I have just read somewhere that we shouldn’t judge our emotions. Let emotions come and go it says.  Have a read below:

Living with PTSD

I agree with the majority of the points on there but its god damn hard. Monitoring my emotions and trusting my inner judgement on my emotions is one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to learn.  Take today for instance. I have been carrying so much anger since Sunday and its not shifting yet at all.  I want to scream and shout at my partner but its not his fault really why I am angry.

I am angry at myself. I am angry at the people who put me in danger who should of known better. I am angry that I having to learn this self acceptance the hard way. I am angry I am having to love and teach myself how to love myself. I am angry that I have to undo all these wrong believes that have been sown into me. So to merely start ” accept” your emotions I think its a bit rich really.

Anger is a new one to me on this healing journey. I haven’t really felt anger before in relation to the abuse I have suffered. Or maybe I have but not been able to recognise it where as now I am recognising it I am worried as to how I am to express this emotion. I dont want anyone to feel the wrath but its bubbling under the surface and people are getting on my last nerve. I  have been feeling like a raw ticking time bomb and I have been defensive over EVERYTHING.

I started this blog post this morning and my anger was still fizzing away but I have actually felt a lift this afternoon. I don’t know if its because we have changed the shit radio station at work to XFM or the fact they played a Viola Beach song ( R.I.P Boys <3)  and this has made me realise that life IS precious.

Looks like the post that had got my back up this morning does have some truth in it. Nothing stays the same even if it feels like it will at the time.  Just go to ride the waves I suppose.

P.S :

The photo on this blog is one I took on Bamburgh Beach in Northumberland a few weeks back. The waves were magnificent and the sea was so moody it was really something to watch and feel. I felt amazing on that beach, like the sea was washing out my soul.

 

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9 thoughts on “Riding The Waves

  1. I didn’t feel anger for a long time either. When it finally surfaced I had no idea what to do with it. I talked to my therapist (who ironically had mentioned radical acceptance of emotions to me the week before) and she said that feeling anger was proof my brain was healing! I wrote about it at the time- perhaps I’ll share it on my blog. I digress… anyways, I think you’re amazingly brave to be sharing your story and I can relate to many things you have written. And it sounds like your brain is healing too! Keep up the good healing work. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Jessica no thats fab thank you, all the help we have should be shared and shared again – its tough dealing with this its good to know people like you are out there doing the best they can for themselves and others xx

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  3. PTSD anger is so hard because it doesn’t grow over time: it just bursts to the surface of your mind and takes over your entire body. I remember when my anger entered. It was after the shock and denial of what had happened, and when denial started to break down and I was remembering things and my emotions were connecting with the event, anger was all I knew how to express. I took a lot of it out on myself, and I sincerely hope you don’t suffer through that as well. I know that all that rage within you will make it hard to see through the flames, but the fire will go out. And you’ll find peace. Below is my favorite quote about going through tough times, and I always thought it was apt when applied to PTSD.

    “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi sarah thank you so much for sharing with me, I am sorry you went through that but I am glad you got through it. Yes thats such a lovely quote and very apt to PTSD. I know I am healing every day even if I stay stuck for days even weeks at a time eventually it passes

      Liked by 1 person

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