Iv just got back from my second EMDR session. Iv just wandered through town in a daze, had to buy some chocolate cookies from the pound bakery to bring me back to life.

My therapist asked me which memory to start from so I said in the words of Julie Andrews “let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start”  if it’s good enough for the sound of music it was good enough for me.

I had to tune in to the very first memory which involves my nans second husband and “doing things” my therapist used a pen like a hypnosis thing and I had to follow it with my eyes whilst thinking about the therapy. Sure enough the tears started to flow and when asked how I was feeling the words disgusting and filth  kept coming then she asked me again how I am feeling and I shouted “where’s my mummy?” Oh that hurt the utter sadness and feelings of shame and abandonment engulfed me. She stopped the pen as my eyes were full of tears so she then put my hands on a book and started tapping between my two thumbs.

This went on for an hour on the same memory as I kept having blocks, I kept bringing up blanks and my mind kept wandering but we got the memory abs the “I am disgusting” down from a 10 intensity to a 3. 

What got me was there was about 4 occasions of me going back to the memory then the questions and I literally couldn’t speak my mouth and tongue were locked I had to take 5 mins before I could speak as to how I was feeling. At one point she gave me a pen and paper to write what I was feeling as I said I feel like I want to scream and I can’t it’s like my body is screaming but I felt a bit silly writing stuff down.

We also focused on body sensations and when ever I am in danger or think I’m in danger my arms prickles like really really bad sunburn and iv constantly got bricks in my chest. This eased a little.

She said thar because my trauma is layered we will need to do this a lot but we made a good start.

I don’t feel sad or disturbed or anything, in fact iv come home and give my partner a big kiss and said I’m sorry for being distant and standoffish and I genuinely mean it.

Overall it wasn’t the nicest thing iv done but I’m willing to do anything to help me feel normal 

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