Well this is my first blog post….. I thought I would be easier than this. I have been having a bit of rough time dealing with this thing called PTSD ( or as I like to call it THE BEAST) over the past few days but I am coming out of it now. Joking aside, I wouldnt wish living with this on my worse enemy. Its constant. Even on Good Days it still lurks in the background like a bad fucking smell.
So at the moment I am coming out of it, meaning dragging myself mentally round from a wave of self destruction and self pity and niggling thoughts and questions about myself and how filthy and disgusting and shameful I must be BUT iv dragged myself round again. Another mini victory from the beast I suppose.
I have been getting better at dealing with things recently – its hard as I have to monitor my thoughts and reactions and have to decide whats a reasonable reaction to whats a reaction to a memory of the past. I went on holiday a few weeks back and left my partner at home, only for 3 days and without boring anyone who may be reading this with the details I lost it because I convinced myself he was lieing to me and I mean lost it that was it it was over he was moving out how fucking dare he LIE to me. He wasnt lying…. something he did triggered the beast and I lost it. Within the moment I was heartbroke and to me it really was it “The End” but luckily for me I have a very understanding boyfriend he just let me rage it out. When iv come round the guilt and sorrow I feel for behaving this way towards him kills me I hate myself and then I spend two days crying and apologising for my behavior. He also deals with all of this.
See the beast doesn’t affect just me it ripples and spreads like an evil virus throughout and affects my nearest and dearests which I cant stand at all.
Watching my thoughts and reactions and feelings is so tiring!! Some times I am chuffed to bits that somethings come, Iv dealt with it and let it go and its a celebration. Other times they come out of the blue like the one I have just spoke about and they catch me off guard.
I hate this rollercoster I am on. I want to be “Normal” but I dont know what normal is. Well I do a bit now but its not always been this way. I have been re learning myself for 4 years now and learning who I am and what I want but this “BEAST” is an absolute fucker.
Keeping as healthy as possible helps me, drinking water, green tea, having an elecy fag, meditating, The drug infused benders that are triggered from feeling hurt are slowly but surely subsiding I will be glad when they stop all together and I do have faith in this.
This blog I have decided to create was because of inspiration of another lady who I met through an online forum for survivors of child abuse, If anyone is reading it I hope some of what I say resonates with you and helps you through this complete mind field of shite we have found ourselves in.