The next time I posted on here I wanted to be happy or posting something constructive but what you want you dont always get do you.

After me writing yesterday that I am ( was) still on the waiting list for the EMDR psychotherapy they sent me a text message to say it is now time to start this. I was shocked. Phoned them straight away and I start on Monday at 2.30pm.

Well Iv not been right since. Throughout the whole of this situation I still have a sort of amazement but obviously not a nice amazement that I have been through what I have been through. Even though I look at it and think did that really happen. Its as though im detached from it all. Its very hard to explain.

For years and years I thought I was a monster and I was sick and I needed locking up. I was so scared and frightened and looking back now delusional. It took for 2 near suicide attempts and a shit load of drugs and 28 years before I told anyone what I had been through and how I thought I was a monster when truth be told I was molested by numerous monsters.

I am a functioning adult. I have a decent job, my own apartment and my very own cat. I have always managed to do this since I was 18 years of age so whilst I feel this shitty on the inside I have come to work and am functioning, not very well I admit but still functioning.

Even now I said to myself this morning ” You are mad, you do not need this, why are your doing this, its not real it didnt happen” and then I panic and I question myself “am I mad? did this REALLY happen?” and I stop and I look back and I see yes it did really happen. Sometimes Im numb and cant feel anything at all. I hadnt felt anything for years and everything has become so twisted in anyway I didnt know what was right and what wasnt for ages. But not today. I feel inside like im screaming and crying, I was crying this morning anyway iv not stopped off an on all day. and im crying inside basically screaming ” I WANT MY MUMMY”

I suppose in a crazy sort of way iv looked at all of this like a game. But the game is REAL. its always been real. my childrens brain must of been tought “the game”  from a very early age if im still playing it now.

These EMDR sessions are going to prove its all real  arnt they. Fucks Sake. What have I done?

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “A Hard Day

  1. Sorry you had a hard day. Yes it is really real. Reality hurts so much that our brains have a clever way of protecting us. They shut down and play “make believe”. I’ve heard good reports about EMDR so I hope you share how you get on. (No pressure there then!) It’s a long road but with the Support of Friends and Survivors you will get there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Serena, thank you so much for your comment, your description of the “make believe brain” is perfect. its like i dont know whos real and whats real sometimes. I am going to listen to your new blog later

      Like

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