Well today is proving to be a very strange day. I woke up this morning crying had to drag myself out of bed. This is all all over people wanting me to go out on Saturday to a carnival. It my boyfriend who wants me to go and his mum – they are lovely people and everything I just don’t know if I can deal with it especially knowing everyone will be drinking and I was planning a weekend in. Also I cant stop thinking about this time line I have to do for Monday at my EMDR session. I got up and I have come to work, I have messaged my boyfriend and said NOPE cant do it. Have been shakey and teary and my heart was palpitating.

So…… this timeline of events. Sounds like the name of a dodgy film.

I have sat down this morning and started typing and typing. I managed to get to age 11 and had to stop I have been filling up at my desk and wanting to go and have a cry in the toilets.

I had a break, had a chat to my friend and a smoke….. next minutue WOOOOOOSH. I feel as high as a a kite, my head is swimming, im laughing and joking and being far too loud for an office, heart starts beating fast again and i feel so alert like all my senses have picked up a 100 miles per hour – what are these highs and lows? if anyone is reading this and has had similar please leave me a comment about it.  I am not on any medication and I dont want any if I can help it but this all time low then all time high as got me pretty freaked out.

I have been doing sneaky breathing techniques to try ad bring myself down and it did work. had to leave the time line alone for a bit but I have managed to finish it. I haven’t re read it back yet I think thats a bit much to ask for one day. Its only 3pm and I have been to the depths of despair to climbing the walls all ready.

I still feel pretty hyper at the moment and my head feels like its swimming and my heart is fluttering away, concentration is nowhere to be seen.

I have told my boyfreind to ask me nearer the time about the carnival. Hopefully I will wake up and feel good, just going to try and take each day as it comes. I haven’t even started the EMDR treatment yet god knows what that is going to do.


6 thoughts on “High Fives and Down Lows

  1. Boy, I wish I had some advice. I’ve had feelings that go one way then another, along with feelings of unease that I’ve wanted to escape.
    Yours seem to have everything to do with your work on the time-line. Our bodies have a way of protecting us from memories that are too much to handle all at once. With me, at 63, the first most violent memory still hasn’t surfaced.
    You are wise to opt out of a carnival with too much stimulation as you are already working on things that evoke so much. My only advice would be to go slowly, and keep respecting your needs for quiet like you are already doing. And that slow deep breathing is quite an elixir too, as when we are stressed, panicked etc. the tendency is to breathe shallow and fast; not helpful or calming at all.
    Such extremely difficult work you are doing…


    • Thank you for your kind words Patricia, my head is still swimming I really feel out of sorts. I’m going to watch the soaps then meditate I think. That usually helps me loads. I’m pretty sick of dealing with this at the minute


  2. I find that blogging about my PTSD is a bit like purging. I always feel better and lighter after I write even if it’s some heavy stuff. I wonder if that’s what’s happening with you?


    • Hi, yes I think it’s helping me quite a bit, I am a member of a forum called havoca have been for about a year now and that’s helped massively. It’s a good way of getting stuff off our chests I think without having to involve the people in our daily life’s. I don’t really have a friend I can talk to face to face about things. thank you so much for your interest in my blog post


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