The next time I posted on here I wanted to be happy or posting something constructive but what you want you dont always get do you.
After me writing yesterday that I am ( was) still on the waiting list for the EMDR psychotherapy they sent me a text message to say it is now time to start this. I was shocked. Phoned them straight away and I start on Monday at 2.30pm.
Well Iv not been right since. Throughout the whole of this situation I still have a sort of amazement but obviously not a nice amazement that I have been through what I have been through. Even though I look at it and think did that really happen. Its as though im detached from it all. Its very hard to explain.
For years and years I thought I was a monster and I was sick and I needed locking up. I was so scared and frightened and looking back now delusional. It took for 2 near suicide attempts and a shit load of drugs and 28 years before I told anyone what I had been through and how I thought I was a monster when truth be told I was molested by numerous monsters.
I am a functioning adult. I have a decent job, my own apartment and my very own cat. I have always managed to do this since I was 18 years of age so whilst I feel this shitty on the inside I have come to work and am functioning, not very well I admit but still functioning.
Even now I said to myself this morning ” You are mad, you do not need this, why are your doing this, its not real it didnt happen” and then I panic and I question myself “am I mad? did this REALLY happen?” and I stop and I look back and I see yes it did really happen. Sometimes Im numb and cant feel anything at all. I hadnt felt anything for years and everything has become so twisted in anyway I didnt know what was right and what wasnt for ages. But not today. I feel inside like im screaming and crying, I was crying this morning anyway iv not stopped off an on all day. and im crying inside basically screaming ” I WANT MY MUMMY”
I suppose in a crazy sort of way iv looked at all of this like a game. But the game is REAL. its always been real. my childrens brain must of been tought “the game” from a very early age if im still playing it now.
These EMDR sessions are going to prove its all real arnt they. Fucks Sake. What have I done?