Ugh. I have been triggered massively this weekend. Just when I think im getting somewhere and the people and the past experiences are just a memory never to be forgotten but soundly asleep at the back of my mind someone makes them spring back to life like a very disturbing jack in a box.

If you have followed my blog you will know I have struggled with drug problem in my past, bender after bender walking round like a skeleton before I had the hospital incident which forced me to admit I had suffered a life time of abuse from multiple people. Since those dark days in 2012 I have it more or less under control, Im not perfect I slip up and take cocaine some times but its getting further and further in between and I use Reiki and meditation and my spirituality has helped me massively and always will do, I am a firm beleiver in this.

But this weekend I went out for a drink with a very good friend, and as is typical in my small town we bumped into another good friend who happens to have a new boyfriend. So I waved excitedly to the second friend come and sit with us introduce us to your new boyfriend…….worse mistake I could of made. New boyfriend is someone who knows my dad and knows the mess I was in before my breakdown, hes a “gangster” who is in charge of the   “Drug Ring” and in the thick of the people I have now cut out of my life including the evil step family.

He said to me I already know you, I squashed a debt of £350 for you because I liked your Dad ” He was a very Good Man” I said I am sorry but I have no idea what your talking about. The thing is I was in such a mess back them this could be true but it might not be I wouldn’t of known, hours turned into days into months into years back then due to the amount of cocaine and amphetamine I was taking. I didn’t know my own name sometimes.

The horror of this has hit me and even though its Monday I cant stop thinking about it its buzzing in my brain the memories, the reasons why I was so bad, the feeling of filth and that I am filth, that I am nothing but a filthy worthless person who doesn’t give two fuck about herself.

“Your Dad Was A Good Man…….” to you yes to me hes a whole mess of love and hate and shame the shame of your Dad not loving you properly is harrowing.

Part of me wants the whole world to know how I have suffered and to maybe know why I behaved like until I was 28 years old but my Dad is DEAD its his 2 year anniversary on the 23rd of this month so if I come clean now I dont think anyone would believe me anyway so whats the point. Instead I am cursed with this bastard CPTSD the struggle to keep the beast at bay, the reminders of the past, the hurt the deep longing to be loved like a proper daughter should of been and the embarrassment of people like my friends new boyfreind reminding me of the state I was in.

No matter how hard I work or how hard I try to improve me be a better person, be more understanding and accepting the past will always be there it can not be changed and that is a fact.

The hardest critic on me if truth be told is me – what do I care what that gangster did or what people think but I do care and its not fair that they dont know the truth behind the fucked up girl I was.

 

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2 thoughts on “How are you supposed to let go of “The Past” when its everywhere?

  1. Im am sorry that you are going through this, it has to be hard. I do understand somewhat as my abusers were my parents who are now dead as well. I remembered everything that happened to me as my mom was dying so I never told anyone. It’s a hard pill to swallow…I wish you comfort and I am sending support your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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