My feelings for my partner are coming back! Oh my goodness it is such a relief. Over the years I have had failed after failed relationships, the majority abusive but some not and they have been really nice and I have pushed them away or self sabotaged them without even realising what I was doing – it was always there fault too really hardly ever mine or so I thought.
As I had internalised all of the abuse that has happened to me in my childhood, looking back now I can see how and why I bounced from one bad relationship to another, I was constantly chasing a “love” I never had and when in any of the relationships I was in I felt like I didn’t receive this love or I was hurt again I went out and slept with other people, sometimes it was out of spite of of the other person, other times it was to hurt me more as I thought that is all I was worth and I could not stand people being nice to me so I ruined it for everyone involved.
Looking back I was a hurt little girl chasing and looking for love in all the wrong places.
Now I can look back at my teens and my 20’s and instead of being upset with my adult self I feel sorry for the younger me and can even send her some love now.
Its such a difficult journey, having to face your truth after years of blocking everything out but I am truly grateful that I did, noone wants to be running round in the same sad desperate circles and not even knowing why you are running round in them in the first place.
These days things are different for me much different, I do dip down low from time to time but looking back my highs and lows were really bad and very destructive, where as now I am coping with them a lot better and when I do get depressed or I have a PTSD episode I am managing it much better.
I think I appreciate the good days so much more and all that I have n my life now. I would not wish my past on anyone or having PTSD as when it takes hold its a monster but the good days means so much more and I try to savour them as much as I can. When I next have a down day or an episode I am going to re read my happy blogs and use this as another tool to remember just how happy I can be, no matter what my past was like
Gratitude List For Today
1- I am grateful to have learned how to self love, this is vital in anyones life. Im not perfect but I am learning to love even the nasty parts of me slowly
2- I am grateful we have another glorious sunny day! – sunshine is the best medicine around in my eyes
3- I am grateful my feelings are coming back about my partner – hes not perfect either but maybe its our un- perfectness which makes us so perfect
4- I am grateful I have an amazing opportunity at work now, a change and a challenge is as good as rest!
5- I am grateful my best friends are round for pizza and wine tonight – there is noway in this world I would have got through my life without them
6- I am grateful this is my final big bill week – my destructive benders I had a few weeks back do not pay for themselves and leave me absolutely skint but its done now all paid off and all naughty peoples numbers deleted
7 – I am grateful for my beautiful fur baby sooty he is the most beautiful cat in the world
8 – I am grateful to be learning more about myself everyday
9 – I am grateful for meditation, this lifts my mood so much
10- I am grateful for my lovely home, its such a joy to me.