SEX.

My God I am struggling with this at the moment. I dont know if its because I have just started the EMDR and my senses on high alert or what.

Growing up I subconsciously thought that men wanted sex and I was to give it to them whether I wanted it or not. I was 28 when I had an eppifanny ” I am not expected to have sex with anyone”  it amazed me. I was amazed by the thought of it. Amazed I had never knew this before.

I feel like my partner is pressuring me for sex when he isn’t. Every reference made to sex is making me feel he expects me to have it even though this is totally absurd. He put his hand on my leg the other night, I nearly ripped his arm out the socket as I thought he was going for somewhere else. I feel so guilty on him. He shouldn’t have to put up with this.

He has tried a bit of sexting today, I have had to tell him to stop as its making me shrivel up and die inside. I feel frightened like I have to do something I dont want to and its making me want to run away.  Its like bombs in my head going off and my arms prickle with pain to warn me of danger, there still doing it now.

I now feel like he has the hump with me which he probably doesnt, I feel like I am hurting him being like I am, I want nothing more than to have a good session with him but not today or most of last week or tonight either.

I am determined to find ways round this. My past is not my future or my present. Those bastards stole my childlhood I wont let them ruin this too. Fuck you child abusers and Fuck You PTSD.

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