dead now so that will never happen anyway not like it ever would happen.

She said the reaction that came out when I said I was being bullied is typical of PTSD symptoms, the sheer panic and the not being able to talk.

I need to find to a way to accept this all of this I just dont know how. I really really want to my mind says I can do this but my heart is saying no you can not it hurts too much the pain is to great.



2nd EMDR Session

Iv just got back from my second EMDR session. Iv just wandered through town in a daze, had to buy some chocolate cookies from the pound bakery to bring me back to life.

My therapist asked me which memory to start from so I said in the words of Julie Andrews “let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start”  if it’s good enough for the sound of music it was good enough for me.

I had to tune in to the very first memory which involves my nans second husband and “doing things” my therapist used a pen like a hypnosis thing and I had to follow it with my eyes whilst thinking about the therapy. Sure enough the tears started to flow and when asked how I was feeling the words disgusting and filth  kept coming then she asked me again how I am feeling and I shouted “where’s my mummy?” Oh that hurt the utter sadness and feelings of shame and abandonment engulfed me. She stopped the pen as my eyes were full of tears so she then put my hands on a book and started tapping between my two thumbs.

This went on for an hour on the same memory as I kept having blocks, I kept bringing up blanks and my mind kept wandering but we got the memory abs the “I am disgusting” down from a 10 intensity to a 3. 

What got me was there was about 4 occasions of me going back to the memory then the questions and I literally couldn’t speak my mouth and tongue were locked I had to take 5 mins before I could speak as to how I was feeling. At one point she gave me a pen and paper to write what I was feeling as I said I feel like I want to scream and I can’t it’s like my body is screaming but I felt a bit silly writing stuff down.

We also focused on body sensations and when ever I am in danger or think I’m in danger my arms prickles like really really bad sunburn and iv constantly got bricks in my chest. This eased a little.

She said thar because my trauma is layered we will need to do this a lot but we made a good start.

I don’t feel sad or disturbed or anything, in fact iv come home and give my partner a big kiss and said I’m sorry for being distant and standoffish and I genuinely mean it.

Overall it wasn’t the nicest thing iv done but I’m willing to do anything to help me feel normal 

EMDR Therapy

High Fives and Down Lows

Well today is proving to be a very strange day. I woke up this morning crying had to drag myself out of bed. This is all all over people wanting me to go out on Saturday to a carnival. It my boyfriend who wants me to go and his mum – they are lovely people and everything I just don’t know if I can deal with it especially knowing everyone will be drinking and I was planning a weekend in. Also I cant stop thinking about this time line I have to do for Monday at my EMDR session. I got up and I have come to work, I have messaged my boyfriend and said NOPE cant do it. Have been shakey and teary and my heart was palpitating.

So…… this timeline of events. Sounds like the name of a dodgy film.

I have sat down this morning and started typing and typing. I managed to get to age 11 and had to stop I have been filling up at my desk and wanting to go and have a cry in the toilets.

I had a break, had a chat to my friend and a smoke….. next minutue WOOOOOOSH. I feel as high as a a kite, my head is swimming, im laughing and joking and being far too loud for an office, heart starts beating fast again and i feel so alert like all my senses have picked up a 100 miles per hour – what are these highs and lows? if anyone is reading this and has had similar please leave me a comment about it.  I am not on any medication and I dont want any if I can help it but this all time low then all time high as got me pretty freaked out.

I have been doing sneaky breathing techniques to try ad bring myself down and it did work. had to leave the time line alone for a bit but I have managed to finish it. I haven’t re read it back yet I think thats a bit much to ask for one day. Its only 3pm and I have been to the depths of despair to climbing the walls all ready.

I still feel pretty hyper at the moment and my head feels like its swimming and my heart is fluttering away, concentration is nowhere to be seen.

I have told my boyfreind to ask me nearer the time about the carnival. Hopefully I will wake up and feel good, just going to try and take each day as it comes. I haven’t even started the EMDR treatment yet god knows what that is going to do.