New Name For My Blog


I decided to change the name for my blog.

I wanted it to sound more positive.

When I first started this blog it was primarily a place for me write and get things out of my brain as it helps me to do this when my mind has been invaded by a barrel of monkeys but I always hoped that other people would find it and it would be a comfort to them to know we are not alone.

I had absolutely no idea there were so many courageous people blogging about CPTSD/ PTSD and what they had been through and its been a great comfort to me to interact with you all and it makes me feel really proud that no matter what we’re all still here trying and doing our best for ourselves and each other. I genuinely dont know where I would be without certain blogging sites and forums.

It definitely been one of the major contributing factors in assisting me to live a full life regardless off my past so for this reason I am pround to say I am thriving with CPTSD and hope every single person with this does too.

 

How are you supposed to let go of “The Past” when its everywhere?

Ugh. I have been triggered massively this weekend. Just when I think im getting somewhere and the people and the past experiences are just a memory never to be forgotten but soundly asleep at the back of my mind someone makes them spring back to life like a very disturbing jack in a box.

If you have followed my blog you will know I have struggled with drug problem in my past, bender after bender walking round like a skeleton before I had the hospital incident which forced me to admit I had suffered a life time of abuse from multiple people. Since those dark days in 2012 I have it more or less under control, Im not perfect I slip up and take cocaine some times but its getting further and further in between and I use Reiki and meditation and my spirituality has helped me massively and always will do, I am a firm beleiver in this.

But this weekend I went out for a drink with a very good friend, and as is typical in my small town we bumped into another good friend who happens to have a new boyfriend. So I waved excitedly to the second friend come and sit with us introduce us to your new boyfriend…….worse mistake I could of made. New boyfriend is someone who knows my dad and knows the mess I was in before my breakdown, hes a “gangster” who is in charge of the   “Drug Ring” and in the thick of the people I have now cut out of my life including the evil step family.

He said to me I already know you, I squashed a debt of £350 for you because I liked your Dad ” He was a very Good Man” I said I am sorry but I have no idea what your talking about. The thing is I was in such a mess back them this could be true but it might not be I wouldn’t of known, hours turned into days into months into years back then due to the amount of cocaine and amphetamine I was taking. I didn’t know my own name sometimes.

The horror of this has hit me and even though its Monday I cant stop thinking about it its buzzing in my brain the memories, the reasons why I was so bad, the feeling of filth and that I am filth, that I am nothing but a filthy worthless person who doesn’t give two fuck about herself.

“Your Dad Was A Good Man…….” to you yes to me hes a whole mess of love and hate and shame the shame of your Dad not loving you properly is harrowing.

Part of me wants the whole world to know how I have suffered and to maybe know why I behaved like until I was 28 years old but my Dad is DEAD its his 2 year anniversary on the 23rd of this month so if I come clean now I dont think anyone would believe me anyway so whats the point. Instead I am cursed with this bastard CPTSD the struggle to keep the beast at bay, the reminders of the past, the hurt the deep longing to be loved like a proper daughter should of been and the embarrassment of people like my friends new boyfreind reminding me of the state I was in.

No matter how hard I work or how hard I try to improve me be a better person, be more understanding and accepting the past will always be there it can not be changed and that is a fact.

The hardest critic on me if truth be told is me – what do I care what that gangster did or what people think but I do care and its not fair that they dont know the truth behind the fucked up girl I was.

 

Keeping The Faith

Im feeling much better than the other day. The episode has passed thank goodness the worst of it is is not knowing if its a CPTSD episode or if I actually feel like that or not feel as the case is for me. My total switch off scares the hell out of me. How can I go from being in love with someone to no feeling at all and for that period of time I genuinely feel nothing. dead as a dodo and moody to boot. Must be so hard for my partner how cold n distance I become.

