Since my EMDR session on Monday I have not been too bad really. I have been throwing myself back into meditation as much as I can and its been really nice all week so I have managed to go to our local park the other day and read my book for an hour, it was roasting and I love the sun. I felt really quite empowered as I dont have a garden and I always think people are looking at me if I am doing something like that on my own.
One thing I have been thinking a lot about is boundaries.
Looking back at my life I didn’t know what one was at all across every aspect on my life, friends, sexual partners, jobs, family I have pretty much let everyone walk all over me but what makes it worse is I didn’t even realise they was doing it. How strange is that really? until I started opening up about the abuse and learning right from wrong how I let people treat me that I had a life of being asleep or blind to people using and abusing me from all angles. I had no idea what the word “NO” was let alone how to use it.
Instead of being bitter and upset about that at this moment in time ( and believe me I have been, massively I was bitter and upset over things and rightly so but not really understanding why for years and years, especially over my Dad. I still am, maybe this will never go who knows) writing this blog I feel rather feisty as if to say ” Right you can all Fuck Off now, NO MORE!” and I am noticing this new found power slowly but surely creeping into my life and instead of feeling guilty for feeling this way I am beginning to understand its an absolute necessity to look after yourself by clearly stating what you will and not accept.
There was an incident on my facebook page the other day. I shared a horoscope post detailing each horoscopes signs traits, I just liked what it said as simple as that and I thought if I liked it then other people would like it too but someone commented on it telling me it was rubbish and I shouldn’t believe in these thing as its “The Devil” the person in question is a christian but its all fear based its quite scary actually to be honest some of the things he posts and I politely put please respect my beliefs like I respect yours and it still didn’t deter him from writing a a great big long paragraph how I am entertaining the devil and other nonsense but I chose to ignore him and not retaliate and he has now gone away. I do constantly take a lot of stick for my spiritual beliefs but I never let this get to me.
I struggle with boundaries with friends too, always have but recently I have found myself in the same vicious circle I have for years, I support this one particular person then I get dropped as soon she is sorted. Its been going on for 16 years. I suppose its because I have always wanted to be liked and loved. Even now I know I give too much and support too much and then I feel hurt when I dont get the same in return. I think the moral of my story here is love yourself and look after yourself as much as you can as if you are being true to yourselves the pain other people can inflict wont affect you half as much. I particularly like the saying – “You cant give from an empty vessel” – truest words I have ever heard.
I have been pondering over this for a few days now, so this weekend I am dedicating to me and doing what I like. Stuff everyone else for now.