Stale Mate

Sorry its been a while again since I last blogged, the downwards spiral  has been continuing.

There is someone screaming inside me, stuck in my chest and shes angry, scared and confused and she is a stubborn little thing I can see her with her back to me in my minds eye with her arms folded.

And she will not talk.

But her feelings are palpable and its making me behave in ways I wish I didn’t. I have stopped all “good things” in my life recently, reiki, meditating, blogging which I have replaced with anxiety, paranoia, low self worth SHAME and FILTH and DISGUSTINGNESS

I dont know if I have said this before but its like I have a black marker pen and I am scribbling really really hard at scrubbing my life out and I have no control. I keep trying to take control back but none of it work the same filthy circle keeps coming around and around and around.

What is it that I can not face? What is it that for some reason I cant let go?

When I was at RASAC  they taught me to write letters to my “Inner Children” as the abuse spans all through my childhood and by different monsters they are stuck at certain ages and its been proven by lots of physiologists that these broken inner children take centre stage until its resolved but I keep pushing this one down. I know which one it is but I dont know why she still needs help! Im scared for my life to listen to it but her feelings are in my chest and down my arms and there pushing and pushing and pushing and I feel SHAME.

she wont talk and I dont want to listen 😦 so we are at a stale mate.

Im sorry to anyone reading this but I dont want to share anymore.

Back to my nightclass

Tonight I dragged myself back to my psychic and mediumship development class. I havnt been for months and I really didn’t want to go tonight after all whats been going on but I need to claw my way out of this black hole somehow.

I went in and everyone was pleased to see me which is nice and we all had a chat and everyone was asking how I am and twice I came over full of emotion and how I didnt cry I dont know but I didn’t.

I had 2 messages. The main one was from my dad basically saying I need to snap out of this and hes sorry he wasnt here to support me but he is now. A few other things were said and usually I love messages and giving messages but tonight I feel flat and very sad as if Im being told yes its real you feeling like this and no your not being dramatic as the usual rush of love and happiness that comes when Im doing things like this was absent.

I then got up to give a message and was accurate which I was surprised at as its been a while and my mood is so low.

Im thankfull that its a start on the right path. Baby steps are better than non.

Rock Bottom

Well iv been on a massive downwards spiral recently and this past week went from bad to worse to a standstill. Last Tuesday I had an operation on my overys and womb that I have been waiting for for years and years. It was to remove endometriosis and a cyst and apparently my bowel was attached to my womb so they sorted that too. 

Now I beleive the abuse I have endured over the years has stopped my reproductive organs from developing and working correctly. There are lots of things out their that prove this could of happened as the body stores pain and it manifests into illnesses and I dont have any children and have been in pain all my life so you would think this would please me and I would take good care of myself after such an operation…….

WRONG.

I proceeded to go on a massive whizz and cocaine bender from wednesday through to saturday mornin to the point where I had a psychotic episode not fair off goin to accident and emergency. I was trapped in my head but too terrified to tell anyone for fear they would hurt me more as they think I was a monster. 2 hours of cryin and sobbin and not speaking later I snapped out of it and actually stopped taking drugs. Its as if I am punishing myself and dont want to get better or dont deserve too.

I have been feeling strange for weeks. Iv spent the best part of £1000 on drugs over the past few weeks fuck I dont even have that type of money  £500 is an overdraft I didn’t even have its as if there is an internal force I cant control determind to run myself into the ground or worse an early grave.

I cant seem to stop feeling small and scared like im in loads of trouble and its constant yet I want to make things as worse as I can. Its as if if scribbling with a big black marker to scrub out my life and I cant stop.

Shame disgust filth. No matter what I do this disgusting monster I am is out to get me and its intent on destroyin the whole fucking lot.

To be fair I am feeling slightly better today im back at work tomorrow after yet another week off but the monster is only sleeping and Im still small and scared and have noone to tell or talk too as who is goin to beleive small little me?

My inner broken children are running terrified at the moment but there so god dam real and out of control. I always say inner children as their are lots of different ages different stuff has happened and there all so different yet all so broken.

I need to peice myself back together and quick.

Its a long, winding and bumpy road

I really cant concentrate today im far too hyper for work and Iv only just got back after 9 days off sick.

Iv had a bit of a breakdown truth be told I split with my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago, this was all my doing I had been shutting down on him for ages so one of my many me’s came out to play “Tallulah” my friends and I have named my personas my best friend also has CPTSD and a bit of dark humor gets us through the day sometimes.

Tallulah wrecked havoc as she usually does drinking and bendering but when Tallulah goes up she must come down and this time she came down HARD suicidal hard. It got to wednesday and id already had 3 days off work and was still full of shame and self loathing I was panicking to the point of panic attacks. I called my mum ( something I never do with this type of stuff) told her I was loosing it again, then I phoned the NHS psycotherapy place where I had the EMDR they were really good with me and have now put me up to step 4 EMDR and im back on the waiting list and the docs have prescribed anti depressants which for the first time ever I am actually taking and havnt just put them in the bin

I should be happy iv cought Tallulah early, I am now recognising the signs im out of control and I have took appropriate measures to get me stable again but I still feel shamefull and disgusting and awkward. Awkward like im 13 again, yesterday was my first day back to work and I felt like my chest was going to burst and the horrible whirling sensation was there, I litterally felt like I was a young teenager desperate to fit it but I was scruffy and my clothes were scruffy and everyone was looking at me with utter disgust. Im 33 I shouldn’t still feel like this.