But enough of that I am back now and thats what matters. Living in the moment is no easy thing to do but I never give up and to me thats the main thing

If y0u have been following my posts you will know I love reiki and I am a healer well I am now a reiki master, I took the attunement about a month ago and I am really feeling the difference, I think with doing this as reiki helps you release things that no longer serve you plus being discharged from my EMDR therapy brought the dip on but each time I dip down Iv notices there becoming less deep and I come back feeling much better so for me this is part of the healing progress I think.

I was reading the reiki principles today you can find them here: 

I think there lovely and I feel much better when I read them, I know I havnt mastered them all the time but its a lovely reminder.Maybe next time I have a dip I should read these and I will rise again quicker and one day I wont dip at all!

The Next Steps

Firstly I would like to apologise for not blogging for 2 months, my laptop broke and Im blogging this through my phone which is a lot more fiddily than a laptop.

I have been discharged from having EMDR my therapist was happy with my progress as am I, I dont think its the end of it but it is the end for now. We cleared a lot up with my sessions I started to feel better and am managing triggers better but my brain shut down and seemed to stop working over the last 2 sessions. Maybe its all my brain can handle for the time being or maybe I can continue the healing myself I am not too sure yet. 

I am still shutting down and my sex drive is very very low but i am managing it bettee, im in the middle to the end of a shut down week I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel today but then it went dark again. I am just sitting it out. I cant even work out whats set me off again or maybe its the fact the therapy has ended. I am just keeping the faith it will pass soon and Iv had worst ones so Im clinging to that.

So am I better? maybe there is no cure just managing skills? hmmmm lots of questions still isnt there 😦 

Blockages and Heavenly Help

I have been having an awful week after Mondays EMDR session, no amount of meditation, walks, self reiki has been able to shift this tight packed block of pain in my heart and stomach. Maybe its the full moon which is approaching and im getting ready to explode.

I meditated for 17 mins this morning, it was a cleanse clear and protect one with Arch Angel Micheal, I connected with ease but the blockages were still there. I walked to work through the shopping centre and met my friend at star bucks feeling deflated and flat. There was a song I had never heard before, I could only catch the lyrics which were ” your daddy knows you are….” my eyes filled up. I just knew the song was a sign for me.

When I got to work I decided to google the song to see if I could find the lyrics, I found it straight away:

I managed to hold back to tears I so desperately need to let out. Its not really the time and the place to have a melt down in front of all the staff.

The next thing that happened was my boss said ” whats this crystal all about called Fire Agate? ” I am an avid crystal collector, I have paid for an online course but have never started it. Its somethinh I intend to do after my holiday. Anyway, I had never heard of it so I looked up the meaning and its perfect for what I am going through at the moment so as soon as I get paid tomorrow I am going to see if its in my local crystal shop.

Usually these heaveningly signs would have me jumping for joy, dont get me wrong I am truely grateful for them and they have made me feel better but the tighly packed balls of pain n hurt are still there.

I love my Dad, I have good memories aswell as bad. I once read a book by Robert Schwartz called ” Your Souls Plan” and this is a very basic explanation but it says your soul decides before you incarnate to earth what you will go through for your souls expantion. Maybe we planned for this to happen for my souls expansion on Earth. Maybe he planned his death before he got here just at the right time when Id learnt enough about spiritualism so I could continue to heal myself here on Earth. Maybe his soul loves me even though his human self couldnt.

I need to let all this pain out somehow its bubbling away like a volcano and causing issues in my relationship, were going abroad for 10 days on sunday its definitely a make or break one. I really dont know which way its going to go at the moment.

Hopefully the sea will draw all this pain out I find being near the sea really soothing so being in it should be amazing.

Really hope I can heal soon, this broken heart of mine is so heavy.

EMDR Session 7 – my skin is crawling

###this may trigger####

Im still realing from todays today so im just going to write and write to get this out of my head.

I told my therapist I know I need to forgive my Dad and that when my partner sends me sexy texts or says anything suggestive it make my skin crawl and I panic like im waiting to have to do some sexual act, she was already aware of this but she thought this was to do with when I was 5 or 6 but after thinking a lot this week and trying to match reactions to memories I think this is also to do with my Dad.

