Yesterdays session was HARD. The hardest one yet.
I have been drawing a bit of a blank at the sexual abuse/ assault stuff for some reason and My therapist asked me last week if ever I had been physically abused, I said by who she said by anyone so I told her about my dad hitting me and grabbing me by the throat this then led into all the abusive relationships I have had in my adult life.
She was looking at me in sheer disbelieve.
I said I know its a mess 😦
She then said – I just think your amazing, to which I just brushed off i certainly am not amazing at all. everything was just the norm at the time I expected it all to happen so none of it was a surprised.
She said why dont we work on the physical abuse this week, I said yes that would be fine, as I was telling her everything I could feel my heart palpating and the panic and pain rising up. She said we should of started at stage 4 of the EMDR really as she wasnt aware of all this other stuff which indicates I have CPTSD as apposed to PTSD
In each session the believe that comes up for me is I am unlovable, every time I say I am alone and noone wants me.
We started on the memory of my dad having my by the throat on the floor when I was about 13, he had his hand raised to me as if to punch me and he said ” The only reason I am not hitting you is because you have your fucking glasses on”
So I focused on this memory and the bi lateral stimulation begins and the tear start flowing and flowing and flowing, my throat closes up and I cant speak, the pain my my heart is so raw its like my heart is going to come out of my chest and then I start with these great big shudders of sobs that keep escaping out, I had to put my hand to my head to hide myself as i was doing it as the feelings coming up where embarrassment and shame.
Through out this whole session I know what needs to come out and I was not letting it out, I dont want it out. I felt like i was holding on to a chair at a really scary movie expect it wasnt a movie this is my life. My whole body was freezing through out this session to not let the dreaded realisation out that I have blocked out my whole life.
She kept saying thats good thats good, let the little girls feelings out, let the little girls feelings out as I was sobbing and hiding in the chair but I still couldn’t properly really. I know there is loads more in there and I know there is nothing to be scared of anymore but the little me inside just cant do this.
We stopped about 15 mins before the end and she said do I want to carry on to which I said no. I have never had to do that before either. I could of cried and cried and screamed and screamed all day. It didn’t stop when I got home either I curled up in a ball and cried to my partner saying I am broken and the pain is too much to bare.
I started asking him questions about his Dad as my partners Dad wanted nothing to do with him, its very sad and I know he harbors a lot of pain and maybe it was selfish of me to ask him how he feels about it. He didn’t really want to go into much detail about it. I suppose I want someone to tell me there ok about there Dads and what they have been through.
I still feel ashamed and embarrassed about all of this. I want to hang my head in shame that I wasnt lovable.