The Reasons

Ok…… I am ready to provide people a basic background into the reasons why and how I have PTSD and how I started this journey from a very dark place into a much better one. I have up and down days and today has been a particularly down one and I thought I would do something to make me feel better.

I was abused by 3 different people starting from as early as I can remember. Before I continue none of them are connected in anyway. Sexually, Physically and Emotionally.

As this happened at such a young age and continued throughout my childhood right into adulthood my brain blocked it all out. I internalised everything and was convinced that it was me that was the monster. I was afraid to tell anyone in case they put ME in prison or in a mental home. I hated myself and came close to suicide on more than one occasion.

I took drugs from the age of 14, weed, cocaine, amphetamines, ecstasy had very low self esteem and self hatred. Thought it was normal to let boys/ men have sex with me and I was there to do that.

I was 28 when things started to shift. I was heavily into taking amphetamines at the time and things were starting to take its toll on me again ( I had been in this same situation before when I was 22 but I ran away to Tenerife for a year, running away worked for a while but the haunting still came back and when they did I lost everything, decent job, sense of self and nearly my life)  I had an accidental amphetamines overdose and ended up hallucinated and being took to hospital. My mum was called and everything slowly but surely started trickling out of me what had happened and what had been going on.

After this I stumbled across Reiki and started learning about chakras. I started having Reiki and this has totally transformed my life, I would recommend it to anyone. I became attuned in 2014 and provide this from the spare room of my home which is now a treatment room. I love all things spiritual and love learning and practicing it as much as I can.

That was 4 years ago now and iv brought myself back from the brink and I am dealing with the past and living through it. I’m not perfect but I am learning to love my flaws,  I am much better than the ” dark days” I have come a long way and I am looking forward to the journey ahead of me.