I explained how he was taunted me since being about 9 onwards ( I was an early developer) about my breasts and things and basically sexualised me from as young as I can remember, commenting on my weight, asking who im shagging on the park ( I was 12/13 and very naughty but its no wonder really, a child behaves how they are told they are so iv your belitteled shamed and told your a slut from an early age you think that is how you are and how you should be)

Most of his friends and my step family who I am no longer in contact with used to laugh along or laugh it off and I did too.I pretended I was fine when really every remarking was leaving a very deep scar which at the time I didnt realise was happening.

We started focusing on this memory and It went back and forth back and forth. I started to disassociate. It was like deep inside me there was someome screamimg bit it was so far away it wasnt really part of me.

We stopped and she said that is peadofillic you do know that. That shook me to the core. There it was out on the table something I had denied and not beleived for so many years. She then said what do you want to say to your Dad I said I dont know I was squirming at this point and I decided to say to him your disgusting. We started again and I just looked at her and said I cant do it. The thought of betraying my father like like just made me switch off.

How ironic is that? I cant even say your disgusting in my mind to my dead father after all the years of abuse he put me through. It still doesnt feel real. Its like its happened to someone else when its not its all happened to me.

She then went on to say place my hand on my heart that will comfort you as there are nerve endings connected to the brain from the heart. This helped quite a bit actually and my managed to process a few things.

But now I am left with the fact that my father was a peadofile.

Which opens up a whole other can of nasty evillness. My father was a peadofile so does that mean im tainted too? How can I still love and want to protect him now? I feel pysically sick thinking about all of this. Iv basically been abused mentally, physically and sexually right up untill he died which was only 2 years ago. How can I of accepted his behaviour as normal?

So not only the the other 2 disgusting fucks my own father is on the very long list of abusers who arnt even connected how fucked up is that?

A hundred thousand worms crawling in and one my skin right now. This blogging hasnt helped its made it worse.

New Reiki Client!

I have been wanted to post about this since the weekend really but I had to get all the other stuff out of my head yesterday.

I dont know if I have blogged about this before or not my memory isnt the best but I am  Reiki Level 2 healer and I have turned my spare room into a therapy room, I have my own website, facebook page and other marketing tools ( my day time job is General Manager for a website and seo company so I put the company perks to good use! )

Anyway, I hadn’t done anything on this for a while so I was shocked but happy to get a phone call out of the blue for someone wanting Reiki. I booked them in for Sunday and had a quiet healthy weekend, did some chakra cleansing meditations and prepared myself and my Reiki room for my client. I lit candles and smudged the room and said a prayer to bless it and invited all the angels in to help the energy flow through me to heal the client.

The client arrived and they were very impressed with my room, I had all my Angel cards laid out on the table with 2 matching Angel figurines and the Reiki music was playing away softly.

I asked them to lie on the table and relax and started the treatment. The energy was so strong! I started to get really hot and could feel the soothing energy flowing through me, colors of purple and gold and green floated in and around my mind, I always make the Reiki symbols and ask for my Reiki guides to assist me throughout the process. I have not felt the energy that strong before the client must of really been in need of this.

When I had finished my client woke up and told me that they felt like a weight had been lifted and that they were struggling for absorbing everyone else’s negative energy, I said I had picked up a lot of anxiety in the chest and throat area when I was doing the treatment and she agreed that was where she felt it the most. She tried to pay me £30.00, I wouldn’t take it as my cost is only £25.00 I just asked her to leave me a review on my page and this is what she said:

reiki review

I was so pleased! I love helping people especially with Reiki, I truly believe its the best healing you can have in the world and this has just made me want to get back on my path all the more, I finished my lovely Sunday off with a visit to the divine circle at my local Spiritualist Church, even writing this blog now is making my heart swell with joy! I would recommend Reiki to anyone!