My plan this weekend was to be sensible and stay in apart from meeting one of my good friends who has been travelling for the best part of 12 months.

Friday was fine, stayed in no problem watching Netflix, my partner had gone to his mothers to watch the football.

Saturday I got ready and went to meet my friend, 1 bottle of wine and some food ( we didnt even order food in the end anyway) turned into a 24 hour session with enough cocaine and vodka to kill a small horse and a party at mine with a few other people. And if 24 hours on that wasnt enough we then decided to get some Ecstasy tablets.  Awful things I really dont know why I insist on taking them, I was sweating buckets and had to take my self to bed, my jaw was on the other side of the room and i was throwing up every 5 mins. Disgusting. I had to lie of the cold bathroom floor tiles just to get cool I was over heating really badly.

The last people left mine about 6pm Sunday night, we had been partying since 1pm Saturday, spent a ridiculous amount of money by this point and I look and feel like I have been dug up out of of a cemetery.

I have made it to work today, I should be having my EMDR therapy at 2pm but I really cant face it I am too spaced out to go and have a session of that work dont know this though so I will be sloping off back home to get my duvet and Netflix on.

I just don’t understand myself at all. I am 32, I have a decent job, a nice home, a good boyfriend who treats me well, I am a reiki level 2 practitioner yet I still continue to do this at a weekend, I have been getting smashed for about 3 months now, most weekends. Old habits are hard to break I have been doing this since I was 14 I just dont understand how I can still do this and my fuck it switch gets turned on and all I  care about is getting as much alcohol and drugs into my system as I can then I feel like shit for a week, start meditating again and giving myself reiki but the same vicious circle continues.

Is it bad habits that are too ingrained in my system to shift them? is it a family thing that runs through my blood? ( my dad was an alcoholic) Reiki has changed my life completely from 2012 and I can totally see this but how do I become strong enough to break these weekend habits? Now I know I have the vicious circle that is plain to see for everyone but how do I break it?

 

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2 thoughts on “How Do I break This Vicious Circle?

    • Thank you. I think your right I did this last time I had councilling at the rape and sexual abuse center. Just puzzles me how I get a grip of everything then I loose it and end up like that. I think Im going to have to seriously think about giving us alcohol

      Liked by 1 person

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