I had lot to tell my therapist this week due to the triggers at the wedding and on Sunday which I have blogged about previously, she said things will get worse before they get better which is something I already knew from my last set of counseling with RASAC and to be honest I know I have these dips and dives but I can see a massive improvement in my self since I had that set of counseling, the lows are not as low which I think is a big positive in the grand scheme of things.
We started on a memory that I had previously worked on but she was concerned because I had mentioned something about it. The memory is of me being about 5 years old being on top of the fucking bastards knee and him bouncing me up and down. The thought of that position in my sex life makes me what to be sick, even now I can feel my insides curling up thinking about it so it doesnt look like yesterdays session has worked after all 😦
So we started on this and to be honest I just feel so fuckng angry. As I am writing this post the anger is coursing through my veins. HOW FUCKING DARE ANYONE MAKE ME LIKE THIS??
The memory get going back and forth back and forth and kept getting stuck. I kept getting blanks and feeling like there were great big bricks in my heart. This went on for the full session, I shed a few tears but nothing like last week. The memories where all over the place and then they kept flicking to the sexual assault that happened when I was 12, again this was also blocked and I kept not being able to speak. My tongue just freezes up and I do not want to go there, my body is screaming NO YOU WILL NOT DO IT NO NO NO NO! and then I get a blank and its gone.
At the end I asked how do you think I am doing and my therapist said she thinks I am doing well, she said its only been a few sessions.
I would very much like to wave a magic wand and it all be gone but I suppose everyone feels like that. I do feel frustrated with it all this week.