I still feel like I could vomit when I think about sex too the physical sensation and images are too much to bear sometimes and I have put weight on im over eating and I think somewhere inside me im doing it so noonw fancies me and Ill be left alone im pushin a size 14 at the min when im usually a 10 or a 12. My poor suffering boyfriend has been round to see my everyday since my little episode and its hurting it seein him so sad he was crying as I keep shuttin down and shutting him out and all he really does is love me unconditionally and I cant stand it some times its too much makes my skin crawl like I need to run away.

So 5 years in to this healing lark and still seems a long way to go ups and downs and roundabouts all the bloody time. Its a long and windy bumpy road it does my head in

How many different Me’s can there be

First day back to work went ok, I was very cagey and felt like my chest was going to burst open spilling all my disgusting filth everywhere, filled up with tears a few times but nobody knew. I have learnt to be a master of disguise over the years when I have to be. I can answer the phone at work and be so happy and cheerful you would never guess iv beat myself up to near death for the past four days. Someone said to me once “I love ringing your office your always so happy and cheerfull” to which I replied ” Well a voice can tell a 1000 lies” they thought I was joking but I genuinely wasnt I was having a terrible time of it.

Sometimes I feel like Im 10 different personalities all in one body theres wreckhead me, sugery sweet me, spiritual me, hard faced me and the one I hate the most is filthy disgusting me and how I try to control this one and push it down and then all of a sudden im triggered and bang there she is dripping words of poison over and over again but shes subsiding again at the moment.

I know im in a viscious circle and have been for longer than I can imagine however spiritual work, healing and therapy have all taught me that whenever the beast rears its ugly head it means something is trying to get out something is trying  to heal so iv been analysed all day and I cant decided if its because I have a cellular beleive I need to be punished and dont deserve so I punish myself as soon as the going gets good, if its because Im weak and took my fella back when I didnt really want him so Iv stopped listening to my heart and thats why the sudden dip or whether its because I obviously still dont love and accept myself and what to hurt me or maybe a mixture of everything.

Deep mind boggling thoughts.

I will be meditating tonight on releasing negativity and asking for arch angel Michael’s help. Im also going to write a thank you list that usually makes me feek better.

Even as im writing this there is a little demon in me niggling making me feel filthy. Wish I had some more EMDR therapy  sessions left something is desperate to come out but its stuck fast at the moment

A Dark Place

Im in bed writing this post after iv had to take 3 days off work sick due to being triggered which in then turn I spiralled out of control this weekend just gone. The fuck it button well and truley got pressed.

What started out as a little outing for lunch on Saturday at 2pm turned into a 30 hour bender. 8.30pm i strolled into my house and said to my boyfriend ” do you want to argue now or tomorrow” needless to say this went down a treat, he was so upset with me and hurt like a lost little boy and who can blame him really. What worthless scum I am. Old habits die hard. 

Id managed not to drink for 6 weeks I was so pleased and felt great – the boy friend didnt participate in this I might add and before this weekend he had done the same let me down and my family on a day we had had planned since new year so I finished it about 3 weeks ago now but he was relentless in me taking him back so i relented but didn’t really want it. People pleasing is an unfortunate speciality of mine.

So this weekend just gone I was feeling a little resentful of him and myself so i went back to the old ways of self sabotage and self abuse. Im not proud and even though its wednesday im still nowhere feeling normal.

I feel like a fraud. Im supposed to be healing people with reiki and growing mt business yet now it feels iv stepped 100 steps back. 

When I came in on sunday he wanted sex so I let hin have it even enough I didnt want it I was too high to want anything and to be honest iv been off sex for months now as iv said in my other posts. As soon as he had finished he started having a go at me again “nothing but a spunk bucket” as my father used to say.

I know I have the power to change this and drag myself of off this spiral as I have done so many times before but im tired. The fight is hard and long and good days or periods are great but breaking periods are getting worse and worse.

God I pray to you to give me strengh yet another time this up hill battle is too much at the moment 

Reiki – My One True Love

Wow.

I have been having an amazing time with Reiki recently, I took my Masters and Teachers 3rd degree in November and I am absolutely amazed and how my life is enriched already and I will be forever greatfull to God for giving me the honour of providing this wondering healing, honestly I am gob smacked at how much has changed in just under 3 months:

1- I have completely beaten my nicotine addiction no cigs or ecigs are needed anymore!

2- I have not drank alcohol since new years eve and I am enjoying myself that much not drinking iv decided to comtinue being alcohol free for all of feb too

3- my reiki clientell has gone through the roof and I even have my first 2 attunement students this weekend coming! EEEEK!! I am excited yet nervous at the same time I will be calling on all reiki guides and angels possible to help me relax and just be guided through this most honourable thing I am doing!

Reiki really is my true love, I love the peace ot brings to my clients and me it just spreads love and harmony everywhere it should be shouted about from all the rooftops in the world!

The photo is my healing room, feeling brave putting a photo on here that someone could recognise me from.